I bet you think this song is about you...

Judith at Vicarious Rising tagged me. I don't know why it makes me feel so special to be tagged, but it does!! I'm sure I have done this one before, but I will do it again anyway, just cause Judith loves me enough to have asked....

Here are the rules:

1. Link the person who tagged you.

2. Mention the rules on your blog.

3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.

4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.

5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

Six Unspectacular Things About Me

1. I am a bed snob. I have yet to sleep in a bed that I feel is on par with my own. I have the most fabulous over sized king bed that my friends tease me is comparable to that slept in by the Princess in the old fable, the Princess and the Pea. I spend a ridiculous amount of money on high thread count sheets, soft blankets, and pillows. I always sleep with at least one bottle of water and my cell phone next to me, or usually hidden under a pillow. I still don't sleep very well and rarely sleep through the night.
2. It took me well over 30 minutes to figure out how to create the link above to Judith's blog. I am feeling ridiculously proud of myself for doing so, and this feeling of pride will likely last all day and set the tone for a much better afternoon. Some times, it really is all about the little things.
3. I love fresh cut flowers, but hate roses. I almost always have a vase of cut white flowers on the nightstand next to my (fabulous) bed in my room and a bouquet in the living room. They don't have to be expensive and they rarely are. I usually buy them from the grocery store and I love the way they look poking out from my shopping bag. Flowers just make me smile on the inside.
4. I dress well, but do not and have not ever really had a style or a look of my own. I always aspire too, but my look is basically pretty simple, in the summer I usually wear almost all white, and the winter, its pretty much all black.
5. I am also incredibly anal retentive when it comes to my clothes and my closets. My closes are color coordinated. It starts on one end with white blouses and goes through a spectrum of colors until it reaches the black blouses. It makes my life a lot easier and I love to look at all of my clothes all in order. I also keep my shoes in their original shoe boxes and have a collection that could be considered the poor girls Imelda collection.
6. My children are not gifted. They are just ordinary, no special talents, not particularly good students, not athletically inclined. But to me they are the most amazing creatures on this Earth. Sometimes when I can feel how much they love me too, I think I may just burst with joy.

So that's some more unspectacular little things you didn't need to know about me, so lets hear some unspectacular stuff from: Misery Marketing, my bestest BFF Tab, Wife of Dingus, Skillz, Beth and Cat. Have fun y'all.

Shut up, shut up, Don't wanna hear it...

On my drive into the office this morning I had a long phone conversation with a good friend. Actually, she is married to one of my cousins. Her husband is the brother of my cousin who introduced me to the monster last year. In order to simplify this, I will call her, Buzz.

Buzz and I are the youngest of 21 first cousins in our family. I am just a little more than a year older than her. We were always rather close growing up. She has 5 older brothers and no sisters. As I also have only a brother, so we were sort of like sisters growing up as our families were very close.

As we grew up, we began to develop our own form of sibling rivalry. Her parents did not have alot of money for extras, as they were raising 6 children, whereas my parents, both worked, and there was only my brother and I, she therefore felt like I had it easier and better. We were both married and had children at around the same time. My two children were born six years apart, and I was able to buy a house before the birth of my second child. She had her three children within 4 years of each other and lived with her parents until they could afford to rent a small house.

She was a very poor money manager and did not want to work. They were always behind in their rent, phones and electric turned off, etc. It bothered her that I did not endure the same problems. She drank alot, ate alot. Never lost her baby weight. Jealousy started brewing and kind of tainted our relationship over the years. We would go through fazes of spending time together, speaking regularly, and then she would feel some unwarranted anger towards me. Then she would go out of her way to bash me and spread gossip and lies about me throughout the family.

Fortunately for me, most people in our family know what she is like and that she has a big problem telling the truth, and so it never really bothered me much. My regret here, is that I usually ended up forgiving her and moving past the drama and reconnecting. This is how I ended up meeting the monster.

She was friends with him and encouraged the two of us getting together. That is, until he and I were together. Suddenly she wasn't so happy about it. She basically trash talked him to me and trash talked me to him. Ultimately, we once again stopped speaking.

After the Monster beat me, she sent me a brief email inquiring if I was OK and I replied, that No, I most certainly was not. No response form her. Whatever. Fast forward to now. The friend I spoke to this morning has informed me that Buzz, is telling anyone that will listen various versions of the story of why I was beaten. One version states that I was jumping on his back, scratching his eyes out and putting cigarettes out on his body and he had to "knock" all 100lbs of me off of him to protect himself. Another version states that we were fighting over drugs (!) and that is how it started. Another version states it was all exaggerated and I knew the cops, was probably sleeping with the cops, and that is how I got him arrested, because I was madly in love with him and he was trying to break up with me.

I am furious. I am indignant. I mean who the F is this person to talk trash about me when she has no idea at all about what happened? A part of me wants to call or email her and defend myself. Tell the truth, set the record straight. I realize, clearly, that this cousin is one sick puppy and I need to never reconnect with her again. She has issues. Issues that I don't feel comfortable sharing here. Kind of like, don't want to sling any mud when she cant defend herself, you know?

I am just feeling very hurt and can not believe that this person has nothing better to talk about than what happened to me, at the hands of her friend. We all know the old saying, there are three sides to every story, his, mine and the truth. It irritates me that she feels compelled to spread this nonsense about me without at least attempting to hear my side of the story.

Buzz is getting married again in a few weeks. The monster is in her wedding party. This is creating quite a stir within the family. People who I have never told about the beating. She is the person who made sure everyone in the family knew what happened. So, I am now, once again, the subject of gossip and lies, not to mention it is being said that I got what I deserved.

I cant help but feel angry and want to defend myself. And then this morning, when I arrived at work, the following "recipe" was in my email in box:

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Talk to God about what is going on in your life. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to __________ today. I am thankful for______________'

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants. 5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli , almonds & walnuts.

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

12. You are not so important that you have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

17. Forgive everyone for everything.

18. What other people think of you is none of your business.

19. GOD heals everything - but you have to ask Him.

20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

21. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch!!!

22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________ Today I accomplished _________.

24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

25. When you are feeling down, start listing your many blessings. You'll be smiling before you know it.

I feel better already!

What I want, is to find my place...

So the cutie pies above, they are MY babies. Princess is on the left, I share "custody" of her with the Prince. On the right is Sake, he is the love of my life. The puppies below, well, I just thought they were cute and smiley. Sorry for the confusion.

I have been caught all up in my own head alot lately. This is definitely not a good thing. I rarely feel light and happy any more and always feel as though there is something scratching beneath the surface of my brain.

I have been feeling very sad and longing for different times. Days when I was younger and happier and when my life still held surprises and hope. I know I sound rather dark and morbid, quite honestly, that is how I am feeling.

It saddens me when I look at my life, the life of children, and my family. My mother is a widow at 63. She is an alcoholic. She wants to retire. It seems as though she is unsure and incapable of rebuilding a life for herself without my Dad. She has no desire to stop drinking. Her life consists of getting up, going to work, coming home and waiting for it be early enough to open the wine.

My brother is going to be 43 years old in November. He is a diabetic who has lost 3 toes and much of his foot due to his disease. He still has a gaping hole on the bottom of his foot from the last amputations and it is still not healing. They have tried everything, and still it will not close. It is likely that he will lose the foot and his lower leg as a result. He is collecting SSI as he is unable (unwilling?) to work. He has less than five thousand dollars in the bank to get him through, well, basically the rest of his life unless he wins lotto or my Mom dies and he gets an inheritance. He is divorced from his first wife, whose young son believes my brother is his father. This is a good thing because his mom is an alcoholic/addict. My brother may be a mess, but at least he is a constant in this boys life. This boy, my nephew, has begun his own journey down the path we all know so well: failing/cutting school, smoking pot, a few beers now and then, breaking into my bros house when they were away on vacation, etc. He is 14 years old. My brother is just too sick and too tired (lazy?) to know what to do to help him. Been there, done that.

My younger son, La Petite, seems to be going through a slight depression. I have a sinking suspicion, that the summer girlfriend (little miss likes to take half naked pics of herself) has moved on and left him in the dust. Why this pleases me, it devastates to see him in pain, and we all know how those of us that carry the "gene" deal with pain... why we self medicate of course, and I am just scared to death that this is the path he will choose. The easy road.

I know I am powerless over the decisions and choices the people around me make. I can only control my own choices, and to be brutally honest, my own choices haven't been all that great lately. I have been drinking too much, and it frightens me a little. I too am finding it easier to just have a few glasses of wine and not think about the problems in my life. I have become the friend who always wants to have just one more glass of wine, before going to coffee. I have started to want a glass of wine or two before going out with the new guy to calm my nerves or so I feel more comfortable. All red flags, I know. And so not the example I want to set for La Petite.

I actually attended an open AA meeting a few weeks back. I was pretty quiet, sat alone in the back and did get up to introduce myself and accepted a desire coin. The few of my friends that I told thought I was crazy when I told them. I am not so sure. Do I believe I am an alcoholic? Again, I am not so sure. I know I have the potential, and I know I can drink too much. I also know this summer, there were more days in a row of drinking wine than there were sober. So I am currently abstaining. I will keep you posted on this latest twist.

Even though I have much more to share today, I will leave it at that, and try to get back into the habit of writing each day, because it is so cathartic for me and it is nice to know that are alot of you out there that follow, read and care. Much love to all of you. It means so much.

So Please, Love Me Do...

Ok, so, can someone please sign up to be a follower on my blog?

You can't always get what you want..

It's over. He plead guilty. I will not have to go to trial and I will not have to face him. When the monster arrived at court he thought he was still going to push this and try to get over. That is until the arresting officers arrived in court behind him. His lawyer advised immediately that he plead guilty. That going to trial was not something he wanted to do, he had no shot, no chance of beating these charges.

He will be sentenced on November 6th. My order of protection will remain in place for 5 years. The DA asked the judge for jail time. It is very unlikely the judge will do that. He said she is leaning more towards a very long term probation, as he is a "menace" and she wants to be able to monitor him. He will also be required to attend some kind of anger management and substance abuse classes. I will receive restitution for the damages done to my home. I am going to write the judge a letter asking her to reconsider and at least give him a little jail time, and to consider awarding restitution for my out of pocket medical expenses and the locksmith costs for changing my locks. He said it is possible. He said it is also something the probation department will consider as part of the terms of his probation.

I am pleased with the outcome. I would have been more pleased if he had been sentenced to, I don't know, maybe a public lynching? But he had to stand in front of the judge and say he was guilty of all the charges, and that is what I wanted. OK, I still want the public lynching too, but still.

I thought I would feel more vindicated. I don't. Yes, I am glad it is over. I have closure. But I am sad. Sad still, that this was done to me. Sad that these things happen every single day with much, much worse outcomes. I am lucky to have gotten out of this alive. I know this. I am just not a violent person and I still have a hard time comprehending this whole thing. It is all still a blurr to me. Little bits and pieces of memories that I can not fully focus on because it makes me absolutely cringe to remember it. That I would allow myself to be treated that way. So many months of such abuse.

But, it is finally over. Another chapter closed. Getting stronger every day.

When she couldn't hold, oh, she folded...

Just want to say Thanks to all of you for your advice and support regarding La Petit on my last post. It means alot.

Not sure where this post will go today. I'm in kind of a cranky, mad at the world, feeling really anxious kind of mood. Can't seem to get back into a schedule or a routine with the back to school thing. Caught La Petit in a lie last night, straight on, boldface lie. Said he did his math homework, on the bus, and threw out the paper where he showed the work. Long story short, he couldn't do the work so he looked up the answers in the back of the book and just copied them down in frustration.

Am I such a nasty evil mom that he is afraid to come to me to ask for help? I had no problem siting with him for an hour helping him through it, that is, after I dug deep into the trenches of my memory to recall eight grade algebra. I actually really enjoyed sitting with him and think he got alot out of it. I just cant understand his thinking that he would rather get in trouble for not doing/showing the work, not asking for help and falling further behind and just setting the stage for a really lousy year in school.

Tomorrow the monster that beat me a while back has his final court hearing before it is determined if the case will go to trial. I think this is really contributing to my stress and anxiety today. I have a very strong case against him. The Assistant DA handling my case said this is one of the lead cases in my county right now because he really has no shot of beating it if he chooses to continue to plead not guilty and insists on going to trial. This makes me feel alot better and very proud of myself for going forward and pressing charges. What he did to me was just so wrong. I am still not over it or OK from it. I don't know if I ever will be. However, truth be told I am not looking forward to having to face him in court. I will have to testify and I will be frightened. An order of protection is just a piece of paper and I know this monster and I know he thinks he is going to walk away from this or I will back down, and when both of those things don't happen, I am not sure what he will do.

So this is me, today, just trying to stay positive and remind myself, this too shall pass.

I've got soul, but Imm not a soldier...

La Petit started back into his last year of middle school earlier this week. I was feeling really good about it and about him, he really seems to be a in a good place. His self confidence and self esteem really elevated from this time a year ago. He was excited about the new year and looking forward to working harder and doing better.

He had a wonderful summer at camp. Things in our lives are much calmer since the departure of the Monster from our lives, since the Prince moved out and ceased communication with us and his grandfather, my father, passed away early summer. La Petit met a little girlfriend at camp. They were actually voted the cutest couple at the end of the summer. Very "Summer Lovin" from Grease...

La Petit takes Adderrall for his ADHD. A choice of meds I did not decide upon lightly, considering it is a known drug of abuse, it can be habit forming, etc. I filled his script on Monday evening before he was to start back at school on Tuesday. I counted to pills in the bottle (old habits die hard) and started him back on his meds Tuesday morning.

Yesterday, we were up early and going about our normal regular school and work day routine. I normally leave La Petits lunch money and his meds and vitamin on a paper towel on my kitchen counter. He switched things up yesterday by telling me he took his meds already. Something about that didn't sit right with me so I grabbed the bottle as I was walking out the door. I did a recount when I arrived at my office and there were 27 pills in the bottle instead of the 28 that should have been there.

OK, time to go into panic mode. Another teenager, hitting up the pills, shoot me now. I called him on his lunch break and asked how many pills he took in the morning, he said one. I asked then why was there a missing pill. He said he didn't know. Then he said oh yeah, one dropped down the drain. I don't really believe it but cant prove otherwise. I need to remember that counting pills is only effective when the pills are locked up and out of reach.

I come home last night and I am still really upset and I kind of tear apart his room looking for something or nothing in particular and decide that I am going to confiscate his cell phone since he seems to be up till all hours of the night texting his girlfriend.

Snoopy mom that I am I decide to check the cell phone texts. Smart like sucker that he is, he already erased them all anticipating this move on my part. Its kind of like a sick little dance that is all too familiar to me. For me it was like stepping back onto the dance floor and the steps just falling into place. For La petit, it must have been learned by osmosis from seeing his brother and I dance these same steps for so long. This little boy is not the innocent he portrays himself to be. His acting skills, however, are brilliant, absolutely brilliant!!

My next checkpoint on the cell phone is checking his pics. Where I discover pics his little barely thirteen year old girlfriend sent him of her self. She is half naked, beyond provocatively posed and practically pulling off her panties in these pics. As in, little Miss cant keep her panties on.

OK, so WTF?? Seriously??

Falling away from me...

As my beautiful blogger buddy Tab pointed out to me in a comment left on my last post, I have not felt so inspired in my blogging lately. This has nothing to do with troll boy, and everything to do with not feeling so inspired in my life lately. I still spend a great deal of time each day reading the posts of all of my blogger buddies, although not always feeling compelled to comment. But trust that I am here, following your lives, your struggles, your conquests and journeys. I still feel deeply connected to so many of you.

As the summer comes to an end, and it's time to begin another school year, I am reminded of all of the changes in my life over the last year. Change is something I tend to be quite ambiguous about. Often I embrace and seek out change to try to satisfy some need deep within myself, to feel something, anything. A change in the scenery, new homes, new jobs, new friends, new experiences. Usually, as I said, to dull the aching pain I often feel deep within myself.

I'm sure it won't surprise any of you that this has not worked out very well for me. I have yet to come to terms with the very real concept that I have to find happiness within myself, it will not come from a new house, a new job, a new man, etc. I can keep on running and searching and hiding and acting like a chameleon, but it isn't going to make me happy.

So, the tale usually unfolds the same way. I make some big changes and think I will finally feel the happiness that I so desperately seek. For a while, I feel OK. And then I am once again alone with myself, maybe in a different place, but I'm still there. It's me that I cant seem to get away from. Not everyone else.

Whatever happened is over now for you...

And the troll has been visiting, comment moderation enabled.

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I need you to need me...

Syd suggested this: Type your name and "needs" into Google to see what 10 things come up. I wasn't tagged directly, but decided since I was just vegging here on the computer, I would play along, although I am quite sure the last thing any of you guys NEEDS is a double post from me, on a Sunday no less!!!

Kel needs to get a few things (hmmm... new shoes?)

Kel needs a photographer. (to photograph me in my new shoes?!)

Kel needs to return. (oh no! not the new shoes!)

Kel needs to be on tv again. (I wasn't aware that I ever needed to be on tv in the first place...)

Kel needs a man. (hmm, how apropos, please see my last post!)

Kel needs to find his (her) inner caveman. (Didn't know I lost my inner caveman!)

Kel needs to be more organized. (oh, how true, how true...)

Kel needs a little excitement. (not so much, I think grounding is more like it)

Kel needs to man up and admit he (she) did wrong. (sigh, once again please see my last post...)

Kel needs professional help. ('nuff said...)

Happy Sunday y'all and feel free to consider yourself tagged if you want to play along...

Take one step at a time, no reason to rush...

I am not in such a good place in my head right now.

I am making a mess of the few good things I have in my life because I am needy, insecure and just plain broken.

I have been dating a nice man, a good man, a man with some issues of his own but issues that are by far way less than the freight train of baggage that I carry around with me.

I do believe I managed to screw it up this weekend, because I was feeling needy and insecure and was unable/unwilling to communicate and articulate my feelings and instead shut down, and shut him out and went back to my old game playing ways.

This man is 48 years old and doesn't do the game playing thing and I am pretty sure I have screwed it up permanently.

Ohhh, kel. Will you ever learn??

The more I see the less I know, the more I'd like to let it go...

Still no word or contact from or with the Prince. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss him and that I worry about him and want to just call him and hear his voice. But there is the stubborn part of me that just won't. I mean, I am the adult here, and I think an adult conversation with him is called for. But I know it will be fruitless. He is going to do whatever it is he is going to do, and I can not get passed the way he treated me that evening. {{{sigh}}} Going to try to let go and let g-d.



I spend way too much of my time worrying about the future and La Petit. Will he choose the same road as his brother? He has pretty severe ADHD and although he is quite capable, he does not do as well in school as he should. He is a bit lazy and just wants to have fun. He is a real homebody, prefers to be home than to be out with friends. His play time is usually spent with close friends that I am friends with the Moms and we do things together, or family etc. He did ask to go to a movie Friday with a friend but I had made other plans and would not be available to pick him up and he wanted to walk home the mile from the movie theatre at 9:30 pm. I would not allow it. Then I felt guilty. But I just don't think a boy who turned 13 less than a week ago should be walking the streets alone at 9:30 at night.



Sometimes he is this sweet little boy, without a stitch of body hair (or man hair as I like to call it) dancing around my house, making soap "potions" and singing in the shower, snuggling in bed with his Mom. And then sometimes he catches serious at-ti-tude and I see the teenager starting to emerge, and it just scares me. I so can not go through that again, and I know there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I also suffer from parent envy. I see the kind of parents some of my friends are and I feel I just don't measure up and their kids seem so much more together because of it. I mean, is my the only kid around who isn't in the gifted and talented program? Who isn't on the honor roll? Who isn't a local star athlete?

Nope, I am the mother of a drug addict. A member of the elite broken-hearted-moms club (credit to you, Lou; for giving us this apropos title!) My youngest son, the jury isn't in yet, but I can not help but wonder if it was my parenting skills (or lack there of) that have left my children to reap what they must sow.

Alcoholism runs deeply through our veins. So throw some genetics in there and I just feel, well, doomed.

So, anyway, I'm staying in the day, in a I wish I was someone else kind of way...

Let's get to the point, let's smoke another joint...

"Marin said he thinks dope humor can be as funny today as it was back in the '70s.
"I think it's time for a revival of dope jokes. It's a much bigger audience now, it's much more widespread and institutionalized," he said in an interview earlier this month."

This is a direct quote taken from a newsite about the reunion gig of Cheeech and Choong. Dope humor needs a comeback? There is a bigger audience?? Widespread? As in acceptable?? Are they f-ing kidding me?

Drugs are stronger, more prevalent, cheaper and more dangerous than ever before. So lets make it really funny and sound like its even funner to do because our kids don't already have enough peer pressure.

I just don't understand the world sometimes. I really don't.

There's a new kid in town...

Good morning and Happy Friday!! Received a really great, supportive comment from a newly sober/new blogger yesterday. Why not stop by and show her some love from our great little community??

http://healthyhappyandsober.blogspot.com/

I like studying faces in a parking lot, cuz it doesn't remind me of anything...

Today I am feeling frustrated. I am feeling angry with the Prince that he has not called to apologize for his behavior. Which means he doesn't think he is wrong. I am torn as to whether I should call him or wait it out. My gut is telling me to wait it out. He is leaving today for a short vacation down to the coast in MD with his g/f, La Petit, his dad, grandmother and Aunt. His dad's family. I am very pleased that their father is finally remembering he has a family and doing something with them and his family is participating. I am also banging my head against a wall because once again, the Prince is being rewarded and enabled. He is still not working and not even looking for a job. His grandmother must still be buying him his cigarettes and supporting him. So lets take him on vacation because he must be exhausted from partying all night and sleeping and/or doing nothing all day. He certainly deserves a vacation doesn't he?

My mom is going to have dinner with my brother and his girlfriend tonight. They haven't spoken since the blowout on my birthday (one month ago today). My mom has called him daily and he does not return her phone calls. His girlfriend set it up. My mom will bring him all of my dads jewelry and what ever other belongings my brother DEMANDED at the funeral. My brother will trash talk me all night, cry about how broke he is, even though he also does not work, he will complain about his health although he refuses to take care of himself, and my mother will walk away from the evening sympathetic to him and I will look like a martyr, as usual. Whatever.

I hate that my family is so dysfunctional. I really and truly hate it. I need to do some work on myself. I have to go back to detaching and letting go. To not owning other peoples crap. To continue to try to build the life I want for myself. To give up on the pity party and get on with it. Any volunteers out there to give me a good swift kick in the butt to set a fire up under me??

Come back, come back, don't walk away...

Had a big nasty blow out with the Prince this weekend. I invited him and the g/f over for a BBQ. However, I told them there would be rules and boundaries. No smoking in the house, when smoking outside of the house an ashtray must be used at all times (one would think this is a no brainer), "inside voices" should be used at all times even though we would be sitting out back by the pool, the f-bombs should be kept to a minimum, and there was to be absolutely no drama. NO DRAMA.

As if. The day started off OK, except he refused to respect the using of an ashtray rule and decided it was OK to bring a cigarette into the pool. Then he thought it would be OK to set off a firecracker in my backyard. Then after being told as nicely as I could muster that this was unacceptable behavior, he did it again but from my upstairs deck, dangerously close to my neighbors house, my neighbors with 4 young children that don't particularly care for me to begin with. They would walk away from the table and leave their dishes sitting there. He left his soaking wet bathing suit on my wood floors. Ditto his pool towel. Then the drama began. The g/f and him were having an argument that was causing alot of in and out of the house, slamming of deck doors and numerous walks down the block to argue.

This is when I pulled the plug and told them it was time to get picked up. The party was over. Now he starts ranting and screaming and trying to grab beer to take with them. He then started with the F- yous and how he would see me at the next holiday and what a f-ing bitch I am.

Smells like using behavior to me...

The news slows, people forget...

Locally, where I live, there has been a marked increase in the recreational use of a purer, more dangerous form of heroin. Small heroin rings have been busted as close as 8 miles from my home. A young girl of 18 overdosed shortly after her graduation last month, in the town I moved from last year. A young man, from a "good" family (as if it matters...) in that same neighborhood was arrested over the weekend for possession and intent to sell heroin. A boy we knew from the area, had been clean for a good year or two when the Prince was actively using, bonce brought my drunken, pilled up, passed out son safely to our home. I read two weeks ago that this kid was arrested for selling heroin.

Heroin was not my sons DOC. He used it a few times that I know of. (key words- THAT I KNOW OF) One time included an almost fatal overdose. The Prince's current poison is alcohol.

But basically, where I was trying to go with this, is that our newspapers, sort of kind of reported these stories some where deep within there pages. Articles that included information that was given to local school districts to be aware of this ever increasing LOCAL problem. That the schools should be more involved, more informed, in closed communication with the parents when they see a kid is in trouble. To take the shame out of this and bring it to the dinner table. That bad things DO happen to good kids. You know, the kind of things those of us with addicts as children have been screaming about for years.

My question is this. Why oh why does the birth of Brangelinas twins get front page coverage and this stuff just gets buried somewhere deep within the paper? I mean seriously folks, am I the only one who could give a damn less about these babies and the millions of dollars their first photos will fetch??

Somethings at the edge of your mind, you dont know what it is...

Alot of blogging to catch up on, but alot of work to catch up on too, so I am going to just throw out a list on some of the things that have been happening and will elaborate more when I have some time.

> I have finally, at long last, come to realize I do not need a man in my life to make me happy. I am having so much fun this summer spending time with girlfriends, old and new and just having fun.

> It is still nice to have a man attracted and interested in you and I am learning how to date without jumping into a serious, sexual relationship.

> I do kind of miss the sex thing though. LOL

> Going to see a show on Broadway is just about the most wonderful way to spend a Saturday afternoon. Seeing a show starring the Fabulous Ms. Patti LaPone just brings it to a whole other level. They really just do not make good old fashioned stars any more. She is brilliant. I had goosebumps. She is a demi-god and I worship her. Seriously.

> Spending a long summer weekend at the beach with La Petit and his best friend, making smores by a bonfire, walking along the beach watching the sunrise, root beer floats in town... just blissful.

> Learning to spend within my means, closing all of my credit card accounts and living on a cash only policy is humbling. But if feels good to not have any credit card debt.

> Letting go of the ones we love does not get any easier, but it must be, even when you think you can take them home and keep them on the right path. It is in G-ds hands now and I can still love him and have a relationship with him. On my terms.

> Bullies suck. Even more so when they are your own brother and they continue to verbally and emotionally abuse your mother.

> Being a single mom and teaching a friend who is also about to be a single mom how to pump their own gas (seriously), well, it's just good to pass on even the simplest of lifes little pleasures to help one of my own get a little stregnth.

> Alcohol. {{{sigh}}} It is destroying my family on some level, one of us at a time. I am even starting to have some concerns about my own imbibing. And as we all know, normal drinkers dont ever worry about their drinking.

> The best advice I could ever offer anyone is to relish every moment with your loved ones. When they are gone, you will miss them more than words can say.



Hope you are all well and taking some time out to enjoy the lazy days of summer.

Leave, but don't leave me...

The weekend after I buried my Father, was also the last weekend the Prince was living home with me. He is still drug free, we still speak to each other almost daily, and I still see him often. It is just that we aren't meant to live together. As sad as that makes me.

Being a drug addict, mind you a drug addict who is not currently using, the Prince has long ago mastered the art of manipulation and bullying as a tactic to getting his way. He loves to play the victim, make it all about him.

He very quickly got very comfortable living at my house. Part of the arrangement was he was to secure some kind of employment. He has yet to do so. So I was supporting him and his girlfriend. They would leave me shopping lists of the foods they wanted, they were ordering movies daily off of the pay per view. I was paying for their cigarettes. His sobriety is always so important to me and I felt I was doing what I had to do to keep him clean. Right back to the old enabling ways.

When they first moved in, they made sure to have the house clean before I arrived home from work and to at least start dinner and help La Petit with his homework. The clean house thing is a serious pet peeve of mine. Its my house, I work hard, I like, no I demand it to be kept the way I leave it. So I started coming home to a sink full of dishes, computer wires etc., running through the house, overflowing ashtrays, their room just disgusting and smelly. I was started to really loose it, and it was creating a lot of tension. Especially since he was not looking for work, the only interviews he had gone on, were ones I set up for him. The girlfriend managed to find herself a part time gig at a local supermarket.

The day after my Father passed, to go the funeral parlour to make the arrangements for his wake, my former mother in law was taking my boys shopping to get suits. This created a conflict about who was going to pick up the girlfriend from her job at 4 pm. This healthy, 18 year old girl is apparently unwilling or unable to walk the 2 miles from the supermarket to our home or inconvenience her own family to pick her up. My son called me furious that I had the audacity to be at the funeral parlour and was therefore unavailable to play chauffeur to his girlfriend.

Later in the week, during the wake etc., my Prince had reconnected with alot of his cousins he hadn't seen during all of the years he was out getting high. He started making plans to get together with alot of them. The day after my fathers burial, I was very, very happy to have the out of town relatives, etc., pack up and go home. I am basically a quiet person, I needed my space and quiet. Time alone to work through my feelings and my loss. The Prince tells me his cousin from the East end was going to be coming out and spending the weekend. I told him, no, that was going to happen, this was not a family reunion. He was not going to use my father's death to throw a party for his long lost cousins. He got angry with me. Whatever. So I asked him if he could spend the weekend at his girlfriends house just so I could have some peace. They grudgingly obliged. He stopped in over the weekend to pick up some clothes and he saw that La Petit was home, he was somehow under the impression that he would not be "allowed" in the house for the weekend either. He flipped out and said, "I'll see you in a few months" and stormed out of the house.

I was deeply hurt by his behavior. He was just so hurtful and mean to me. I couldn't believe it. I felt as though I was punched in the face. The old Prince, although clean, was rearing his ugly head. I wish I could say that I miss him living with me, but when he is there, there is no peace or serenity. And I worked too hard to have that in my home.

Well it's my birthday too...

Happy Birthday to me.

Today I turn 40 years old.

Is that really possible?

My eyes are open, and I am ready to move forward.