I used to do a little but a little wouldn't do it...

My mother is an alcoholic. My mother is my best friend. There is no other person in this world that I love more or would rather spend time with than her. Until nightfall when she starts with her wine. She was hospitalized for a week or so last winter for congestive heart failure. She had the DTs while in the hospital. Her alcoholism and poor diet contributed to her illness. She didn't drink for about a month after that. Then she went back. She didn't drink alcoholically when I was growning up, all though she was always a "drinker", probably never a normie at all. Her disease progressed the last few years while my father was getting sicker and sicker. She says she drinks to help her deal with her shitty hand in life and to help get her through this. She admits she is an alcoholic but does not want to get sober. I find it so sad. My whole family went to dinner earlier in the week, there were 9 of us. My husband and I, my little one, the Prince and his girlfriend, my Uncle and my Mother in law, and my parents. We had a drink at the bar while we were waiting for the table, and then we sat down. She proceeded to finish off a bottle of wine at dinner. She gets a little loud, never nasty, but louder than normal, and sometimes says inappropriate things. I hate to say that she embarrasses me or that she embarrassed the prince, but I had to keep telling her to "not say that". I just always wish these dinners would be different.

I was surprised to see that my husband did not drink too much at dinner. I thought maybe he was controlling his drinking. I know, stupid blonde. So the next night I can hear his alarm clock going off at 5:00 in the morning and its blaring and blaring so I go downstairs to shut it off thinking he must have gone to work early. The door is wide open, the TV is blasting the lights are on, there is an empty bottle of vodka on the counter, and no sign of him. So now I have to play find the passed out drunk before my younger son does. I finally found him passed out naked in the Princes bed. Real f-ing nice.

I think I read it in a comment that dAAve posted somewhere about this disease.... Cunning, Baffling, Powerful...

6 weird things about me

Wow, I have been tagged. This is my first tag. I am oddly moved....

The rules are as follows: Each player of this game starts with the 6 Weird Things About You. People who get tagged need to write a blog entry of their own 6 Weird Things as well as state this rule clearly. In the end, you need to choose 6 people to be tagged and list their names. Don't forget to leave a comment that says you are tagged in their comments and tell them to read your blog. Here comes the weird...

1- I can only watch TV in bed. Cant sit on the couch, lay on the floor or watch it in the kitchen. I must be laying in bed. My bed.

2- When I was a little girl I used to suck my thumb and twirl my hair. I have long outgrown the thumb sucking but still twist and twirl my hair into little knots. Especially when I am feeling stressed. There have been many times in the office where people have come up to me and asked me why there are little knots sticking up on my head.

3- I have food issues. Lots of them. I wake up more often than not in the middle of the night and eat junk food. Usually snickers or mallowmars. On more than one occasion I have woken up in the morning with smeared melted chocolate on me and the bed linens. Is it any wonder I sleep alone?

4- I have an insane, completely unnatural fear of bugs. Especially spiders. I can not sleep if there is a spider in my room. I have come extrememly close to getting into serious car accidents as a result of a bee or a spider being in my car.

5- I obsessively put on hand cream. At least 30 times a day. I go threw cases of hand cream a month.

6- I am fascinated with prisons. I have seen every prison movie ever made, and read any book I can get my hands on that has to do with prison. I had a friend as a teenager who went to prison and when he came out I would sit with him mesmorized for hours listening to him tell stories. He has since died of a heroin overdose.

Ok, so I tag Dr. Jeckyl vs. Mr. Hyde , Alanoner for life, MsManna, and One Gay at a time.

Secrets

The Prince has been living at his grandparents since the relapse and I can honestly say, I have never been happier. His grandmother brings him home every morning to catch the bus to his program and picks him up every afternoon. I say Good Morning to him and discuss whatever is happening and I continue to get ready for work and he lays down until his bus arrives. This morning we discussed his present state of flunking out of high school, he rolled his eyes at me and again said he didn't plan on repeating his senior year. It is hard for me to not engage and start a fight. But I didn't. My heart started racing, but I kept my cool.

His grandmother has plans on Saturday and asked if we could take the Prince for the day. I felt the blood drain from my face. G-d forgive me, but I don't want him there for even a day. He will pick a fight, he will start with me, he will steal something, he will torture his brother, I am just not up to it. I said only if his father would be home. Yeah right.

So I feel I have to share something with my fellow bloggers. I have a secret. Depending on how you view these sort of hings it is either a bad secret or a good secret. I have been seeing a man. Yes, technically I am married. But it is strictly on paper. We have had separate bedrooms for 3 or more years and haven't been intimate in as long. Except for once while on vacation in the Bahamas a few years ago when he fed me too much wine with dinner. So anyway, I am seeing someone. He is older. Fourteen years older and he is old fashioned of the boat Italian. Not that that is a bad thing, just something I am not used too. It was nice in the beginning, the wining and dining, the phone calls, flowers, little gifts. He knows my situation and I explained from day 1 that I was a little it broken and not up to anything serious and I could make no promises as my kids were my priority and that this was just a friendship that was blossuming. He listened to me, he is so supportive of me, he knows all my drama, my parents like him. My mom knows what is going on and she is happy that someone is finally taking care of me and that I seem happy for the first time in a million years.

I have a few good friends that are of the male persuasion. One I used to work with and we have remained great friends, he is 6 years younger than me. He is not a threat. Our friendship is mostly through email and occasional phone calls. The other is a friend that I also communicate mostly through emails with, we also run/walk together when our schedules allow. We have been friends for almost 14 years. There isn't even sexual tension between us. I told him about these friends and explained that I wasn't going to give them up and he would have to deal with that when we first got together. He accepted it.

Until recently. He is becoming fiercely jealous. Possessive. He gets mad at me for nothing and hangs up on me and then doesn't speak to me for days. I have to runoffs and kiss his ass and make up. Sooo not like me. Yesterday he was telling me about some earrings he bought for his daughter and they sound exactly like a pair my old work friend bought for his girlfriend and I remarked how funny that was that they both choose this kind of earring. He flipped out and pretty much hung up on me. He knows what I am going through with my Dad being so sick, my Prince being so F-ed up, my cold from Sneezy McSneeze, and all of my other drama. He hasn't called me since. I have decided not to call him either. I didn't so anything wrong and just cant understand why I keep making these bad choices and decisions in my life. Is this just more co-dependency? Am I so desperate to be loved and taken care of? Are you all going to judge me and call me a slut and say no wonder my Prince is so screwed up?

No more homework, no more books.....

And now, I have a cold. I was sneezed on by Sneezy McSneeze. And now I am sick. I swear, I am getting so beyond bitter that it is starting to scare me.

Received a message on my voice mail at home last night from the Prince's science teacher. The prince is failing Science. He refuses to do any class or home work, does not participate and in general just doesn't care. I told him this morning if his plan was to fail and not graduate this year so he can repeat his senior year in his old school next year that he is sadly mistaken. That the house is going on the market in January and I will be no where near this town next September and he would have to go to school wherever his grandparents live because they are talking about moving this year as well or somewhere in the city where his father plans on moving after we sell the house. He says he will graduate. Yeah right.

Then today I received a call from his math teacher saying the exact same thing. I really wish I knew what this kid was thinking. I told the teacher that I had nothing to offer her as far as a solution because I can not make this kid do anything. That if is choosing to fail, then so be it. He won't listen to me or anyone else. I could just hear the judgment through the phoneline.

I haven't smoked a cigarette in 53 days and my clothes are getting a little tight. Time to take action, step away from the mallowmars and maybe dust off the running shoes....

Sneezy McSneeze....

Thursday night is bowling night. We have to be there by 6:30. In a perfect world I could walk out of the office at 4:30, get home by a little after 5 change my clothes, check homework, and get to bowling on time and unstressed. Mine, is not a perfect world. My world is a whirlwind of having to be some place all the time and I seem to spend too much of my time sitting in traffic on the LIE. I hate traffic, and I hate the LIE.

So I managed to misplace my glasses on the way to bowling. Apparently I bowl better when I cant see anything. Who knew? As I was leaning down squinting to see our bowling stats from 2 weeks ago, one of the guys we were bowling against sneezed on me. I mean, he covered his mouth and nose slightly but he actually sneezed on me. I have never been so freaked out in all of my life. He didn't even go to the rest room to wash his hands. Then he was high fiving everyone when they bowled well with his sneeze filled hand. What is wrong with this world?

But my dreams aren't as empty....

Today is the one year anniversary of my blog. I don't know what my intention was when I first started it but this is the shape it has taken and I like it. It helps me to get things off my chest, I have come to meet many incredibly supportive recovery people. And I have received I guess what is considered my first spam comment. I don't like it at all.

So. The prince has been living with his grandparents for close to two weeks now. He has gone back to his program. But I think he only went back because he knows his father started the PINS process again, and he risks going back on probation. He doesn't understand that there is very little the courts can do at his age. He will be 18 in 6 months and 2 weeks.

His relapse involved heroin, triple c's and marijuana. That we know of. He admitted to stealing money. I also heard today that he was involved in the dealing of the triple c's. The kid that was thrown out of the program for providing the other kids with the drugs comes from our town. The program recommended he be sent to a residential program. His mom, a single mom, is a teacher in the HS, didn't do it. She is having him home schooled instead. This kid is telling people in town that the Prince was dealing too. Four months ago, I would have doubted this and defended the Prince. Today, it doesn't even surprise me. I won't even ask him. I also came to realize that the heroin incident, could not have been his first time with it. It just doesn't make sense that he would have used it if he never had before.

Last night I had to go to my little guys parent teacher conference. The teacher asked if there was anything going on at home that she should know about, because they are seeing a tremendous difference in the quality of his work this year. He is withdrawn and not working to his potential. He seems sad. I was devastated. I spoke to him about it and he said it has been so hard for him with the Prince around and he is scared of him and for him and he thinks about it all the time and only now that he is not in the house, does he feel better. He is not ready to speak to a shrink yet. I wish he would. He is so good and pure and innocent and eager to please and he is internalizing all of his emotions and I am so afraid he will do what the Prince did. So does this mean I am doing the right thing by not allowing him to stay in the house with us? Will all of my questions ever be answered? Is this really it?

It's not a habit, it's cool....

I can almost go two or three hours in a row until the word and the thought of it hits me again. Heroin. My son snorts heroin. And then the palpatations come and the breathing becomes difficult. And then I remember... God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can;and wisdom to know the difference. And then the breathing returns.

I will get through this. I can let go.

Happy Thanksgiving and love to all of you!!!

How to save a life?

As I reread my post from last week, I could kick myself in the head. Or applaud myself for my own intuition. We had another relapse. And it was a F-ing doozey. Triple Cs which he bought from a new kid in rehab with some other money he apparently stole from us and here it comes... Heroine. The prince f-ing snorted heroine. On the bus either on his way to or from rehab. He has managed to relapse on a drug that he had never done before. The family counselor called me Friday afternoon. She was as devastated as I was. I don't think I have been able to breathe normally since getting the phone call.

I just knew. I knew his behavior was off the last few weeks. I should have known he was using. And he is so indifferent. He keeps saying, "One time, I did it one time" like he snuck a beer at a party. This is clearly a child who has no interest in sobriety. I am devastated.

My younger so was sick and I had to take him to the doctor Saturday morning. Friday night I told AH that I was leaving, that this was no longer an environment that I felt safe in and that I was taking my little guy and renting an apartment. He agreed it was best. The little guy and I were out early, went to the doc and then picked up my mom and went looking at some townhouses and condos. I want to live in a gated community if I am going to be on my own, I have never lived on my own before and it scares me a little. When the price got up and we weren't there, his father told him where I was. A little while later he took off again.

So I came home, packed a bag for me and my little guy and went to stay at my moms. I wasn't planning on being home for the drama if and when he showed up. He called his grandparents later that night to be picked up. Then he called me crying saying that I abandoned him. This was all my fault. No shot. Not going to fall for that again. I started to raise my voice in frustration and he hung up on me. He called again yesterday morning and I told him he could live at home with me anymore. Not until he had some honest clean time and a complete change of attitude. That I could no longer enable him and would no longer tolerate his verbal abuse, and him stealing from me, and he decided he will stay with his grandparents but that he was dropping out of rehab and would go to an alternative school to finish HS and get a job and do outpatient treatment but he was done with rehab. In fact, the reason he snorted the heroine in the first place was because he was in rehab. I mean, C'mon, give me a f-ing break.

He didn't go back this morning and I am hoping he will go tomorrow. I feel like the worst mother on the planet for doing this but I don't know what else to do anymore. I am just so sad. I am truly beaten down.

The Good, The Bad, and My Many Other Personalities

Stopped over by Mr. Jeckyls blog and was glad to see he is still with us, although I am a bit worried about his "experiment". I'll pray for him and hope to see him back soon but it inspired me to drag myself out of my depression long enough to write a post of my own. Not too mention how bad it makes me feel when I see people I consider my blog buddies leaving me comments showing concern and then I just disappear. I'm sorry about that.

So things are, I don't know, things are just out of control. The prince is still clean, at least for the moment, but he is off PINS now and maybe its a coincidence, but he is having major attitude problems. It's like visions of the old prince who used. This boy still has not made it to modified curfew. He w as doing well. Really really well. He was on track and heading onto modified and he was sharing and doing a lot of work and everyone there was so proud of him, as were we. And then I don't know, ***poof*** the old prince came back.

He is not a scholar. Education, sadly means very little to him. Its all about him and having fun and doing his time and being the prince and F the future he thinks he can go to culinary school at the bargain price of $26 grand a year and Mommy will foot the bill and he will leave the program in February and go back to HS and have more fun cause that's what its all about. I somehow feel responsible for this. I was so freaking afraid of him relapsing that I walked on eggshells for the last 8 or 9 months and kissed his ass and gave in to his every whim cause god forbid the prince should be unhappy cause then he might use.

Well guess what I finally figured out. He is going to use if he wants to use and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it and he has been hanging over my head for what seems like forever. I know, Im quick, nothing gets by me.....

So he has this math teacher that he hates and the feeling is quite mutual. She throws him out of the class quite regularly. He seems to provoke it and make sure it happens. So a week or so ago he sort of flipped out when this teacher threw him out of the class and it kind of escalated and it set some of the other kids into a mood and a mob mentality took over and he was ranting and freaking out and he told them that this was the REAL prince, that the other guy they have known was all bullshit and lies and this was who he really was and blah blah blah. So they suspended him from the program. Great. Just F-ing great. So I leave work early, so I can be there before he is and I am all cheerful and happy when he gets off the bus and he is thrown for a loop. Doesn't know what to think. I offer to make him some coffee or tea or a snack and he sys to me, "I guess you didn't get the phone call from the program yet" and I told him that yes, I did, and whatever, he had a bad day. We all have them and he was entitled to have one too and whatever, he needs to manage his temper better, but we need to move on and get past it. He didn't know what to think. I think I handled it brilliantly. There was no drama, no yelling, it was all good.

This however seemed to set off something in him. He just started being nasty and mean to everyone in the house and very uncooperative and I didn't know where it was coming from. Like I said, it was shades of the using prince. His girlfriend is a good kid, a real prize. She works 2 jobs, she is a straight A student, she doesn't drink smoke or use drugs of any kind, she is happy to sit home with him all the time and watch movies or hang out. She is crazy about him and super supportive. Since the new school year started though, she is working a lot or she is busy with homework so she doesn't come over every day and sometimes not at all on a weekend or maybe just for an hour or two. I know he put himself here, but it still breaks my heart to see him sad or depressed, and I worry so that he will start the cutting again. So on Monday night I decided to get some tix for all of us to go to a Hockey game. I got Islander tix although my little guy and I are diehard Ranger fans, but Islander tix are easier to get for obvious reasons that I wont get into so as to not risk insulting anyone out there.

My cleaning girl comes on Mondays, and she had called me that morning to tell me she had to cancel but I had already left the house and left her money on the counter. Long story short, when I came that afternoon, there was $20 missing from her money. I confronted the prince very nicely, deny deny deny. I checked his room and shock of all shocks, I found a crisp $20 bill in his desk that hadn't been there the day before. He still denied taking the money. It amazes me how stupid he either is or that he thinks I am.

I was devastated. I even buy this kids cigarettes. I cover his every financial need. If he needed $20 it was for one reason only. He was planning on getting high.

I basically had just about had enough. We still went to the hockey game because I spent $400 on tix and I just kept my distance from him. I ignored him the whole ride home and then he asked me to buy him cigarettes. I actually broke out laughing. Is he kidding me or what??? So when we got home that night he started with his father how I was acting like a child and he didn't steal that money and how I was turning on him so I took my little guy and left, went to stay at my neighbors house.

This is getting too long for the quick little catch up blog I intended to write, I will try to finish it up tomorrow.

Have a great night all, if anyone out there still reads me.....

Who's sorry now?

The combination of my meds is exhausting me. I can not possibly live my life like this. My therapist called me yesterday and can see me this weekend. This is a very good thing. I have been in a complete self destructive out of control downward spiral the last few weeks. I am just getting too old to keep making bad choices. I stopped seeing my shrink after my doc put me on the anti-depressants and I started to feel human again. Thought I was cured by the little blue blue pills. Being a well read, very informed mother of a son with an addiction problem, you think I would know better than to believe something like that. That my own evils could be chased away with a little pill and no hard work while I expect my prince to face his demons and not depend on substances to make everything ok. I know it is not necessarily the same thing but it somehow just seems hypocritical to me.

And sometimes, and this is one of these times, I feel like a complete fraud. A hypocrite and a fraud. A phony. A liar. I am not who I pretend to be. Yes, I am strong and I love my children but I am also sad and self centered and needy and that leads me to make choices that I know are very wrong and will have poor outcomes. Isnt repeating the same behavior and expecting a different outcome a crude definition of insanity? It that it? Have I finally gone insane???

Baby, I'm back......

Good morning all. I'm sorry I have been so out of touch, there has just been so much going on. We found out last week that my Dad's cancer is back. Not a huge surprise. We knew it was possible and were told by the surgeon two years ago that it was a "fix" and not a cure and that it would be back. Pancreatic Cancer is one of the worst. We were lucky to have almost 2 cancer free years with a relatively decent life quality for him. The good news is it is recurrent disease where most of his pancreas used to be, and the liver is clean and there is no sign of metatastic disease. We will try some chemo to shrink and contain it. Maybe we will get lucky and buy some more time. Any extra prayers anyone can share would be greatly appreciated.

A week or so before we got that news I had to take a day off from work and drive my Mom to Connecticut to see her sister who has been in intensive care for the last few weeks. Trudge, if your reading this, I thought of you since I was in your "hood"!!! My aunt is not doing well, and will probably not make a full recovery if at all. I think they are moving her to Yale in New Haven today. At least it is a little closer to visit.

Also found out that the palpatations I have been having are the result of me having a Hypper Dynimic Heart. He put me on meds and I was forced to give up my beloved Malboro Lights. Today is day 10 of me being nicotine free. I am quite proud of myself. Did it cold turkey too. Next I will be forced to give up my lattes. I can not believe I am only 38 and I already have to take heart medication. I have always been thin and in shape, I eat well and basically take good care of myself... with the exception of the smokes that is......

My prince is doing ok. The small amount of weed he smoked did not show up in his urine. He is probably going to go on Modified curfew any day now. He is really anxious to start working. Although he is still completely unconcerned about his school work. He honestly doesn't seem to care if he graduates or not. He actually told me last week that he doesn't care and he would be glad to do another year of high school and then he can graduate with his girlfriend and some of his other friends in that grade. He still just doesn't get it. But things have been okay with him. He did some therapy alone with his father last week and although neither of them told me what was discussed, apparently they both did a lot of talking. I am proud of him. He has come a long way. I must constantly remind myself that it is progress, not perfection that he needs. It helps to think of that. One day at a time.

A friend of mine that I knew in HS died of a an overdose of crack and cocaine a few weeks ago. He was a brilliant guy and I am sad he never got out of the drug scene. A lot of the guys I knew back in the day didn't. Its so sad. I could have easily been the same. I got pregnant and married at 20. Although it required a lot of sacrifice on my part, it got me out of the bar scene and probably saved me from becoming an alcoholic myself since the disease just runs so rampant in my bloodline.

Tonight I am doing the coolest thing that I think I have ever done. I am going to a book signing in Manahattan of my favorite author, Augustin Burrows (I am mispelling it on purpose). I have found a few first editions hard covers of his books on ebay and will have them signed. How incredibly cool is that??

I miss all of my blog friends and am glad to have a moment today to try to catch up. I hope you are all well.

Scar Tissue

Thank goodness it is Friday and I have a nice long three day weekend. I am seriously sleep deprived. I am sending my children to their grandmothers for a sleep over, having dinner with some old work friends and plan to be in bed by 10, catching up on all of the shows I have DVRd the last few weeks. Cant wait!!

So it has been a strange week at home. No new news on the prince and his urine test. They did test him when he went back, they test at least twice a week. So I am sure it will come up dirty and he will be back to square one as far as ever getting on modified curfew.

He has been warmer to me. It sounds terrible, but it makes me uneasy. He asked me to tape a show on the DVR for him Wednesday night and then wanted to watch it with me in my room. Last night after bowling (Please don't ask how I am doing. I completely suck. I should be thrown off the team) he asked me to hang in his room with him and watch a movie. His girlfriend wrote him a little love note and he wanted me to see it.

I should mention here that we have never made a big deal about clothes or the lack of in our home. My kids both walk around freely in their boxers at night. Anyway, we are sitting there, watching this horrible movie, and he is in his boxers and I look at his legs and I see all these red marks from where he cut himself. There were at least a dozen or so, if not more, on each leg. I thought he was over that and I said so. He told me he was, that they were old, and still healing. I got a closer look and I was sick. They were definitely old, but very red and very thick and apparently the cuts were very deep. He said one was almost to the bone, gaping with tissue exposed. The scars will be there forever I think. It just breaks my heart all the pain this kid is in and still has and where the F it came from.

I did some research on the net today about this cutting and self mutilation, and "they" call it the new anorexia. Its becoming epidemic and its almost contagious. When I was in my early twenties I pierced my belly button. I liked it, thought it looked cute. When the prince hit his teen years, and started bringing girls around I thought it was time to take it out and try to look more like a Mommy, or at least more like the other mommies. So now I have a scar on my navel, and it drives me crazy. It bothers me so much having it and it is a teeny tiny little thing.
My prince will have these scars for the rest of his life. Like he will wear his pain like a badge of honor. It just kills me a little more every day.

And so it continues.

Friday I spoke to the princes counselour and she told how amazing he is doing and that he really seems to be getting it and he should be rewarded over the weekend. So i told him he could take the day off on Monday. Friday night I woke up and saw his light was still on and I walked into his room and he was at his desk and he was startled when I came in and it looked like he threw something down. Quickly. I looked around didn't see anything and just went back to bed. Saturday afternoon when he was out on the boat with his grandparents, I did a thorough search of his room and sure enough found a little home made pipe made from tin foil and a small empty bad that smelled like Pot. I didnt say anything to him until Monday. He tried to deny and say it was old then thought better of it and owned up to it. There was no drama.

I didnt tell the program. I will wait until it comes back in his urine. I know that this is enabling, but I am just so tired. I feel like I handled it well. I didnt even yell at him.

I am getting better and better at this letting go stuff. I want him to make the right decisions but I cant make him and I cant make them for him. I think my reaction surprised him. Of course he is in full manipulation mode right now. He complimented my outfit yesterday. He never ever does that. I like to ask him how I look in the mornings to bust his chops, I ask him everyday if what I am wearing makes me look fat and he doesnt even look up at me when he responds No. Its a game.

No new news on my dad yet. He has an appointment at Sloan in the next week or so. Thank you all for adding him to your prayers.

Extra Prayers Please...

My dad was diagnosed with Pancreatic Cancer two years ago this coming November. Fourteen years before that, at the age of 49, he suffered a massive stroke, leaving him paralyzed on his left side. Shortly after that he was diagnosed with diabetes. He in insulin dependent. Needless to say, he is a very sick man.

When we were given the cancer diagnosis, we were told he would most likely be dead within 3-6 months. We went to Sloan Kettering and found an amazing surgeon that said it was operable, and after a grueling 9-10 hours of surgery, he was able to remove the tumor. The recovery was long and painful. He had many complications, in and out of the hospital for 6 months or so after the surgery. But he was cancer free. A follow up course with chemo would have been ideal, but he isn't strong or healthy enough to withstand the chemo, it would most likely kill him.

He returns to the doc every few months for bloodwork. They do what's called a CA19-9 (or something like that) blood test. Elevated levels in this test indicate pancreatic cancer, although it should not be used as a diagnostic tool, if the levels are elevated, the doc follows up with a MRI or a PET scan. My dads levels remained steady for the first year after the surgery and for the last year they have been creeping up. Over the summer the levels were in the 300s but the MRI was clean. While at his regular MD about 3 weeks ago he asked for this test again. The levels were through the roof. 1900. So we took him back to Sloan, thinking it was a mistake, and he was retested on Monday. Yesterday we found out his levels are over 3000. Not a good sign. They are going to get him in for an MRI later this week or early next week. he is frightened, and depressed. He told my mom Monday night that he was so weak and tired. I am afraid for him. So if anyone can spare an extra prayer for my Dad today, it would be greatly appreciated.

Peace.

The calm before the storm?

Things are calm. But I keep having this feeling of dread like it is the calm before the storm. The princes girlfriend got a job, working afterschool and on weekends, so she hasn't been around a lot the last week or so. It makes him out of sorts. He is restless. Seems a little depressed. Friday night he stayed up all night drinking espresso and playing a computer game so he could sleep away most of Saturday because he didn't have anything else to do. Did the same thing on Saturday night. Sunday night we went to my parents house for dinner. He went, but he had an attitude. He was fighting with his brother all night. Told him to get the F out of the room when he was talking to his GF on the phone. So I told him not to speak that way in his grandparents house or to his brother. Period. He had a tantrum and told me I ruined his night and then went to take a nap.

Last week he told me that the anitdepressants were giving him some rather unpleasant sexual side effects. He is waiting to talk to his doctor at the program about it. His regular doc just left on maternity leave and the new one hasn't gotten to see him yet. He doesn't want me to call, he wants to take care of it on his own.

So of course, now I am worried that this will affect the relationship with the GF. I know it sounds like I am giving my blessing to him being sexual active, and I am not. However, I know that you can not stop them from doing it so I try hard to keep the communication open with this stuff so he will talk to me and I can be sure he is being safe. Its awkward and uncomfortable, but I know he feels like he can tell me everything.

I received a call from his probation officer this morning. She left me a voicemail. He is officially off PINS. I am now on my own. I am pleased because that means he is improving and doing better, but it was the last piece of leverage I had over him at all. I am afraid he will now drop the program and do what he wants.

I guess this is adding to my trepidation today. I can just feel something brewing. Is this just more co-dependent behavior? Or is it ok to feel like this?

Oh... and one more thing...

I tag Trudge.....






P.S. Thanks for your help Tab!! ;)

Here comes the Judge....

I share an office with a woman who was hired about 5 months ago. We have become friendly. I respect and like her. She is in her mid-40s and a widow. She has a grown daughter. She has been looking to meet men on the internet through the personals, like yahoo or something like that. Yesterday she received an interest or a wink or something from a really nice looking man, late 40s successful, blah blah blah. So we got to work writing a clever witty response. Anyway, long story short, I started asking her about the kind of guys she has met on the site and she said not many good ones. That most of them were nothing like what they claimed to be, and a lot of them very either alcoholics or recovered drug addicts, and she wants no part of that.

I'm not sure if she saw my jaw drop when she said that. But is this really the way the world looks at people in recovery? That they want no part if an intimate relationship with them? That they aren't worthy of second chance?

When the prince first started using, and it was basically pot and alcohol back then, he was in the ninth grade, and as a result he failed every course including gym, with the exception of English for the year. He would have to take 2 or 3 subjects in summer school to catch up a bit and be allowed to go onto the 10th grade. Of, course he failed summer school as well. I honestly don't think I thought he was doing drugs yet, that would come shortly after.

Well there was a big meeting at the school and we had to make a decision. He could go to the altern. HS program located in the building or he could stay back in the 9th grade. The Alt. program was an inclusion class, it ranged from 10-12th graders the ratio was small, maybe 10:1 or something like that. It was for the kids that didn't fit the "traditional" education model. These kids weren't given homework, because they wouldn't do it anyway, they didn't have to take gym, because "these" kids didn't like to change into sweats or shorts and run around and play. They read the sports pages and wrote a paragraph in order to satisfy the state ed requirements for physical education, they watched the movie instead of reading the books. These were the f-ed up kids, mostly the kids on drugs, on probation, and other problems like that. But there were two classes, one for the kids who had a learning disablilty like my son, and the one for those that didn't. They led me to believe that these kids were not all on drugs, that some smoked a little pot, but half of the HS did, so what was the worry?

After much deliberation, I decided it was probably better to let him go into the Alt. program then to keep him back a year. The district more or less told me this was his best shot at graduating HS. They would push him through. All I could think of was, would any girls date him or want to go to the prom with him if he was in this class.

I clearly remember how I felt that day, I knew he would be judged, and I think that bothered me almost as much as his failing. I can also remember times during the last few years when I would be somewhere and meet someone who has kids in the HS and I wouldn't want to say who my son was cause I know what his reputation is like up there, and I know lots of the other parents didn't want their kids any where near mine.

But I know its a disease. And I can only pray he will keep the desire to stay clean. He seems to making a lot of progress these last few weeks since the relapse on the cruise. We had a family session on Tuesday and she couldn't stop saying how incredible he has been doing, that he is staying awake all day, he is participating for the first time since he started and he is finally dealing with some stuff and opening up.

We started talking about the family dynamics and how unfortunate the relationship is between the prince and his dad. His father spoke briefly and said how the kid needs to respect him and how the prince needs to accept that he is the authority figure, and so on. I interjected that he needs to start seeing the prince as a human being, that in a few months he will be a man, and he needs to learn to accept that and accept the prince and try to save the relationship now, while there are professionals willing to help.

She said there is work that has to be done with the prince and his dad and she is willing to put it on table and "go there" but she needs to know his feelings about it, is he willing. It is all about his father and his active alcoholism. He says he is willing to try. She wants me to sit out for the next session, and try to get them working. It will be ugly I am sure.

So, wow, I am all over the place on this post today. I wanted to say how sad I found my friends comment to be and that I know people are ignorant, but how much it hurt me and I didn't say anything about it, but it hurt me.

Does this make any sense at all?

Have a great weekend all.

A little something about me.....

1. YOUR FULL NAME?
Kel

2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
Yes, I think after a tv character in the late 60s.

3. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
Hmm... Last Sunday I think

4. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yes, my printing I love, but my script is sloppy and I dont like it. I blame my third grade teacher for this.

5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
I'm not a fan of lunch meat but I love cream cheese with olives and pimentos. Does that count?

6. KIDS?
Yes. Two sons.

7. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Probably not. I'm very needy and always have alot of drama in my life.

8. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL?
Does this blog count?

9. DO YOU USE SARCASM A LOT?
Yes, but I dont think people always get it that it's sarcasm.

10. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yup.

11. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Nah... I'm a big chicken. I don't even do roller coasters.

12. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Cheerios.

13. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? Usually. Im a bit on the anal retentive side. Not only do I untie them. I put them back in their original box.

14. ARE YOU STRONG? Not even a little.

15. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM FLAVOR? Not a huge ice cream eater, but I guess it would be vanilla. To match my vanilla life.

16. SHOE SIZE? 8. I went up a size with each of my kids.

17. DO YOU LIKE RED OR PINK? Pink!!!!!!

18. WHAT IS THE LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? Freckles. I have millions.

19. WHAT IS THE MOST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? I have good hair and Im naturally thin.

20. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO PARTICIPATE THIS BACK TO YOU? Sure.

21. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING- I am wearing my fabulous new black pleated skirt from INC. and even more fabulous black Enzo Angiolini stiletto pumps with a peek a boo hole at the toe. LOVE THEM!!

22. LAST THING YOU ATE? Half a bag of those super sweet candy corns. The ones with the chocolate in them. I live on candy and coffee.

23. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Nada. I am still in the office. Mostly everyone is gone. Its like a cemetary in here. I love it this time of day.

24. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Silver. I always liked the silver one best.

25. FAVORITE SMELL? Fabric softener when the dryer is on.

l26. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? My boss.

27. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE YOU ARE ATTRACTED TO? Smile

28.DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO TAGGED YOU? I wasnt tagged. I cut and pasted it off of another blog.

29.FAVE DRINKS-Starbucks... Non-fat vanilla latte.

30. FAVORITE SPORT? Hockey

31. EYE COLOR? Green. Cat green. Very blah.

32. HAT SIZE? -I have no idea!! I usually buy them for $5 on the street in Manhattan.

33. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Nope. But need glasses for tv, movies and driving.

34. FAVORITE FOOD? -Cheese and bread.

35. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDING? -Happy endings.

36. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED AT THE MOVIES? I forgot the name of it, but it was REALLY BAD. It starred Hillary Duff and her sister. I took the Prince and his girfriend.

37. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?Off white sweater.

38.SUMMER OR WINTER? -Summer

39.There does not seem to be a question here..?

40. FAVORITE DESSERT? -Carrot cake... no raisins please, or creme brulee

41.WHO IS LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? huh?

42. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Huh?

43. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Sellevision, by Augusten Burroughs, I absolutely love everything he has written.

44. WHAT'S ON YOUR MOUSE PAD? Its red, and it has a vendors name on it. It was a sample.

45. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Reruns of Greys Anatomy

46. FAVORITE SOUNDS? Hearing the prince actually giggle. My little one telling me he loves me.

47. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? -Beatles

48. THE FARTHEST YOU'VE BEEN FROM HOME? San Francisco or The Caribbean Im not sure which is farthest, actually I guess its San Fran. Geography... so not my thing.

49. WHAT'S YOUR SPECIAL TALENT? I can accesorize well??? Im not very talented at anything.

50. WHEN AND WHERE WERE YOU BORN? -Brooklyn, 1968.

51. WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?-I stole it from a blog that I found by checking out some of Tabs links...

This post is actually not about the Prince....

So last weekend my neighbors who are not married, they are bothe divorced and are living together, we are all really close friends, invited us over to play cards. We usually spend holidays together, our kids are great friends, the families are close. My parents are crazy about the Boyfriend, he is about 10 years older than me. The girlfriend, who I consider to be one of my closest friends, is my age.

I am not much of a card player. I have ADD issues. I cant sit still very long, so I dont play, I tend to run around, serving everyone, cleaning up, making more coffee etc. This couple tends to drink a bit too much for my taste. Needless to say, my parents and AH love to hang out with them. So anyway, I go upstairs to wash some dishes and make some coffee to try to wrap the evening up, and Im in the kitchen and the boyfriend comes up behind me, wraps his arms around my waist and starts kissing my neck. I mean, WTF is that about?? I didnt know what to say. I was startled. I squirmed away and I was like, are you kidding me??? And he starts telling me how he cant stop thinking about me, blah blah blah. I need this??? So I try to nicely explain that it isn't gonna happen, that # 1 I am not interested, #2 your girlfirend is my best friend #3 what kind of piec of crap are you???? My parents were down the stairs, so was his girlfriend and so was AH. Now, dont get me wrong, AH and I dont have a relationship like that anymore, but still this guy is his friend.

What is wrong with people? What gives them the right? So now, of course I have been upset all week thinking, maybe I sent him signals, maybe I was unconciously leading him on. I often come to them, as a couple for help and advice, they are good to me. Maybe my neediness came off as something else?

Tonight is bowling night. We bowl on the same team. It will be awkward. The first thing I have done for myself in g-d knows how long has now been tainted. Will the drama in my life ever end??

Co-dependency and Cleanliness...

I think one of the reasons I am so reluctant to get myself to an Al-anon or Families Anon meeting is that I am afraid if I "accept" or let go, then I will lose him. That I will be giving my blessing for him to continue with his suicide mission. I know how ridiculous that sounds but I cant help but have the feeling that if I take care of me then I cant take care of him.

The last week or so I have been focusing my energy more on myself. Not driving my self crazy, trying to eat and sleep, taking care of me for a change. And I notice he is a bit indifferent. Like if I am not all over him, he still functions, of course he still BREATHES, and me, I am back to being a basketcase. What is wrong with me???

I feel like he needs me to be rooting for him at all times. He still needs to be mothered, he hasnt showered in a week. Seriously. He has this thing about showering. When he was high on coke and weed and pills and alcohol all the time, I thought it was like normal drug addict behavior. Then after he got into rehab, he still wasn't showering, so I thought it was because he was so severely depressed. After a few weeks, and adjustments to his meds, and getting rid of the toxic girlfriend, I blamed it on laziness. He has a new girlfirend, I mean, who will kiss a guy who hasnt showered or brushed his teeth in over a week?

Is this normal recovery behavior? Or as usual is the prince unique in his battles???? Or is this just something else I need to let go of??

Bloodlines and other fun stuff.....

Good afternoon all. I don't know about where you are, but here in NY it is a beautiful, sunny, perfect September day. I hate that I am at work and not outside somewhere enjoying it.

Bowling, was great. I had so much fun. I laughed and wore horrible neon tri color rental shoes that countless others have worn. I laughed, and I could breathe. I should mention, that I am not a good bowler. Not by a long shot, but apparently it is good to have a lousy bowler on your team cause it gives you a better handicap or something like that. I will learn more about these bowling rules and words as I go along. I am a research freak and a perfectionist.

I went out Saturday and bought some bowling shoes. If I had a clue how to post a pic, I would gladly share them with you, but, alas, I have no idea how to do that.

I have so much I want to share today, since I haven't posted in a few days but am working on a project with a deadline, so I will have to be brief.

So. Ok, the prince. Does it make me a really really bad mother that I actually can not completely wait for him to grow up and move out of my house? Things are status quo right now. Not a bad thing. But he just manipulates me and when I call him on it he gets such a freaking attitude and talks to me like I am a piece of poop. I am just so over it. He has this complete sense of entitlement that I can not comprehend. He actually started pulling the "It is my fault he is in rehab" bit again this weekend. Yes, Prince Charming, I apologize for marrying and procreating (not necessarily in that order) with a man before getting his complete genetic makeup and family history and mixing his alcoholic tainted blood with the bloodline of my alcoholic family, however, I did NOT put the coke up your nose and make you snort it, or hock my jewelry to support your habit and pretty much stop going to school. These were your choices. Your options. And you know what? I still don't feel he is getting clean for the right reason. When we further discussed his dirty urine, his response was that it was "Just Weed". I can not tell you how that statement makes my blood boil. He was like, at least I didn't relapse on blow, be glad I didn't "rail some lines". I'm thinking, oh my little prince, you should be glad I don't beat you where you stand........

And today is another day

I think I am finally getting this. I can't control his behavior or his choices or his disease. It is not my fault. (note to self: keep repeating until you believe it)

I didn't tell his father yet and I didn't discuss the dirty urine with him at length except for the conversation we had on the phone. He smoked on the cruise, said he knew he f-ed up, and that obviously he cant be around it he isn't strong enough.

I am proud of him for "owning" this. I spoke to his counselor this morning and we just keep moving forward. One step forward, two steps back.

Oh. And I joined a bowling team ( can you say Pathetic Loser?) , I know it is so circa 1957, but it is for me. I am doing something just for me.

I am breathing.

And I spoke too soon.....

The prince just called me.

He had a dirty urine. He smoked weed on the cruise.

I cant breathe.

It just never F-ing ends.

Back to School, Back to work, Back to Reality....

Well I am back at work after a nice long four day weekend. My little guy started back to school this morning, and the prince is back in his program after a week off. I'm tired. Still have insomnia. Bad insomnia.

I let the prince go to the game Friday and it all worked out well. He had a great time. I told him when he got home that he didn't really have permission but that I felt he deserved it and he said Thank you. Wow.

Saturday night I took him and the girlfriend to the movies. And guess who was at the movies? One of the Jets. The quarterback. Pennington or something like that. He was really nice and shook hands with my boys and gave them an autograph. We laughed all weekend about how the football guy was stalking my son.

Since we had a long weekend, I had wanted to take the boys to the Renaissance Faire up at Sterling Forest in Tuxedo NY. We had been there a few years ago and I remember the kids really liking it and enjoying themselves. When I suggested to them that we go again, the prince responded with, "Oh, yeah, the place where you wouldn't let me get the baby dragons (actually little lizards)." I couldn't believe it, apparently he has been keeping a mental inventory of all the times he feels I wronged him and he thinks I should be making amends to him. Me, cause I'm such a bad mother. All of these leading him into his addiction.

Well, we went, of course the girlfriend came with us and yes, of course I gave in and bought the damn lizards. When we got home that night he was like the long lost little boy that I haven't seen in so long. He was busy with his brother setting up the tank for the lizards. He was talking to them in the sweetest most gentle voice I have ever heard him use, he was calling them, buddy, like, "Come here buddy, I wont hurt you." It just made me feel so warm and happy. He was like his old self.

Today he went back to the program. The bus was late and he was getting very anxious and complaining about how much he hates it and how he wants OUT OF THERE by January. I didn't want to argue or start a fight, so I just kept saying, then he should really start working towards that, that I thought it was good he had a goal. I heard from his psychiatrist this morning and she wants me to give him his meds even earlier at night cause he is still very lethargic. Otherwise, she is going to lower his dosage. I think that is a mistake. But I am not a professional, so what do I know.

So, all in all the prince is doing well. At least for the moment. His father, the AH, on the other hand is useless. He supposedly works overtime on the weekends. But every single Saturday morning when he gets up, you can smell the alcohol seeping out of his pores, his room smells, he actually leaves a trail of eau de vodka. So Saturday I was going to take my little guy out for Japanese before I took the prince and the GF to the movies. AH was home with them all day Friday and Friday night until I got home. He slept until noon, took them to Wendys for lunch and gave my little guy mac n cheese for dinner. They never left the house. Anyway, I was leaving for Japanese and he gave me an attitude, asking why he wasn't invited for Japanese. I said someone needed to stay home with the prince since he doesn't like Japanese and I like to try to spend some alone time with the little one. He replied that he had to stay home the day before with them, I said since he felt that way, maybe HE should have taken my little guy for Sushi the night before..... he had no comment but told me to get home ASAP as he had to get to work. Yeah. Right.

So we are eating our sushi, having a nice time and he calls my cell and asks how long we will be, and I say soon, he says, good, cause my brother just called him and invited him to go play cards and he wasn't going to work. Nice.

When we got home from the movies, we had lost power from the storm. I called him and told him and you think he might have come home, but of course he did not. He didn't show up till I called him at my brothers at noon the next day telling him had to get home because I had to get the little one to a birthday party. Again, when he got hime the smell of alcohol was so strong it made me nauseous. He said they stayed up until 6 am playing cards. I know some of the people there are known coke users/abusers. Its just sad he doesn't get it. Really sad.

PS- I want to thank you all for all of your incredible comments and support. I can not tell you how much it means to me and how much it helps me, especially from those of you who have been or are in my position.

Rain on my parade

I stayed up all night hoping the rain will come tonight and rain out the football game so I wouldnt have to worry about it, but apparently they do not rain out football games. So, I was forced to make a decision.

As conflicted as I feel, I have decided to let him go to the game. I hope it does not come back to bite me in the behind. I didnt even tell him yet that his request was denied. I will discuss it with him tomorrow. I am going to take it as an opportunity to explain to him how very proud I am of him for getting clean. I am also going to tell him how he needs to start taking the program a little more serious, and that just because he is there in body he must also be there in mind.

Wish me luck.

So what do I do now?

The prince started his program on or about April 16th. The two months before that he spent a week in a psych hospital and then did their outpatient program for about a month, went back to HS for a week or so and then back into the outpatient program at the hospital until I could get him into the program he is in now. So, essentially, he has been on lockdown since February 19th. He was allowed out for an hour or two once, maybe twice a week while I was trying to get him in the program he is in now. Since the program he has been supervised 24/7 with the exception of the few hours on the night when he took off a few weeks ago. And, thankfully he did not use that night. In order for him to do anything, meaning, in order for him to have someone come over, etc. He needs to write a written request. He is 17 years old. On the one hand it breaks my heart because he is almost a man and he is being treated like a child. On the other hand he has made some decisions that led him into full addiction and he needs to rehabilitated and I still do not believe he is there yet.

But honestly, it has amazed me since day one that he has been so cooperative. I mean, seriously, what other teenager will stay in the house 24/7 for the better part of 6 months, the summer leading into senior year, without an argument? So anyway, his girlfriend and her family have season tickets for the Jets, and they invited him to a preseason game. Her aunt will be taking them, and she is retired NYPD, doesn't smoke or drink and knows completely of his situation and I feel comfortable letting him go with them.

He wrote his request yesterday, and then he had a bit of an attitude at the program, because he wasn't participating and was falling asleep, he claimed to not be feeling well, and he called his grandmother to come home. Today they were going to a water park and he didn't want to go and I let him stay home with his grandmother. He is not into water parks or rides and honestly, I am happy to be saving the cost of the trip plus the days expense for the program. The well is running a bit dry.

I spoke to our family counselor a few minutes ago and they are denying his request. I am stunned. Baffled. They said because he had an attitude yesterday. I'm sorry, but this just seems to be a little punitive to me. He has not been a model patient, that I am sure, but he goes willing, participates to the best of his ability and he is still clean, and still going. I have been getting a bad vive the last few days that he is trying to get out. Alot of kids got thrown out while we were on vacation for any number of reasons, and it turns out a few parents pulled their kids out this week, apparently alot of the parents use the program as a summer babysitting service to keep their kids relatively under control. Kind of like, well if you do this over the summer, you can go back to HS in September. So I think he has it in his head that he can leave soon. I mean WTF??? What is wrong with these parents? These kids need more than 60 days outpatient treatment to get their lives back in order. It is my belief that adolescent addiction needs to be treated different that adult addiction. Clearly I am no professional, but I know they need to get to the underlying problems and deal with that because I think a lot of these kids self medicate and then the disease kicks in.

So what do I do? Do I let him go against their wishes? If I don't let him go, he will surely go off the wall. He will freak out and probably take off and I just cant deal with that again right now. I know that is probably just more of my co-dependent behavior, but honestly, he is looking so forward to it. I was excited for him, I am now just sick to my stomach. I don't know what to do.

Co-dependent??? Me?????

I received the most enlightening comments from Alcoholic Brain on my post of August 9th. I don't know how many thousands of dollars I have spent and the countless hours in therapy, but one comment from a fellow blogger, and I was knocked out!! Co-dependent? Me?? Wow. I mean seriously. Shouldn't I have picked up on this by now??

Sometimes I guess it takes an outsider to point out the obvious I guess. I have been so busy trying to save everyone around me, that I tend to lose myself in the process. I have had a miserable marriage pretty much from day one. I don't love the man any longer and I haven't in a very long time. I often question whether or not I ever did. I don't need him necessarily finacially any more, I have a better job and make more money. He has lost his ambition years ago and has pretty much remained stagnant in his job for the last 17 years. I guess that is part of his disease. It is coming out more and more in the princes therapy that his father and his drinking are a huge part of his problem. My own therapist, who has known AH for years as we all went to him for family therapy when the prince began his problems, at one point asked that AH not come back to family therapy as he didn't participate, he was difficult and was not helping matters. He also questions me on a regular basis as to why I am still with him, and refers to him as a cancer. Like as in, if I surgically remove the cancer from my life, it will hurt and it will leave a scar but I will heal and be well again.

We have separate bedrooms. We have not been intimate in I can not tell you how long. But we don't fight a lot, and for the most part we try to function as a family. While we were on the cruise, I tried to talk to him about his drinking, and the problems it causes and he turned it around and blamed me and said I don't sleep with him, blah blah blah, and that he wouldn't stop drinking but he would control it. Yeah. Right. He is also lazy. And selfish. Our lawn is so overgrown it is embarrassing. The neighbors are commenting. He said he was "letting it grow out". If it isn't done by the weekend, I am hiring a service. He tends to oversleep in the mornings. Guess drinking a bottle of vodka alone in bed at night tends to make you sleepy in the mornings, and the prince gets picked up at 730 and I leave right after that. Last week, I realized he was still home when we were leaving, and he should be on the train by 545 if he wants to make it to work on time at 7 a.m. So I woke him up and he got up and acted like he was leaving right after us. My neighbor told me he was home until at least 11. Now, I'm not unreasonable, but I don't think it is right to go to work late at your convenience, when I am running my ass back and forth every day, getting in late for work, and leaving a bit early, and working at home at night to make up for it so I can get the prince and my little guy off to their programs and be home early enough to get there when they do. I am exhausted. And it just pisses me off that I deal with everything. He has needed a car for months. More than months. But again, he is too lazy to deal with looking for one. He finally finds one last week and he tells me on Monday, that he is nervous it will be gone when he goes back for it so he is thinking of leaving work early to go get it. I'm like.... Are you F-ing kidding me????? You cant leave early to get your kids, but you can leave early to get a car???? I just walked away.

I could go on for page and pages about this, but it is actually starting to give me anxiety. So co-dependent. Huh. Who knew there was an actual word for it. I thought I was just weak and stupid.

Bad Blogger

I am a bad blogger and that bothers me because I really get a lot of pleasure out of it and I find it helps me to organize all of the troublesome thoughts that bog down my barely functioning brain. This first thing I do in the morning when I sign on to my computer at work is read all of the blogs I follow (can you say "theft of service"?? LOL) When a fellow blogger leaves me a comment they are usually very insightful and helpful and I feel like a part of something and that maybe someone out there does care.

I am feeling incredibly sleep deprived. I have started taking antidepressants a few weeks ago, and although they are starting to help with some of the anxiety, I still can not sleep. I still wake up in a complete panic every night at around 3 am and can not clear my mind and fall back to sleep. This has been going on for weeks and weeks and it is really starting to show.

The prince has been doing well. We went on a cruise out of San Juan a few weeks ago. I was a nervous wreck about the possibility of him getting his hands on some alcohol or worse. I was quite pleased when we boarded the ship to see a sign stating that as of July 31st you had to be 21 to drink on board with proper id at all times. This brought me tremendous relief as it was damn near impossible for the kid to get his hands on anything. It was the first bit of freedom he has had since starting his program. He checked in just abut every two hours and I believe he was sober the entire trip. The last night he may have managed to get his hands on some alcohol but I wisely went to bed before he did so I don't know for sure. I couldn't deal with any drama. I know that is a bad thing, but it was a great relaxing week and I didn't want to ruin it.

Who knows?

The evening of my last post was a mess. I picked him up from the bus and he immediately started badgering me about seeing the girlfriend. I told him it wasn't going to happen for a few days and he needs to stop asking and to start focusing on his program and his desire to stay sober, and stop concerning himself with the girlfriend right now. Then he started pissing and moaning about wanting his internet back. I could see he was getting riled up and I knew that it was going to be a wild bad night with him so I called my parents and had them come pick up my younger son as I can not subject him to another night of hell. Then I called my shrink and begged him to see me that it was an emergency. There was some drama between the prince and his father. Like I said, he was in a bad mood and looking to fight. His girlfriend pulls up to the house with some friends and the prince walks over to the car and talks to them for a minute and then walks back to the house with a white paper bag in his hands. We were sitting on the porch and asked to see what was in the bag. He knows this is the protocol. He got snippy and had a nasty sneer on his face and said it was Georgi Vodka, but he wouldn't show it to us. Now his Dad gets up and blocks his way into the house and wont let him pass till he gives up the bag. They are in each others faces and kind of chest butting each other and both of them are screaming to me to call the cops because they each felt the other was assaulting them. Finally his Dad knocks the bag out of his hand to the ground and out pops an ice cream sundae from Coldstone. I mean, WTF, why couldn't he just tell us that? So much drama.....

So my parents are now hysterical, they want me and my younger son out of the house and they take the little one and my mom comes with me to the shrink and I was going to drive her home afterwards and then go home after I cooled down. I have barely driven down the block when my cell rings and it is the prince screaming at me, demanding to know why I left him home alone with his father. I said I was going to see my therapist and I would be home in an hour or so. He got belligerent and didn't believe me because he saw my mom get in my car. He thought I was leaving. So 5 minutes later my husband calls me and says the prince packed a bag and took off. Just F-ing great. So I told him he needed to call the police and report him and then to call his father to help buffer if they bring him home that I couldn't deal another minute and F it, I was going home with my mom and was going to sleep there with my little guy.

I went to the shrink and discussed my options as to what I could do if he didn't come home and how I could get him back into his program if he refused and as always he was great and gave me solid advice. I went back to my parents house and called his program and let them know he took off again and that we filed a report with the police.

A few hours later, the prince called me and told me he was "safe", and that he would be home sometime the next day. No f-ing way was I going down that road again, so I told him that was completely unacceptable and his options were limited. He could go home right now or he call his grandfather to pick him up and he could stay there over night or he would be setting something into motion that would end up unpleasant for all of us, meaning I call the PO the next morning, pushed he PINS into place and he goes before a judge and risks being sent to residential. He told me he would think about it. He sounded sober. (thank god)

Another few hours pass and he calls me back saying his grandfather is picking him and he will spend the night there but that he wasn't going to the program in the morning because he was tired. I again told him, either you go or I do what I have to do. I agreed that he could go in late and that we would meet him there at around 3 for a crisis meeting.

At the meeting he was nasty and belligerent again, refusing to sign a behaviour agreement and pretty much saying he was not coming back. I was sick. He slept the whole ride home and went to his room when we got home and basically stayed there all night. I went in at around 9 to give him his meds and saw he was writing his essay. A good sign. Means he was going back.

It was a long week or two. He started up with the emotional blackmail again, telling me if he didn't get his internet back he would relapse again. I refused to give in to it. I refuse to accept responsibility for his sobriety any longer. I cant make him not use.

On a positive note, his drug screens were clean, so at least when he took off he didn't use. I really thought he would. He seems to be back on track again. Calming down and accepting that he is back on grounding. He gives me attitude but in smaller doses and I am trying to not let it send me over the edge. Last week I thought I was having a breakdown. For real. Serious scary anxiety attacks that were crippling me. I called my regular MD and he managed to fit me in. He put me on some antidepressants which I have been resisting for months. But I think it is starting to help. He also prescribed a xanax type of pill that I can take if it is really bad, but again, Im a little afraid to take that.

Thanks for all of the words of encouragement and I appreciate any advice or thoughts any one out there has.....

Peace to you and yours.

Relapse......

So after almost 15 weeks of sobriebty and clean time, the prince had his first, well at least the first that I am aware of, slip. As of Friday afternoon he had finally earned and maintained enough points for 5 consecutive weeks, to achieve modified curfew. He was to write a 750 word essay over the weekend, and today, Monday at the "points meeting" at his program, he would have presented his essay and claimed his points and then after a discussion between our family therapist and myself, he would have been given modified curfew status. Meaning, that he would be allowed to leave the house unsupervised each day from 4:30 to 6:30 p.m., he would have been given back access to the internet and he would be allowed out all day on Saturday and for a few hours on Friday or Saturday night. I was anxious about the idea of it, but also a little releived. We have all been on house arrest for the last 15 weeks. I was nervous about him being allowed back into the real world, not quite sure that I felt secure enough with his sobriety or his desire to stay clean to trust it. Alas, it dodnt matter because on Friday night, he fucked up.

It was my best friends birthday and I had plans to meet her for dinner. AH was to stay home with the boys and I would go to dinner. He of couse gave me a hard time cause he had to work overtime on Friday but I gave him enough notice and I refused to cancel my plans. Im on the verge of a breakdown here and I really just needed a night out with the girls. I told him I would get home as early as I could but not to expect me before 11. When I got home the bathroom was a mess and smelled like vomit. THe prince told me his friend was over with our permission, and that he was "lactose intolerant" and had vomitted. Yeah right. And maybe he has a bridge he could sell me as well. AH, actually believed the story, but hey, hes a drunk himself so I guess he believes the lies easier than I do. So I told my son, if that is the case you will have no problem with me checking your room, and I did. I found his clothes shoved in the clothes caked with vomit. Bam. Busted, so he said, ok, I was the one that threw up but I dont know why and I swea I wasnt drinking. Right. So, I continued my search, and sure enough I found a giant empty beer bottle. Ba-bam.

So I said look, Im not going to fight, just go to bed and we will deal with it at the program on Monday. He went ballistic. F-ing psycho crazy. Punching walls, flipping out, etc. He knew his shot at modified curfew just got knocked back 5 or 6 weeks. He completely flipped. Woke up my younger son who started crying hysterically, all of the drama really effects him. Then he said he was leaving. And he took off, I told him if he took one step off of the porch, I would be on the phone with 911 and that I had still had a PINS petition in place and that the right thing to do was to just calm down and go to bed. He wasnt having it. So, he bolted. And I called 911 and then his program. So the police were fantastic, that found him within 20 mins, picked him up and brought him home. He was beligerant and nasty and horrible to the cops. Unbelieveable. I mean where didthis kid come from? I would never, never in all of my life speak to someone they way he treated the police and us. So the drama continued for a few hours, the cops tore his room apart and found more empties. There was no sign of any drugs at least. He threatened all night to leave so no one got any sleep that night.

Saturday when he woke up he was slightly humble but adamant that he was not going to go back to rehab. No way no how. I said if he didnt go back I would go to court and follow through with the PINS and he would end up being sent away. He said he would take off and run away and we would never see him again if we did that. I said at 17 you no longer run away, you emancipate and move out. I am tired of the threats. I tried to reinforce all of the good work he did over the last 15 weeks, that one night doesnt erase that and spiraling back into his old behavior was not the solution. I kept telling him that we still love him and that this is a slip and that he just needed to get back up, get back into the program and take his lumps and get back to work.

Somehow he agreed. I spoke to his program early this morning, there will be a response given to him, either rule writing or an essay or both. He will lose all points for last week and modified curfew is now at a minimum of 5 weeks away. He is not going to be a happy camper. I can not stand the idea of him being manipulative and trying to bully me into getting his way. I had been a little leniant the last week or two and allowed his girlfirend to come over and another friend of theirs even though I wasnt supposed to. I am very torn. Keeping a 17 year old man-boy looked up 24/7 for the last 4 months is necessary to keep him clean, but also, in his mind it is a prison sentence and I need to keep the peace in the house as well. So I dont know what to do now. He was already telling me he wants to see the GF today and I know they will not grant him permission to do anything for the next week or two. So if I follow the rules to the T, I rish another outbreak and him bolting, but he also needs to know there are rules and consequences and I just dont know what to do anymore. Seriously. I am drained.

And I am sad and lonely. I know intellectually that it could be so much worse. But right now, it just sucks to be me.

Any comments??

Dare I feel hopeful??

Just found out that the prince has passed his Math Regents!! With a 67. He only needed a 55 to pass it. He has literally been stoned or drunk for at least the last two years. I think this is the first test he has ever passed. He was kind of like, yeah, whatever, I don't care if I pass or fail it. I wish he would show just a little excitement or enthusiasm about it. Not the total I just don't give a F attitude.

Ten weeks clean and passing a regents test without cheating at all. Could things really be changing? Do I dare let me guard down for even 5 minutes and believe he is going to get better, stay sober, and maybe even stop cutting up his beautiful body? Is it just too much to hope for and believe?

Or true to nature of the rest of my life is there some new evil horrible thing just lurking around the corner to quash this brief moment of joy that I am almost feeling?????

Rounding the corner at 10 weeks.......

Tomorrow will be 10 weeks clean for the prince. I am so proud and so torn and so frightend. My therapist tells me I am suffering from a really bad case of the what-ifs. The program he is in seems to be working. I dont know how or why, but it is working. He does not give me a hard time about going. He is still on "house arrest", and is not allowed to go out of the house yet. He is still have alot of problems with his lack of coping skills. Now, since he cant go out and get wasted and drunk, he has started cutting. Self mutilation. Is there no end? He started on the arm, a bunch of supperficial cuts, and then when I found out, he moved to his upper thigh. I have not seen the cuts first hand, but I see the blood stains on his boxers and shorts occasionally. I am not sure how to handle it. I let his therapist know it is still going on, and I let him know that I am aware that he is still doing it. I dont make a big deal, I just tell him that I know he is still doing it, and that it scares me and I wish so much he would stop and would utilize some of the great support system that is available to him at home and in his program. I do not want to bring too much attention to it because part of me feels that he is still very much like the little 14 year boy who he has locked deep within himself with drugs and alcohol abuse. I feel like he so badly wants my attention and still doesnt know how to reach out and ask for it, so I acknowledge, show concern and fear, offer to talk about it and then I let it go.

The girlfriend or exgirfriend is still in and out of the picture.She is toxic to him. She wants him, then she doesnt want him. Back and forth, off and on. She tortures him and drives him crazy. She knows he can not leave the house and that she can only come over if he writes a written request to his program. So he writes it, they make plans, he prepares all day and then she blows him off to go out and get drunk. Then she calls him drunk and crying. If I could reach through the phone lines and choke thislittle b*tch, I would. But this goes back to his lack of coping skills and his inablility to make positive choices in his life. It just breaks my heart.

But, alas. Tomorrow, TEN WEEKS CLEAN!!!!! I can only pray that he will embrace this forever and not just to get out of the program.

Good Afternoon Blogworld. Its been awhile and things are looking somewhat less bleek than normal. The prince is improving, has 5 weeks clean under his belt. I am so so very proud of him. But there is a lot of work to be done still. Now the tough stuff begins. Hit a small roadblock this morning, one that left me in tears after speaking to his HS. They want him to return to the HS to sit for his regents exams. WTF?? He doesnt have enough time under his belt. He needs to get stronger, develpo coping skills. I am so frustrated. The following letter that I emailed to his high school will sum it up for anyone who may or may not be reading this or care about it.

Dear Mr. *****:

My son, Prince Charming, was a student in the ***** Alternative High School until April of this year. At some point during the last few years, my son developed a substance abuse problem. In February 2006 I admitted him to **** Hospital for detoxification and evaluation as an inpatient for 8 days. He was released into the adolescent partial day treatment program where he attended 5 days a week for approximately 4 weeks. **** is only a short term treatment center and works only as a “band-aid” and it was determined that my son was in need of a more comprehensive, year round treatment of his substance abuse. However, admission to any rehabilitation program is voluntary, and while we went through the process of obtaining a PINS petition to mandate his admittance to a better suited program, he returned to the High School. Within days of his return to the High School, he returned to his drug and alcohol abusing circle of friends, was truant from school, relapsed and began using drugs again and was subsequently suspended for 5 days. I was able to convince him to return to **** partial day program again, and the counselors in the program there were able to convince him to voluntarily admit himself to C.H. Adolescent Day Treatment Center at GC Hospital.

He was accepted and began the program on April 26, 2006. It is a very stringent program and difficult to manage as a family. He has to abstain from drugs and alcohol, he is not allowed any contact with any of his former friends, nor is he is allowed visitors or to leave the house. He has been sober for only 5 weeks. He is still extremely fragile and susceptible and is still learning to deal with his depression and urges to use drugs. He is not yet able to identify “triggers” and how to effectively deal with situations that in the past he dealt with by self-medicating by drug abuse.

My son receives his education through BOCES at CH. However he will have to take his Regents exams at his home District. My son is scheduled to sit for his regents exams back in the High School as follows:

US History June 20th 12:00
Math A June 15th 12:00
Biology June 21st 8:00

It is my absolute opinion that if my son were to return to the High School for even a short period of time to sit for his regent exams, he would be in a position that he would have access to procure and/or use drugs or alcohol. While I appreciate that the school is not a correctional or rehabilitation facility, and I am aware that my son has made choices that have lead us to this place, I know that it is simply too soon for him to be in that environment. He has not yet been in a social setting with any of his peers or friends since he has been drug free, as a direct result of the rules of his program. I believe he is still too fragile and vulnerable to handle that. I feel that it would be detrimental to his health and well being and could set him back from all that he has accomplished since his admission to CH.

I am requesting that accommodations be made for my son to be able to sit for the Regents exam at a location other than the High School, either at home under my supervision with a proctor present, or at the public library or at CH. I appreciate your consideration of this matter and look forward to your reply.

Please feel free to contact me if you wish to discuss this further.

I mean... c'mon..... Am I seriously asking too much???????

The mistakes I've made

It has been a while since I have last posted, exactly a month I think. Not that anyone seems to care or read this but I have to remember I am doing this for me. The prince has been in his new day treatment program for 3 weeks now. The program usually lasts anywhere from 9-14 months to complete. My hope is that he will stay in it until June 2007 and will graduate High School from there. He is doing well. Seems to be clean for the last few weeks. He looks good, his eyes are clear, and I forgot how beautiful they are. His appetite is amazing and I think he has gained back most of the 30-40 lbs he lost while he was getting high.

Its a tough program for the family to manage. He isnt allowed out. He isnt allowed any visitors. No internet or instant messaging. He has to wear shirts with a collar on them, no hats, hoodies, overly baggie jeans or white sneakers. He is not allowed to speak to or have any contact with any of his drug using friends, which is all of his friends. He gets really sad and moody and depressed. More often than not when I get hoe from work, he is laying in bed curled into a fetal position depressed and asleep. My maternal instinct is to do something to take away his pain. But the new me has learned that he must learn how to deal with and actually FEEL his feelings and emotions without the aid of mind altering substances or alcohol. It is so easy to believe he is cured and better now and to let him back into the world. It seems like a distant memory how horrible and scary our lives were just 4 short weeks ago. I have to remind myself and him that it took years to get to this ugly place called addiction and it will take a lot longer than 3 weeks to get out of it. It will be a lifetime battle. It scares me.

I have made so many mistakes as a mother and as a person. I need to find the stregnth to break the cycle and start taking steps to make these things right again and to not repeat them.

My Life has become a Lifetime movie

I let the prince go out for two hours on Friday night and he came home as high as a kite. His eyes were two bloodshot little slits and his attitude and mannerisms were right back to his old ways. I was actually too physically and emotionally drained to deal with it, as I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown. So I packed an overnight bag and left him with his father and took off to my parents house.

I know it wasn't the adult mature responsible way to handle the situation, but I honestly do not know how much more I can take. So I left and had another breakdown at my parents house and went to sleep and actually slept straight through the night and halfway into Saturday afternoon. Then I went to see my old therapist. He reinforced that I was doing the right thing and we started working on my future life goals. We dont do the lets go back and rehash your childhood thing. I actually had a relatively pleasant and normal childhood. My mom and I then took the kids to one of those Jillians places where they could play video games and such for an hour or two.

Sunday the prince started working. My neighbor is a chef and he hired him at his restaurant/pizzeria as a bus boy. He was a little nervous and excited, I was so nervous for him. I made the mistake (Or was it not a mistake? I just don't know anymore) of going through his room and jacket after I dropped off at work. I found a bag of pot in his jacket, rolling papers and my mothers Macy's credit card in his desk drawer. Nice. Real F-ing nice. Does it ever end???

I was a physical mess all day. My mom called Macy's and thankfully there had been no charges on the account. My husband was working OT as usual yesterday, and he was home later than necessary. I suspected he would be intoxicated when he got home. Fun keeps on coming. So I picked up the Prince and confronted him about the credit card and the weed that I flushed down the toilet. His response about the card was that he used to chop up and snort a vicodan last time he was at my parents and he forgot he had it. I almost believe him. I almost wish he was planning on a shopping spree. I told him to go upstairs and disconnect his internet or I would go up and cut the wire. He said, go ahead, I don't care, so I calmly grabbed a scissor, walked up the stairs and snipped it. He then proceeded to tell me how much he hates my guts and I told that I hate him just as much, I know, very mature.

At this point his drunken father goes running up there screaming at him, antagonizing him to take a swing at him so he could call the cops and have him arrested. I know getting the cops involved or him running away will speed up the PINS and the court process, but I don't think it is fair to provoke the kid. I had to get myself in between them, all 115 llbs of myself, and although I got tossed around a bit I managed to keep them from killing each other but my son started to try to bolt and run off. I wouldn't let him, I wrapped myself around him and begged him to stay, I don't think him hitting the streets and getting drunk and high would help anything. Then he screamed to his dad that he could smell the alcohol coming off of him and that he was a drunken alcoholic, and this set his dad off again, but then I told him he had to go, had to leave until he was calm. My poor 10 year old was screaming and crying through all of this. I was able to get my son back into the house and I was trying to make him let me hold him and I finally got him calm enough to sit and talk for awhile

This morning we had an intake appointment at a long term day treatment program for substance abusing teens. Our goal has been to get him to go in voluntarily and to avoid the court ordering it. Well, that is my goal anyway. Its a hard core, strict as all h*ll program. If he commits to it I think it will help. He miraculously agreed to go. He said he wants to be the one in control. The program is anywhere from 8 months to the high achievers to 14 months for the others. In 14 months he will be 18. It is my wish that he spend the next 14 months in there and graduate HS from there, and never ever set foot in the High School again. He said he plans on finishing the program by September and attending the HS for his senior year. I'm not going to argue at this point, as long as he will go, I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

We will have to have another pych eval later in the week and then they will meet and discuss his plan and then he will start there. He is still currently attending the partial program at the other place so at least he is off the streets and out of the HS for the next week or two. I need this program to work. I am running out of time and out of options. I am torn, part of me thinks he knows how deep in he is and wants help, and part of me thinks he is so deep in that he just manipulates me and knows how to work the system here. Its strange. I mean he will snort any kind of drug he can get his hands on but he always meets curfew. Such mixed signals. I still feel like the tug of war is skewed just slightly enough in my direction that I can pull him back. Or maybe I'm just totally dellusional.

Its time to let go

Dear "Phil":

It is with great sadness that I write this letter. You were my first love. But I was just too young and you were just so intense that it was just more than I could bear at the time. So we took a "break" so I could get my head together and grow up a little and maybe see other people. And then I met K. And I was young and a little wild and I drank a little too much and six months after I was seeing him I found myself pregnant. I decided to marry him. Young and dumb, young and dumb baby.

I know it devastated you and I know how much you hated me but I still always loved you deep in my heart somewhere but I did what I thought was the right thing to do. Sadly, hindsight doesn't happen till much later. We still had a lot of the same friends and saw each other at parties or at a club or a concert or at a bar, and eventually we started talking again. You told me you still loved me and I denied having any feelings for you, I honestly wasn't sure what I felt. I know, I just thought I had time.

When I got married and had the baby, it was like I was playing house, perfect baby, pretty wife, handsome husband who worked long hours to keep me with the pretty things I liked and a pretty little apartment. But it was never "right". I knew it but I also felt just so stuck and hoped it would get better. It never did. It just got worse and worse. So I had another baby 6 years later. And I went to work full time and I bought a house and settled into my life and accepted it for what it was. I didn't go out so much anymore and our circle of friends changed and I didn't see you anymore and I guess I just didn't think about it much.

And then one day out of the blue, you found out where I worked and called me. I was shocked, I didn't know what to think and you were sad and didn't sound well, but you didn't ask to see me you were just checking in and made a comment like I'll talk to you in another 10 years. I left it at that. But the call put me off. And then shortly after that I sold my house and was moving into another one and oh, yeah, I had my first affair. I'm not proud of it, but I was miserable and sad and lonely and wanted, needed, craved love and affection. And I came across your email address and I emailed you.

You had moved on. Finally. You found happiness. You finally found the girl that you were going to be with. You were buying a house with her and you were raising her child. Things were going well with your job. I was happy for you. But sad for me. We kind of sort of stayed in touch in the last four years. It always bothered me that we couldn't remain friends. You are the only person in the world that I was ever really able to talk to and be open with and be myself and it always came so easy for us and I know you felt the same way and even though our conversations were far and few between it was always like I just saw you yesterday.

Well two failed affairs later, one absolutely heartbreaking, the marriage long dead in life, but still there on paper I have more miserable than ever. And I guess I started pushing a little harder and you would be like it isn't right that I speak to you, and even though you aren't thrilled in the marriage, you are in it for the long run or at least the immediate future although you sometimes wanted me to think otherwise. So then I would pull back and get it out of my head and forget about it and understand that the friendship just doesn't work for us, then you call out of the blue and want to start it up again. And I said no, you aren't my friend. You are someone from my past that calls when you need to talk and you have no one else to turn too. I cant do that anymore, because you aren't there for me and I am tired of being dumped on by people who say they are my friends. It hurts too much and I have more than enough pain in my life. And you are all indignant and sad and insist that I take it back and that we are friends and that we will always be friends and maybe someday we will be able to get to the point that we can have a drink or a dinner and blah blah blah and then I am content again, thinking that you still care enough to be my friend, and we can help each other with our various life issues even if it just on the telephone.

And then another month goes by and I don't hear from you. So I call you and you blow me off cause you are busy at work, and you ask me to call you back in ten minutes. And I'm pissed and hurt again and I don't. And another week goes by, and still nothing. So I call you again, opening with a joke, like, hey, do you have a dictionary nearby, cause I need to look up the definition of a friend for me, and explain it cause I clearly have a different definition than you do, and we laugh, and you tell how busy and stressful your life has been, you are changing jobs, and the conversation seems a little stressed, a little forced, and everytime it gets a little deep you immediately try to change it back to something light and you mention your wife quite a few times, and you clearly seem different, and then we chat for a while and you have to hang up cause you are busy, I know this happens and I understand, and while we are saying goodbye I say maybe this should be our final goodbye, and you say is that what I want, and I say I know it is what you want and that your ambivalence confuses and upsets me and you say there is something that you need to tell me but you cant talk now and next week you can talk to me about it and I say I hate when you do that and you say I just cant get into now and I am like whatever and you say you will call me next week. And I say whatever again and I say goodbye and I hang up.

Why, why do I do this to myself? Am I so needy and lonely that I want what I could have had 18 years ago and it is not mine to have anymore and you have a wife and a little family and even if it isn't perfect it works for you, and I probably wouldn't want you if I had you anyway so I need to let go and I have simply got to get my life together and make a life for myself and find my way to happiness and stop mourning what I cant have.

So I need to say goodbye now my old friend. I need to have the stregnth to not pick up if you actually call next week and nopt to call you if you don't call. The writing is on the wall and I need to read it and get well.

It was nice, you were my first love and my best friend, its too bad it didn't happen later when we were both ready for it. But I wish you luck and I wish you love and I hope you have a wonderful life.

Love, me