Dare I feel hopeful??

Just found out that the prince has passed his Math Regents!! With a 67. He only needed a 55 to pass it. He has literally been stoned or drunk for at least the last two years. I think this is the first test he has ever passed. He was kind of like, yeah, whatever, I don't care if I pass or fail it. I wish he would show just a little excitement or enthusiasm about it. Not the total I just don't give a F attitude.

Ten weeks clean and passing a regents test without cheating at all. Could things really be changing? Do I dare let me guard down for even 5 minutes and believe he is going to get better, stay sober, and maybe even stop cutting up his beautiful body? Is it just too much to hope for and believe?

Or true to nature of the rest of my life is there some new evil horrible thing just lurking around the corner to quash this brief moment of joy that I am almost feeling?????

Rounding the corner at 10 weeks.......

Tomorrow will be 10 weeks clean for the prince. I am so proud and so torn and so frightend. My therapist tells me I am suffering from a really bad case of the what-ifs. The program he is in seems to be working. I dont know how or why, but it is working. He does not give me a hard time about going. He is still on "house arrest", and is not allowed to go out of the house yet. He is still have alot of problems with his lack of coping skills. Now, since he cant go out and get wasted and drunk, he has started cutting. Self mutilation. Is there no end? He started on the arm, a bunch of supperficial cuts, and then when I found out, he moved to his upper thigh. I have not seen the cuts first hand, but I see the blood stains on his boxers and shorts occasionally. I am not sure how to handle it. I let his therapist know it is still going on, and I let him know that I am aware that he is still doing it. I dont make a big deal, I just tell him that I know he is still doing it, and that it scares me and I wish so much he would stop and would utilize some of the great support system that is available to him at home and in his program. I do not want to bring too much attention to it because part of me feels that he is still very much like the little 14 year boy who he has locked deep within himself with drugs and alcohol abuse. I feel like he so badly wants my attention and still doesnt know how to reach out and ask for it, so I acknowledge, show concern and fear, offer to talk about it and then I let it go.

The girlfriend or exgirfriend is still in and out of the picture.She is toxic to him. She wants him, then she doesnt want him. Back and forth, off and on. She tortures him and drives him crazy. She knows he can not leave the house and that she can only come over if he writes a written request to his program. So he writes it, they make plans, he prepares all day and then she blows him off to go out and get drunk. Then she calls him drunk and crying. If I could reach through the phone lines and choke thislittle b*tch, I would. But this goes back to his lack of coping skills and his inablility to make positive choices in his life. It just breaks my heart.

But, alas. Tomorrow, TEN WEEKS CLEAN!!!!! I can only pray that he will embrace this forever and not just to get out of the program.

Good Afternoon Blogworld. Its been awhile and things are looking somewhat less bleek than normal. The prince is improving, has 5 weeks clean under his belt. I am so so very proud of him. But there is a lot of work to be done still. Now the tough stuff begins. Hit a small roadblock this morning, one that left me in tears after speaking to his HS. They want him to return to the HS to sit for his regents exams. WTF?? He doesnt have enough time under his belt. He needs to get stronger, develpo coping skills. I am so frustrated. The following letter that I emailed to his high school will sum it up for anyone who may or may not be reading this or care about it.

Dear Mr. *****:

My son, Prince Charming, was a student in the ***** Alternative High School until April of this year. At some point during the last few years, my son developed a substance abuse problem. In February 2006 I admitted him to **** Hospital for detoxification and evaluation as an inpatient for 8 days. He was released into the adolescent partial day treatment program where he attended 5 days a week for approximately 4 weeks. **** is only a short term treatment center and works only as a “band-aid” and it was determined that my son was in need of a more comprehensive, year round treatment of his substance abuse. However, admission to any rehabilitation program is voluntary, and while we went through the process of obtaining a PINS petition to mandate his admittance to a better suited program, he returned to the High School. Within days of his return to the High School, he returned to his drug and alcohol abusing circle of friends, was truant from school, relapsed and began using drugs again and was subsequently suspended for 5 days. I was able to convince him to return to **** partial day program again, and the counselors in the program there were able to convince him to voluntarily admit himself to C.H. Adolescent Day Treatment Center at GC Hospital.

He was accepted and began the program on April 26, 2006. It is a very stringent program and difficult to manage as a family. He has to abstain from drugs and alcohol, he is not allowed any contact with any of his former friends, nor is he is allowed visitors or to leave the house. He has been sober for only 5 weeks. He is still extremely fragile and susceptible and is still learning to deal with his depression and urges to use drugs. He is not yet able to identify “triggers” and how to effectively deal with situations that in the past he dealt with by self-medicating by drug abuse.

My son receives his education through BOCES at CH. However he will have to take his Regents exams at his home District. My son is scheduled to sit for his regents exams back in the High School as follows:

US History June 20th 12:00
Math A June 15th 12:00
Biology June 21st 8:00

It is my absolute opinion that if my son were to return to the High School for even a short period of time to sit for his regent exams, he would be in a position that he would have access to procure and/or use drugs or alcohol. While I appreciate that the school is not a correctional or rehabilitation facility, and I am aware that my son has made choices that have lead us to this place, I know that it is simply too soon for him to be in that environment. He has not yet been in a social setting with any of his peers or friends since he has been drug free, as a direct result of the rules of his program. I believe he is still too fragile and vulnerable to handle that. I feel that it would be detrimental to his health and well being and could set him back from all that he has accomplished since his admission to CH.

I am requesting that accommodations be made for my son to be able to sit for the Regents exam at a location other than the High School, either at home under my supervision with a proctor present, or at the public library or at CH. I appreciate your consideration of this matter and look forward to your reply.

Please feel free to contact me if you wish to discuss this further.

I mean... c'mon..... Am I seriously asking too much???????