This can't be it

We were ready for anything... but this

2012-01-09T12:33:00.002-05:00

Yesterday was two years since my beautiful prince left this world. A mass was said in his name on Saturday evening in the same church where his requiem mass was held. I am ashamed to admit that I have not stepped foot in that church or any other since the day my son was buried. I was raised catholic and still believe in God and respect some of the laws of catechism, but if I am to be honest with myself, I have to admit it has been very difficult for me to not question and doubt the justness of the last few years of my life. That being said, it felt good to be in church, surrounded by my friends and some family and to remember the rituals of a Catholic Mass. My favorite part has always been (please forgive me if I have the terminology incorrect), when the priest lowly chants the words of consecration over the gifts while the litany is being sung. It has always been the part of mass that somewhat restores my faith.

One of my oldest and dearest friends arranged to have the mass said. After we received communion and kneeled for the obligatory prayer, she leaned over to me and told me she also said a prayer for me and told me she was proud of me for being so strong. While I appreciated the kind words I don't know that I am any stronger than anyone else in my position, but I know I am just trying to survive.

So much has changed in these last two years, and so much is still so very much the same. I miss him so very much. I feel as though there is something I should be doing or should have been doing to make some kind of difference in this world. In his name. Yet, I know in and around the area where I live, the prescription drug abuse is spiraling at all time highs. There have been frequent pharmacy hold ups for oxys, many of them resulting in shoot outs and deaths of innocent people who happened to be in the wrong time at the wrong place. I do not live in a city or even very close to the city, I live in suburbia. In my humble opinion, there needs to be something done about the Oxycotin. Take it off the market. Or have it only available in a clinic type setting. I have thankfully never had pain so terrible that I needed opiates to treat it, but I have suffered the pain of losing a child to an opiate overdose. If this drug is so dreadfully addicting, that paople become so desperate for it that they are willing to walk into a family drugstore in the middle of the afternoon, on a busy street and kill for it, well then, this to me is problematic.

Thank you silence...

2011-11-22T15:17:00.004-05:00

Thanksgiving is rapidly approaching and officially kicking off the holiday season. I know from reading others blogs that the holiday season, when you are the parent (brother/sister/spouse/grandparent) of an addict, that the holidays are often filled with trepidation. Will they show up high? Will they show up at all? Will pieces of the good silver go missing? Will there be a blowout and a scene? The negative possibilites are endless when there is an addict in your life.

Remarkably, when the Prince was alive, our holidays were without drama. The 2009 holiday season preceeded his death by mere weeks. In hindsight, I can remember him being quieter than usual, and looking at the pictures from that late fall/early winter, you can see the difference in his eyes. The dark circles around them.

I do not know what it is like to celebrate a holiday while my child is incarcerated, or in a rehab. I only know what it is like to have the perpetual empty seat at my holiday table, the seat where my Prince once sat. The seat that he will never sit in again. The empty seats in the future where his wife and my grandchildren should have sat. It is so easy to dwell on the pain and the loss. I still have moments daily that take my breath away with the realization that he is really and truly dead.

As the weather turns slowly in the fall, and the holidays approach, I fantasize about not celebrating at all. I dream of getting on an airplane and laying in the warm sun and eating fresh mangos instead of roasting a turkey and certainly not preparing for the mother of all family holidays- Christmas. If I could flip the calendar from October 31st- January 9th each year I would. Its hard to be thankful and full of joy when you spend more time planning on how you will decorate your childs grave for the holidays than you think about decorating your home.

My once large family has grown smaller with each passing year, and I have lost interest in carrying on holiday traditions and. Yet,my Little Prince deserves the Mom he used to have, the Mom who painstakingly planned every detail of every holiday menu and tried her best to make everything as perfect as possible (within a perfectly flawed family that is) at each celebration.

A part of that Mom is gone forever. I can see it in my own eyes when I look in the mirror. The pain of losing a child is indescribable. And it is there, present, front and center with every breath you take. But, as I sat by my sons grave this past Sunday, where I spend most of my weekend days, it occured to me, that I have spent more time over the last 22 months at the graveside of my dead child than I have spent focusing on the precious child I still have. The living, breathing, young man who needs his mother desperatley. And it occured to me how very, very wrong and unfair that is.

It would be easy to skip the holiday... having a dead child gets you a pass on these kinds of things, but then, after much reflection, I decided to take a long hard look at myself and remember what Thanksgiving is really about. It is about being thankful for our blessings and what we have, and I realized that although my heart is broken, I am very thankful for the life of my Prince. To have had the joy of his existance for 20 years, to have been hugged and held in his strong arms, to have watched him in the process of becoming a man. They werent always good years, but I always loved him deeply and fully. I feel priviledged to have been given the honor of being his Mom, although he was taken from me too soon. And I am thankful for the realization that this life is really not all about me and my pain, that I have this other beautiful human that I brought into this world and I am equally blessed to have him.

So please take a moment on Thanksgiving and think of my Prince, and all of our addicts, and be grateful for them, wherever they may be. Allow yourself a moment to smile and remember better days, and know that you will all be in my prayers and that I am thankful for each and every blogger out there that shares their story.

When you open up your heart and the truth comes out...

2011-09-13T15:12:00.002-04:00

Many of my work associates were able to either watch my brief interview online or on television yesterday. Most all of my co-workers who were able to view it, made it a point to stop by and say a few kind words or drop me an email offering support.

I still work in the same office that I worked in when I lost my Prince. Although there are one or two new faces, everyone here knows my story. However, after watching the show yesterday, three of my co-workers came to see me at separate times during the day and each shared personal stories with me of the ways that alcohol or drug addiction has touched their lives.

One spoke of the heroin overdose which took the life of her 21 year old cousins over 30 years ago, and how her grandmother wept for that beautiful boy every day until her own death. Another came to me with tears in his eyes thanking me for having the courage to share my story so publicly, and how he goes to sleep each evening thanking God that he has lived through another day without receiving a call informing him of his own dear cousin, who has always been like a brother to him, has overdosed. Lastly, my boss's assistant came to me and spoke lovingly of her 45 year nephew who is drinking himself to death. He has already done the institutions, prisons, rehabs and what not. His pretty wife had had it and is just mere moments away from packing up their two young boys and calling it day.

It reminded me all over again that I am not alone in this battle, and I was honored that these people felt comfortable sharing their experiences with me, and thanking me for reminding them that addiction isn't a dirty secret after all and my courageousness for going public with the Princes story encouraged them to speak out.

Oh Thank you Mr. Cooper, for giving me the opportunity to open a dialogue. For the first time in a long time, I feel my life may have some kind of purpose after all.

2011-09-12T13:45:00.001-04:00

Update.....

I am daring to put this link up to share my segment that I mentioned in my last post... I will not leave it up for long... your thoughts, as always, are welcomed...

Warmly,

Kel

http://www.andersoncooper.com/2011/09/11/my-son-doesnt-look-like-a-drug-addict/

Losing you is like living in a world with no air....

2011-09-12T09:55:00.002-04:00

I was invited to be an audience participant guest on A. Coopers new talk show which premiers today. You know- he is the guy from C- N- N.... LOL Forgive me for being cryptic, but I try to keep my blog private from my friends and or family so I can speak as honestly as possible here. Although I do not post with regularity, I do write a post almost daily in my head. Even if I rarely write it out. This blog has been a place for me to share my pain of living with an addict and ultimely loosing that battle with honesty and speaking from my heart. I would like to keep it that way.

That being said. I get the opportunity to speak with Mr. Cooper for a few moments and briefly talk about losing my Prince. It premiers today in the NY area at 4 pm on PIX. Not sure where it will air in your neck of the woods, but if you get the chance to tune in, I would love your imput, afterall, you guys have been my backbone and lifeline for many, many years. And I thank you from the bottom of my heart for always being just a few clicks of my keyboard away...

I don't need to fight, to prove I'm right...

2011-08-19T10:14:00.002-04:00

During my 45 minute commute to my office each morning I enjoy listening to the silly morning show on the top 40 pop station. I often find myself laughing out loud to their silly antics and jokes. I find this a good way to start my day off in a good mood by smiling and laughing in the car alone, and it tends to put me in better spirits and makes facing my work day a bit more pleasant.

In between the silliness and the news and traffic and commercials, they do play the top pop hits of the moment. Most of the songs sound the same to me, and I rarely give them much thought, tolerating the synthesized music until my silly friends come back on the air. However, hearing the same catchy songs over and over, the words begin to register and you become aware of the content.

Today I realized the top songs being played over and over are by the same few so-called-artists... the top sellers and money makers of the moment. Two of these songs are catchy drinking anthems. Lyrics include: "Cheers to the freakin weekend, I drink to that, let the Jameson sink in." or: "Yeah we danced on table tops, then we drank too many shots, think we kissed but I forgot". Another of my "favorites" includes the line "before I leave brush my teeth with a bottle of Jack".

Really? I am not trying to deny this generation their right to have a good time, I am not going to deny I did my own share of bar hopping and partying when I was a kid. However, in order to get a lot of air play on the radio, does the music have to be laden with stories of female debauchery, drnking till you pass out or get arrested and random hooking up with strangers that y0u wont remember? I know it happened when I was young and it happens today and it will happen in twenty years from now. Yet, is it OK that the rockstars of today are young women singing the praises of this behavior? Are there no more real "artists" out there that can actually play an instrument and write a song with meaning that will give you goosebumps and stay with you and will stand the test of time?

When the young shy girls looking for acceptance and a place to belong turn on the radio and hear these songs, are they getting the message that in order to have a good time and fit in you must go to the clubs and drink yourself stupid? I certainly hope not. And seriously... when did I get this old???

Wishing you all a wonderful and safe weekend... and hey.. lets do it without brushing our teeth with a bottle of Jack... just sayin...

Not much? How 'bout you?

2011-08-16T11:43:00.003-04:00

Lying in bed Sunday evening unable to sleep, my mind, as always , vacillating between the problems I am currently having with my younger son; and what went wrong, why was my Prince taken from me? Out of the hundreds of thousands of addicts out there, on that particular evening why him? What have I done to deserve so much pain in my life? Why me? And it occurred to me for the very first time ever... who am I to question God and his will?

I believe I may have had a breakthrough...

Did you get what you deserve???

2011-06-08T11:58:00.003-04:00

Thank you Dear Tori for commenting and inquiring about my son and I, it gave me the inspiration to put up a short post. Something I have been meaning to do for a while. I am still here every day reading your blogs and sometimes even leaving a comment. I am so excited to see my old faves- Mary Christine, Lou and Pammie are back in the blogging business. Just makes me feel better.

It is 17 months today that my Prince has left this world. The pain is still overwhelming. He is still the first and last thing I think about everyday. There are still moments that take my breath away when I realize he is really and truly gone. Heroin. Really, it kills. Do not doubt it for one moment.

My little Prince, spent 30 days in a residential facility. Since he has been home he has been splitting his time between living with his father and I. In the earlier days it was more with his father because he was lashing out at me and we really could not get along. He stayed clean for about 3 weeks after but has now been testing positive for marijuana. In his wee little brain he still sees nothing wrong with it. It is really quite exhausting. He is failing his sophomore year of High School. It has not been an easy year, or couple of years for that matter. But I am doing my best and I am still getting out of bed and trying to function in the real world. I try not to wear my pain on my sleeve, cause really, at the end of the day... no one really cares any way...

You no my name....

2011-04-12T20:55:00.001-04:00

So. yeah. You can follow me on twitter if you are inclined to dial into my pathetic life in 140 characters or less.... @kellyny1968 or something like that.

I couldn't walk and I tried to run...

2011-04-04T16:03:00.002-04:00

Last week, at a restaurant, I was asked the dreaded question, "Do you have any children?" I squirmed and hesitated a bit before looking over at my date for some reassurance or maybe just some assistance before the woman asked again, "Is isn't that difficult of a question". I then explained my situation. She was apologetic and after the moment of awkwardness passed, we went about the business of enjoying our meal. I didn't go on the share with her that my younger, only existing child, is currently locked away in a rehab facility 400 miles from my home. Friday night I was feeling a bit sad and weepy about my current situation and reached out on the FB to a friend of mine that I met at the cemetery where both of our children are buried. Within an hour, she and another MOA (Side note: In our case we use this acronym to mean "Mother of and Angel" but I have seen it referred to Mother of an Addict in our corner of the blogshpere, but technically I am both. Can you say Epic Fail.) had arrived at my house tissues in hand to help me lift my spirits and feel better about who I have become and how I have landed here. Sometimes though, I have to remember the blessings in my life, like the gift of good friends that have walked in my shoes and who love me and understand.

Another mother's broken heart is taking over...

2011-03-21T15:45:00.002-04:00

I forget the warm feelings I find after receiving comments on one of my posts, from others in our little corner of the blogshpere, and I thank you, I forget how much comfort I once found in blogging regularly.

Received a phone call this morning that a bed will be open for La Petit a week from Tuesday at the residential facility we are looking into. It is over 4 hours away and we have no guarantee that the insurance will authorize treatment until he is physically at the facility and they do an intake. Another week of keeping him on lock down. It will not be easy. But then again, nothing ever is.
The weekend was drama and stress free other than the fact that he is getting anxious and wants to go back to school and he wants to see his friends.

This all still feels like a bad dream. I still find it difficult to accept the fact that the Prince is dead. At times, it will hit me like a brick and I can literally feel the air being forced from my lungs and breathing can be difficult. And I have ask myself, did this really happen? Is he really gone? Has it really been more than fourteen months since I have layed my eyes on him or spoken to him? Will I really never see him again? And the pain is just too much too endure.

Imagine me, Taught by Tragedy...

2011-03-18T12:32:00.003-04:00

I know it has been a while since I have posted, but I am still around reading others blogs each day. I have so much to share and just cant find my voice, perhaps because what is left of my heart is being broken again from my youngest son.

I guess you could say I am the mother of an addict redux. Part 2? Again? My youngest son, La Petite, starting doing really poorly in school last year after the death of his brother. He was never a great student, but we figured he was just really falling apart from his loss. We all were. Late in June, he came home after being out with friends and he was obviously drunk and high. Knowing full well not to engage or argue with an inebriated person, I put him to bed, and kept a close eye on him all night.

I went through his phone and made some calls and was told by some of his friends that he had been smoking a lot of pot. They were concerned. I was shocked that I didn't pick up on it. I'm usually pretty good. We put him on lock down until he was to leave from sleep away camp a few weeks later.

He did well all summer while away at camp and shortly after starting his sophomore year, he started cutting classes and we found out he was again smoking pot. We cut him off financially, making him brown bag his lunch. I found a large Ziploc bag hidden in the bathroom filled with pot. Money was going missing. At this point I realized, I simply can not live with another addict in my house. He went to live with his dad. A week or so into that, he found some sleeping pills and pain pills that had been prescribed to my ex husband and took a nice handful of them. He was a mess. I would almost say it was an overdose. We got him into an outpatient program that meets twice a week and also requires attendance at AA or NA meetings.

Fast forward to February and the present, he has been dropped from his Spanish class, for cutting it so often. A class he has taken for the third time that is a requirement for graduation. He is failing 9th grade math for the second time, also a graduation requirement, and Biology the second time around isn't looking so good either. He is one cut away from being dropped from his Global Studies class as well. Opiates show up in his urine screen.

I am assuming he must be involved in dealing on some level because he has no access to cash, and he is still managing to be high all the time. Through out all of this I have been working with the Special Ed department to get him classified and placed into an alternative learning program outside of the district. I pull him out of the public high school because all he does is get high there, we decide its time for residential treatment. I am working on that right now, its not easy, insurance companies do not want to pay and I don't have $10,000 cash laying around at the moment. Beds for adolescent males are scarce.

We have him under 24 hour supervision. He stays with his grandparents during the day while we are at work. In the evenings he is either with me or his dad. Last night he asked his dad if he could sleep at his grandmothers house. We both kind of saw that as a red flag as he had asked to sleep at my house last night as well. But my ex is exhausted from sleeping with one eye open watching over him every night so we figured what could happen, he has been on total lock down.

Sure enough, my in laws call my husband at 10 o'clock last night saying that the Little Prince is high as a kite, totally out of it. Turns out he stole some DXM based meds from the supermarket during the day. Never say never.

We are hoping for a bed any day now. Its just so outside of my realm of thought that he would mess around with this stuff considering we buried his 20 year old brother just 14 short months ago. Cunning, Baffling, Powerful, Indeed...

I'm not running from...

2010-11-12T14:09:00.002-05:00

Last night I went to an event that was being held by one of the bereavement groups that I attend that is designed exclusively for parents who have lost children. A woman (who also happens to be a medium), led the group of approximantely 125 bereaved parents in a guided meditation. I do believe it is the first time I was ever able to successfully mediate. Perhaps it was the overwhelming feeling of sadness that had enveloped the room. Or the profound feeling of belonging that I feel when I am surrounded by a group of people who "get it". Those who have not lost a child, simply can not understand. They think they do, but they do not. However, the enegry in that room last night was overwhelming to me. A group of desperate parents looking to each other for comfort, support, guidance, I dont know, just looking to each other to say, "I understand". I wondered to myself if this is how the alcoholic feels when they finally find the rooms of AA Or the loved one of a alcoholic when they discover Al-anon.

Ironically, I have finally found the place where I fit in, a place where I belong, and that is with a bunch of people that have suffered the same devasting, life altering loss that I have.

It's not always so good to be home.

That part of me left yesterday...

2010-09-03T13:07:00.003-04:00

Blogging used to be a place for me to come to talk about my sons struggles with addiction and substance abuse. It is here I connected with other parents of addicts, sober bloggers, and al-anoners alike. Some of those bloggers remain, some have gone. A select few I remain friends in the real world with.

I don't know what to say here anymore. I still read your blogs every day although I do not comment often. I see there are alot of new parent of addicts blogs out there, and I am not sure if my story can help or hinder their progress in their journeys. My story did not have the ending I had hoped for.

That said, I am still here, I am still in pain, and my son, the Prince is still dead.

Nobody told me there'd be days like these...

2010-06-24T10:49:00.002-04:00

Today I am celebrating, or really, NOT celebrating my first birthday without my Prince. Last week would have been his 21st Birthday. We had a small memorial at his grave as his headstone was in place a few days before, I passed out balloons and sharpie pens and we all wrote a message to him and launched the balloons in the air simultaneously. I invited his friends and my family back to the house for dinner. We made the best of a bad day, I asked that everyone dress in white and we celebrated his life. This is all entirely too painful. This never should have happened.

If Heaven and Hell decide, That they both are satisfied...

2010-05-07T11:19:00.011-04:00

Accidental Acute Opiate Intoxication

That is the final, official cause of death on the corrected death certificate. Last night I also received the autopsy report. Knowing my son died from an overdose is difficult enough without having to read how the Medical Examiner sliced his chest cavity open in the "typical Y formation", and sliced through each of his organs and detailing the condition of every organ in gruesome detail. There were no surprises, in fact other that the whole shooting-himself- full-of-heroin-until-he-died thing, he appeared to be in very good health. However, there are some things a mother just shouldn't know.

Four months ago today, my Prince was still breathing. Four months from approx. 1:15 a.m. tomorrow, he took his final breath. I am constantly thinking of what else I could have done, could I have done something differently, and there is n0thing. It breaks my heart when at the end of the day, I know that he, and he alone, was the only person capable of saving his life. And quite honestly, when he made the decision to start shooting into his veins, I do believe that his life was over, and the decision was made for him.

It frightens me to read how powerful the addiction to heroin is. How strong the pull. How so many addicts never get free from it. And it frightens me even more to know that there is really nothing that I can do about it. I feel powerless. I know I can speak out, and give interviews, tell my story, tell his story, speak to other parents, and write to my congressman. But the bottom line is there is nothing anyone can do when an addict puts that needle into his arm. Only he can push the syringe or not. It is their moment. And I can not change that.

>The addict does not know the wreckage he leaves behind. The lives destroyed in his path. He gets to rest peacefully while every painful day is the first day of the rest of our broken lives. The sadness in my home is palpable. There is no longer joy. I know with time, we will learn to live the new normal, our new life without my Prince. It will never get better, but they tell me in time it will get, different. Its already different. And not in a good way.

I've been wallowing in my own confused and insecure delusions...

2010-04-20T10:05:00.003-04:00

When my Prince was alive and still in school or rehab, this was one of the days I dreaded the most. April 20th. or 420 (four-twenty) as the kids referred to it. It is some kind of weed smoking reference, I never got the full story. I just knew it was a day that the pot smokers celebrated by excessive marijuana smoking.

There were other days I also dreaded when he was in his teen years. That would be every day. My head is still not working properly. I will ask my younger son the same question 4 times in the 6 minute drive to his high school. It disturbs him. I try to explain that I am just so distracted since the Prince passed away and I am hopeful that in time it will get better. In reality, I do not know if I really believe it.

I do not hold my Prince up on a pedestal in his death, although it often too painful to remember the early years of his addiction, but there are certain moments when it comes crashing into my consciousness and I am reminded of an incident. In his final year of high school he was still going to the intensive outpatient rehab program. He was dating a junior from his home district. She was a lovely, beautiful girl. She was drug and alcohol free. She never minded coming to the house to see him since his program did not allow him to leave the house unsupervised. She invited him to attend her Junior Prom as her date. I was hesitant and very reluctant to allow him to attend. The "program" did not think it was a good idea. I faltered and decided to trust him. She was a good girl and she I know he did not want to risk losing her. I took him shopping and bought him a nice suit. He matched his shirt to her beautiful red dress. I was going to drive them to the prom, and her mother was to pick them up.

Two days before the prom, his weekly urine test turned up dirty. For opiates. He snorted heroin for the first time. Money turned up missing that week and I subsequently found it hidden in his room. I refused to drive them, refused to allow him to attend the prom. He went anyway. The next day I went apartment hunting. I had reached my limits. I was not yet in a financial position to afford an apartment while my soon to be ex-husband and the Prince lived in the house while I tried to sell it. Not to mention the fact that they would have killed each other. The solution was that he would go live with his grandparents. He lived with them until the moment of his death. He died in their house.

I think of all of the blogger buddies that I have followed and who have followed my story through these years. I am sad for the ones who have left us. However I am grateful for the love and support I have found here. I pray for your children that are still fighting their demons and addictions. And I miss my Prince with every inch of my being.

Cause your the only song I want to hear...

2010-03-23T13:41:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I feel as though I am still in shock and that my son is still alive. As though we had an argument and we are simply not speaking as opposed to him being gone. We had some really lovely weather this past weekend, a weekend where he likely would have been starting to do some work on his small boat to get it ready to put in the water. I kept waiting on the phone call for him to ask me to help him finance some kind of expensive boat repair. The phone call never came, and it never will.

I am mourning my own loss. The loss of my child, the flesh of my flesh. However, more profoundly, I am mourning his loss. The loss of the life he will never live. He was twenty years old. He will never get married and he will never be a father. He will never again spend lazy weekends fishing on the little boat he loved so much. He will never again go to a concert, or a baseball game. He will never have the opportunity to vote for a president. He will never again have the chance to get dressed up and take his lovely girlfriend to his office Christmas party. He will never stand up as Best Man when his little brother takes a wife. Gone are the days when he will call me and ask to come over and bar-b-que some steaks with his special secret marinade.

The sadness and pain of this loss is more than I can bear most days, and I am thankful for the body's ability to protect itself by keeping me a little bit numb so I can function on some level and get through most days. Sometimes the anger overwhelms the sadness and I want to wage a war against someone. To make a difference. To get this shit off the streets and away from our children. And that is just what I intend to do, one baby step at a time if I must...

Already Gone...

2010-03-17T14:17:00.002-04:00

The last few months of my life have been surreal. There is no other word for it. The loss of a child is like nothing I can describe to you. It is pain that you feel to the very depths of your soul. Yet, life around you goes on. You must go on. I still have a mortgage to pay so I still have to get out of bed every day and get dressed. I still have another child to raise so I don't get the luxury of just completely shutting down.

Most people, can not relate to the pain of losing a child. I hear often, that it is the most devastating loss a human being can go through. It is unnatural, unfair, perverse, against nature. I have since noticed, often times, once the initial shock of it wears off, it is easier for those around you, to pretend it never happened, or to pretend you don't exist. It becomes the 600 lb gorilla in the room. I experience this often.

Perhaps I am just becoming cynical, but I often feel that some people could perceive the death of my son as brought on by himself. I have known of at least 2 or 3 deaths by heroin overdose in the months prior to the death of my son. After those deaths, I have also overheard people whispering things like "just another dead junkie".

The deeper the thoughts, theres no more pain...

2010-01-20T13:13:00.002-05:00

The Prince called me on the Thursday afternoon before his death. He had begun working in a sales position for a rather larger company since some time in November. He was doing well and loved the work he was doing. I always believed that sales jobs were perfect for drug addicts because they have the gift of knowing how to get the means to the ends. They are natural salesman, having the ability to talk their way into giving you what they need from you. But I digress.

He called Thursday afternoon like he called every other day. We had been trying to make plans to see a limited exhibit at MOMA. We discussed going that weekend and were deciding which fabulous place they wanted me to take them for dinner. We hung up with the understanding that we would speak again the next day to finalize our plans. That would be the last time I would ever hear his voice.

He and his girlfriend were inseparable. For the most part, they lived together. Mostly they stayed at his grandparents house, where he lived. Occasionally they would sleep at her grandmothers house, where she lives. Thursday night, his girlfriend was not feeling very well and after spending the day with her friend, decided to spend the night at her house instead of going home to him.

What happens next is sketchy. He and a friend went out for awhile. Supposedly to meet someone at the mall. They then went back to the Princes house to watch a movie on Blue-Ray on the new TV he got for Christmas. The friend left around midnight, the Prince said goodnight to his grandparents at around 1 a.m. When they tried to wake him at around 730 the next morning he was gone. The police said it was instantaneous, that it happened somewhere around 1:15 a.m. The tourniquet was still tied to his arm.

His phone record show a phone call to the GF at 1:08. A few text messages go back and forth earlier in the day between the Prince and the friend he was out with discussing the need for "clean spikes" and the Prince asking the friend if it was possible to "shoot xanax". I don't know how long this was all going on and honestly, I guess it doesn't really matter anymore.

Heroin is epidemic where I live. A bag of heroin is cheaper than a six pack of beer or a pack of cigarettes and easier for our children to get their hands on. Heroin, was never the Princes drug of choice. I am still in a state of shock and disbelief. I am still numb. I can not believe I will never see him or hear his voice again.

This is the end, Beautiful Friend....

2010-01-15T10:41:00.004-05:00

The Prince

Kenneth Charles

June 16, 1989 - January 8, 2010

My beautiful son, Kenneth Charles, the Prince, lost his battle with addiction last Friday and left this world for the next. He overdosed on heroin. I pray he is finally at peace with himself and will now find the peace he so desperately sought. I pray for all of you on the god awful journey we are on.

May he rest in Peace.

The first post of the year....

2010-01-05T13:51:00.002-05:00

I have not smoked a cigarette in six days. Yay for me. As a result of said six smoke free days I seem to have lost my taste for coffee and wine. Is it possible to have given up all of my vices in one day? Not even on purpose? Is it possible all of my addictions were caused by my smoking cigarettes? I know, I know, not possible, but psychologically, I have had no interest in coffee or alcohol since New Years Eve. This is not like me. At all. Maybe it is because I have been really really concerned with my alcohol intake of late (this is not a great secret) and maybe the not smoking thing has lead me to a better path? I am not going to fool myself into thinking I do not have a problem just because I have not wanted to have a glass of wine, but maybe it will keep me on the clean and sober page for a while.

Which leads me to my next stupid question. And yes, I am being honest when I ask this... What exactly do you do to socialize that does not include alcohol? (I'm guessing since I have to ask this question, my answer should probably be: Go to a meeting!)

So Happy New Year and wish me luck...

The Last post of the year...

2009-12-26T19:20:00.003-05:00

I rarely blog on the weekends, and practically never from home. But today, I just felt like reaching out to my blogger peeps and extending my best (belated) holiday wishes to you all. My holiday was lovely, but not not without issues, mostly of my own doing. I dont feel up to sharing it just now, but I know I have to make alot of changes within myself, and I need to do it quickly.

Wishing you all a healthy and Happy New Year!

When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

2009-11-10T08:58:00.002-05:00

I have been seeing the nice man who I went on a date with a few weeks ago. He is gentle, fun, generous and kind. He likes me. Alot. That scares me. Alot. I am trying to explain to him that I need to take it very slowly. That I was not looking for a relationship right now, that I was actually planning on taking some time to myself and work on reconnecting with myself after all that I have gone through the last few years. He is responsive, but keeps saying the "we" word. Like how "we" will remember that our first movie together was a little dark and twisty. Things like when "we" go here or there, etc. I am happy to date him and spend time with him, but I am not ready to be a part of a "we" just yet. Tomorrow I have the day off from work and we are going to spend the day together, going to drive out East and do some Christmas shopping and a nice lunch somewhere. I am sure it will be a pleasant afternoon.

The Prince got a job as a stock broker trainee. He started yesterday. They were to pay for his training and the courses for his Series 7 exam for 8 weeks. He found out an hour after he got there that they would not be paying him until the test was taken and passed. He walked out. The "man" who hasn't worked since early June, said he can not possible go eight weeks with out a paycheck. I took him shopping and spent $300 on work clothes over the weekend. He says it is OK that I spent all that money because now he has interview clothes and plans on having another job lined up by next week. He has three other interviews set up in the next few days. He called me last night and asked me if he should tell the people interviewing him that he has other interviews lined up, you know, so they would offer him more money. I tried to gently tell him that the jobs he was interviewing for were entry level, most likely minimum wage positions and he does not have the experience to use that kind of leverage.

It still hurts that he has no clue about the real world. That he has no education, no marketable skills and that he will have a hard time getting a job because he can not pass a urine test. He still has so much growing up to do. And I don't see it happening any time soon.

He and his father have no relationship. His father only sees him in passing when he is at his mothers house (where the Prince lives). His father has a pretty good relationship with our younger son, La Petite. Much better than I ever thought possible. He sees him regularly and they do things together, La Petite looks forward to spending time with him. I know this hurts the Prince. His father never taught him the things necessary in life to be a man. How to mow the lawn, how to paint a wall, how to tie a necktie. I have tried my best to both mother and father to him. But I see it pains him that his father doesn't want to be a part of his life. His fathers love for him is not unconditional. I know the Prince has caused us all so much pain, but at the end of the day, I still love him deeply, even though I can not allow him to live in my house, and I know I must keep him at a safe distance to protect myself.

Why I'm a Stranger in my Own Life...

2009-10-28T09:19:00.003-04:00

I have a morning ritual when I arrive in the office each day. I sign on to my computer, check my emails then check the blogs. I always start with Mary Christine, as hers was the first blog I started following, I jump from her to Pammie then over to Lou, Syd, and so on. I was thrilled to see Lou back again last week, I felt a real loss each day when she wasn't there, and am still feeling a bit sad the Pat at Child Lost has left us as well.

I know I don't post as often as I should, but I still read you all each and everyday and wonder if you all feel a little loss when I am not posting?

So much going on in my little slice of the world, so in the interest of keeping it brief, and not boring you all to death, if you don't mind I will just do some quick bullets....

The Prince still posting non-stop on his facebook about getting high, etc. Still isn't working, and as far as I can tell still is not looking for work. He called last week to tell me how he got "jumped" by a bunch of kids last week outside the bar and got the sh*t beat out of him. I inquired how he was at the bar and drunk when he is both underage and unemployed. Not too mention uninsured, and he has now incurred a whole new bunch of debt from the ambulance ride and the hospital emergency room fees.
His latest idea is to try to sign up for welfare to get money and insurance. I said that I didn't think they gave assistance to those who are healthy enough to work but choose not too. Needless to say we are not in a warm fuzzy place at the moment.
La Petite Prince is in High School. He has met a whole new group of kids and is really coming into his own. It is a nice group of boys. His grades are good. He is starting to drop the ball a little bit this last week, turning in assignments late, etc. I am in constant communication with his teachers so I can keep on top of him. But he makes me feel good and hopeful for his future.
A friend called me and asked if it would be OK if she were to ask out the guy I was seeing for the last year and a half, you know, the one who broke up with me via text and called my kid a mutant.... I mean really? Is this High School? Do we pass men around as if they were dispensable? I don't understand how drama attaches itself to me like white on rice...
I went on a date with a nice man on Saturday night. It was pouring rain, and he came to my door and met me with an umbrella. Now THAT was a first in my world... It was nice and fun and easy and he made me laughed, and we kissed a little in the car like teenagers and he wants to take me to the opening game of the World Series tonight!
My ex-husband told me recently the reason why he has been crying poverty lately, is that he got arrested for a DWI last winter, and the court costs, mandatory alcohol rehab, legal fees, probation reimbursement costs, etc. have run in him to the ten thousands. Put a cherry on top of that, he informed me that he has to report to jail tomorrow morning for 7 days as a result. I know DWI is a big deal, but something sounds a bit fishy to me that he has to serve jail time. Whatever. So not my problem anymore.
So just trying to keep it together One Day at a Time, minding my own side of the street and keeping the pity party to a minimum.

OK, so that's me in a nutshell. You know I couldn't keep it too short.. sorry about that. Sending you all lots of love and know that I am still here and keeping up with you all each day....

I've been looking so long at these picutes of you...

2009-09-22T13:03:00.003-04:00

So the Prince and I are now friends on one of those social networky site thingies. After confirming we are friends I go over and check out his page. Every other "update" he has posted makes reference to smoking pot. As in: "Anyone wanna blaze?" "smoking a blunt right now" "Smoking the Buddha" "Got Weed?" Etc. etc. etc. He also has a bunch of pics of himself up there. Most pics show him swigging either beer, wine or vodka from the bottle. Other pics show him clearly intoxicated. There are even a few pics of him and his friends rolling joints or blunts or whatever it is they call them these days. Lots of nice shots of water pipes and bongs strewn about on tables. Lots of action shots of them playing beer pong.

He is also "friends" with friends of mine and numerous relatives, cousins etc. One of my closest friends had a post up about the new JZ album. My son responded to it by writing that the new album is F*cking Sick. Oh, the pride and joy, just warms a mothers heart. I wrote him a private message about how he might want to tone down his musings on the site because leaving a trail like that for future employers, school admissions officers, etc. can easily access it and hold it against him now or at some much later date. No response.

He called me a little while ago after friending another old friend of his fathers and mine and was laughing about a pic the old friend had posted of his father, how young he looked, etc. I then asked him if he received my email and that how he should consider taking his drug use announcements down just a notch. He was getting annoyed and kept trying to end the conversation. I explained that while he clearly sees no problem with illicit drug use, that maybe he would want to be concerned about how it could be held against him and that maybe he shouldn't be so proud of it. He told me I was aggravating him. I then told him then, at the very least could he refrain from friending MY friends and family. His response was that they were his friends and family too. Touche. I then asked him, could he at the very least refrain from leaving comments that involve the F word on my friends sites. I think this is pretty much where the conversation ended and he hung up on me.

It is times like these that I see how very damaged he is, and how he really did stop maturing when the heavy drug use started. OK so, yeah he smokes pot and wears it like a badge of honor. Where I don't see this as something to proud of, apparently he feels the need to let the world know that he is OK with it. I don't know why, after all of these years and after everything we have gone through, I still feel embarrassed by his drug use. I want to take heed from Lou's post earlier this week about how I shouldn't feel the need to explain my son and his disease. But yet, even though I know better, it still makes me feel like such a failure as a mother.

After the conversation with my son, I just sat in my car and cried. Not the desperate, sobbing cries of years ago, but just silent tears, just enough to maybe release some of the sadness that so deeply fills my heart. Time to remember to let go again, and leave it to G-d....

Taking two steps forward, and four steps back...

2009-09-15T10:00:00.005-04:00

The boyfriend contacted me weeks ago and asked for a second chance, proclaiming his love for me and how his online indiscretions were absolutely innocent, and promised to cease the behavior I found so offensive if I would give "us" a second chance.

Throughout our conversations while we were trying to get back together other issues in the relationship came up and we discussed them. His main complaint with me is that I do not call him. Its true. I don't. I do not have a reason for this, but I don't. I also promised to make an effort to call him more often.

Things were going OK, or so I thought. We have tickets to a Yankeee game tomorrow night. We are taking the Prince and his girlfriend. Yesterday I had some stuff going on after work, I had an electrician coming to fix a faulty outlet, I am puppy sitting for a friend so that is two dogs to take care of, not to mention homework with La Petit (who just started HS!) and just the regular day to day things.

I send the BF a text message at around 7. No response. I send another one half an hour later, kidding around, saying "Uh-Oh, are you mad?" No response. Then I figure he must have fallen asleep and sent a message saying goodnight. No response.

10 pm, I receive a text back saying, and this is a direct quote, "Which is good, cuz I'd rather stick needles in my eyes then go to the Yankee Game with your mutant kid" I thought it was a joke, I had no idea what he was talking about. His next message said, "enough is enough, this is ridiculous and we are done... " <Side note.. I just realized as I wrote this, that the texts came in the wrong order, apparently, the text saying enough is enough should have come first, followed by, the whch is good... comment..>

I try to call, he doesn't pick up, this is when I realize he is serious. So he finally responds back that we are done because I thought he was angry and didn't even bother to call. Seriously. So whatever, if you want to break up with me, then go ahead. But to call my kid a mutant? I mean really? How F-ed up is that? A 49 year old man, breaking up with me, via text message, and dragging my children into it and calling them names? Knowing the history I have with my son and how hypersensitive I am about it?

So that was my evening went last night. Now today I have to tell my son and his GF that I won't be meeting them at the game. They have their tickets already, I do not have mine. Now they have to take the train home, as we were going to drive them home with us. The Prince, will be disappointed.

My morning started out waking up at 6 a.m. and finding two giant loads of poop on my bedroom wood floors from the puppy I am watching. Cleaning up the poop really put me behind schedule. Next my allergies are so bad this morning that I could not even manage to put on mascara and I look like the walking death. Get into my car, drop La Petite at school and proceed to spill coffee all over my white slacks. Arrive int he office looking like hell and sneezing and coughing from allergies and my boss suggests perhaps I should go home, you know what with the swine flu thing going on ( I work in education).

All this after getting broken up with, via text message, last night. Really? Is this really still my life?

September 11, 2009

2009-09-11T11:34:00.004-04:00

I have been wanting and meaning to post. There is so much happening in my life right now. But it just doesn't feel appropriate to wallow in my self today, this day.

Instead, I am sending out some love to my blogger buddies out there. And plan to get back to it regularly next week.

September 11, 2001... Let us never forget...

Keep the faith, Keep the faith....

2009-08-19T09:13:00.001-04:00

Saw this outside of a church on my way to the office this morning....

"God answers all KNEE mail"

Think that is spectacular and clever.

She likes me for me...

2009-08-14T14:47:00.002-04:00

Thank you all for your input. It's funny how it even though I do not post very often, it is my first instinct to go to you guys for advice. And if you have read all the comments, your feedback confirmed what I already knew.

Long Story short, I broke up with the BF Wednesday night. Based on his online activities and some other stuff but I will write a longer post next week when I have more time.

In the mean time I am going out for dinner in Manhattan with my best girlies tonight. Its just what I need right now. They love me for me, flaws and everything.

Kisses.

Come on, come talk to me.....

2009-08-10T10:31:00.002-04:00

I know I haven't blogged in a long time, but I still check in and read your blogs everyday. I have to keep this short, but I just need to throw a question out there and I'm hoping for some feedback.

Is it OK, if you are in a "committed" relationship, to go into "romance, singles" chat rooms to talk to strangers?

What's it all about?

2009-06-24T10:38:00.002-04:00

Taking the cue from Syd today and sharing a little about what I'm about....

Today I am all about me, it's my Birthday, and I love my birthday, and all of the attention that comes with it. Narcissistic much?
Feeling proud of myself that as a single mother, I managed to make the best possible summer camp plans for my Little Prince, and pay for it, without any interaction from his father, who could care less.
Coffee. I consume way too much of it, but I love it.
Having good friends that really care about me and make me a better person.
The sadness that I felt last night when my Mom told me about our recently widowed cousin, who yesterday, took a walk with her daughter, my good friend, and went to the movies with her grandchildren. My mom was half-way through a giant bottle of cheap red wine when she told me about this, and the realization that we are never going to do those things, well, it just hurts.
I am not a perfect mother and my children are not perfect. I'm learning though, that I am doing my best to be good enough and they will either love me for it or have to deal with it in therapy later on. Such is life.
I miss my father. Especially today on my birthday, he would have called me singing the Happy Birthday song to me all day.
I do not however, miss his illness, pain and suffering. Sometimes God knows when to come calling for his sons.
Red velvet cupcakes. Yummy.
A flirty new skirt to wear on my birthday today.
Being in a relationship with a good man. Although it is not ideal, it is good enough and I am learning to let things happen at that their own pace.
My beautiful sweet pup. He loves me unconditionally, flaws and all.
Letting go of the past. Slowly, but surely.
Not having to own the Princes problems anymore.
Enjoying planting a garden with my mother. All of the rain has really helped it flourish.
Feeling hopeful about my future. I can make it on my own. I can find happiness. Even if I am alone.
Looking forward to some alone time this summer. I'm feeling ready to get to know myself again. (Flaws and all)
Reading and learning from the experiences of my blogger buddies. Even though I rarely comment anymore.
Learning to cook with fine fresh ingredients. I never knew there could be real joy in cooking for the people in my life that I love, and planting my own fresh herbs for the first time this summer... cant wait to use them!
Becoming more comfortable in my own skin. One day at a time...

So what are YOU all about right now?

And I feel...

2009-06-05T14:01:00.002-04:00

This morning, when I locked my bedroom door before I took a shower, as I was alone in the house, I thought to myself, with a chill down my spine,why bother? When I tried to lock the monster out, he just busted it down anyway.

When I drive down the last strip of highway in the mornings on my way to my office, I am often brought back to the conversations with the monster, hearing his temper rise as his voice was elevating, and telling me how I don't make him feel special enough, and all of the other things I did wrong.

Earlier in the week my young son and I were talking about the accidental death of Mike Tyson's daughter, and I expressed that although I was not a big fan, I felt sad for his loss. My young son inquired about my feelings and I mentioned the many episodes of domestic abuse and spousal abuse he had been accused of. My son commented to me that the wife must have deserved it, that she probably cheated or whatever? I had to actually control my OWN rage at that comment. My own son, making such a statement, after all that I had gone through.

Later in the week I was having dinner in a restaurant with some friends and I repeated the conversation between my son and I. These are all close friends who knew what I went through and were very, very supportive. However, one of my friends had apparently forgotten about it for a moment, and went off on a sort of tangent about if her sons ever made such a comment, she would explain to them how it would never happen to her, because she is too strong for that and she would never allow it to happen to her. I interrupted her as gently as I could by saying, never say never. She got the point and quickly apologized.

The relationship that I am in is a safe one. I am confident he would never physically harm me. But it seems to be taking on a life of his way or now way. Not at all in a threatening manner. More like, he is more comfortable being at his house. He is not crazy about my mom or spending time with her and as a result, he will no longer come to my house if she is there. If I want to do something he wont do, he simply will say no and he will not do it. No matter what. I think this is just starting to really mess with my head, and is making all the bad, painful memories try to break their way out of repression...

Acting on your best behavior, Turn your back on Mother Nature...

2009-05-14T15:07:00.003-04:00

My mother was always the stronger personality of my parents. Especially when my father was struck ill at the age of 49 and basically spent the next 18 years slowly dying. My father was not an educated man and he dropped out of school somewhere around the age of 15. Knowing the things I know after raising my own children, and from working in education, it would seem that my father suffered some kind of learning disability. I am thinking he was probably dyslexic. He was a good man, a strong man, he was a hard working proud man, but he was not book smart. He gladly allowed my mother to run the house, gladly turned his paycheck over to her each week. Never questioned her judgement or decisions, and financially, she did well by them.

Deciding to buy a home with my mother, was, at the time, the right thing to do. My father was dying and she needed my help. I also did not want her to be alone when he died. Its been almost a year since my father left this world for the next. Alot of the drama and urgency of the last few years are slowly settling down and my life, while far from perfect is in a calmer place.

Lately my mother and I are having terrible arguments. We are both type-A personalities on some level. My mother is having a hard time with me moving on and rebuilding my life. She takes offense when I spend the night with the man I am seeing. I only do this when my 13 year old is away for the weekend with his father. She does not like when I deposit money into our joint account to pay bills. Our payroll schedules are different, and I simply can not put money in the bank when I do not physically have it. She is just not comprehending that. We had a real screaming fight last week. It got ugly. When she has nothing more intelligent to say, she resorts to being underhanded, mean and plain nasty. She brings up things from my marriage, she brings up my flaws, she fights dirty. She says things that can not be taken back.

On any given evening, after 5:30 pm my mother is also half in the bag on cheap red wine. She semi-blacks out. She denies saying the things she says. She blames it on me for not giving in to her. She blames it on the wine. She blows it off, saying, its over, let it go. I am starting to get truly tired of living in dysfunction. My "boyfriend" (oh, how I loathe that word..it reminds me of the "monster") sees her really for what she is, and in a very gentle way, he often points out situations where she is unnecessarily mean to me without provocation. He does not want to spend time at my house anymore and it has alot to do with my mother and her behavior. I do not want to spend time there lately myself. This is not to be misconstrued that he goes out of his way to point these instances out, more that he will mention it when I am going stark raving mad over the things she says and I start to feel like it is all in my head.

I really feel as though I am going to loose him, and I will someday end up just like her.

But something told me to run, and honey you know me, it's all or none...

2009-05-04T11:05:00.003-04:00

Sometimes I just cant help but throw myself a pity party. While I know that I was married to the wrong man and I stayed married for entirely too long, I still wish that I was married. Happily married to the right man. I know that this is not a recipe for successful children who don't have addiction problems. But I think it would have been easier to battle if I had an equal partner. Someone that I loved and respected and trusted. And who felt the same towards me.

I can remember the day I told my parents that I was pregnant and getting married. I was 20 years old. I was lucky, I had loving, supportive parents, and so did my ex-husband. I had only been dating him for about 6 months. I was in college, working part time at an insurance agency. My husband was in college, in theory, meaning he barely went, and he was working part time busing tables at a Chinese restaurant and sometimes making deliveries. We barely knew each other. I don't know what the hell I was thinking.

I remember my mother's face when she told me that while she supported my decision to have the baby and get married, that I needed to be aware of all that I was giving up. I was giving up the best years of my life, and that it was not going to be easy. I heard her, but didn't really hear her. I didn't understand the importance of really knowing someone before you decide to commit to a lifetime together, or more importantly, to committing to raising a child together. I think I thought I was playing house.

Neither of us really knew what it took to make a marriage work. We didn't understand the give and take. We didn't grasp the concept of compromise. My had a really great social life, lots of friends, we had lots of parties and BBQs. There was lots of drinking and partying. My brother in law once said to me that he didn't understand why we focused so much on our friends and not each other. The comment offended me. Until many years later when I realized I still didn't know this man I married many years ago. He worked nights and slept days. I avoided "sleeping" with him at all costs. I wasn't physically attracted to him. I secretly envied my friends and the relationships they had. I coveted their rock sized engagement rings, their big elaborate weddings, the nice shiny new things they were able to buy because they did things the "right" way.

Many years later, looking back through my 40 year old eyes, I see the mistakes that I had made. But it doesn't stop me from wanting a second chance at a beautiful life. I'm way past wanting the shiny toys and sparkly ring. But I want a partner, someone to share my life with. I am seeing someone now who is not the perfect man, but he is good and he is kind and gentle. He is tolerant. He is patient. He loves me.

Early on in our relationship, I would try to make him meet my friends and spend time with us. He was reluctant. I was anxious to meet his family and to be a part of it. He was reluctant. He tried to explain to me that he wanted to spend time with me. Not my friends, not my family. This offended me. I didn't realize that he was right, that it was important to get to know each other, alone, without the distraction of other people. Maybe it is my insecurities that I am not lovable and that if gets to know me, then he wont like or love me and that is why I insisted on surrounding myself with people, to keep me safe and protected and well hidden. This is something I have done all of my life and I am finally learning that it is not the way to be successful in a relationship. if he doesn't like me, well, then he doesn't like me. Hiding behind my family, and my friends isn't going to change that, it is simply going to prolong the inevitable. That's all.

So maybe this old dog can learn some new tricks. Or maybe its just time to take away the smoke and mirrors and just learn to let myself be me. Maybe I am something special after all...

You know it aint easy, you got to hold on...

2009-05-04T10:01:00.004-04:00

I watched the film, "Rachel getting Married" this weekend. How very dark and sad this film was. I almost had to turn it off and walk away from it. I was surprised by how deeply I was affected by it. I usually love movies and or books with any addiction related theme. I guess I was just taken back about how hopeless it seemed to be for the Anne Hathaway character, to find a little peace and forgiveness for her addiction related sins. I guess that to me, she still seemed so hopeless and misunderstood that I questioned her long time ability to maintain sobriety. Especially when she seemed to truly lack any real support within her family.

Yes, I also was able to recognize the depths of pain and tragedy she brought upon her family. And I know how difficult it is to forgive the addict in our lives. But seriously... why weren't these people working a program of their own?

Not sure where I am going with all of this. Maybe it reminded me of the days when the Prince was living home with me, and stealing from us, and living with the fear of what was going to happen next and if I would wake up and find him not breathing in the morning, and which Price would be sitting at my dinner table. He seems to be in a really good place these days. I do not see him that often, usually just in passing when he is at the house borrowing my mother's car or dropping it off. We have not done anything socially together in quite a long time, and this has been choice. Sometimes, well, I don't want to take the chance of the Ugly Prince rearing its ugly head.

Maybe since my youngest son is fast approaching the age when my Prince was sucked deep into the dark world of drugs, alcohol and addiction, that I am subconsciously afraid he may go there too. The genes of addiction run through our blood like water. I am fearful. I am mistrusting. I snoop. I know if it is going to happen it is going to happen, and it is out of my control. I have been told that most if not all teens do some level of experimentation with drugs and alcohol, and that is to be expected. I know my youngest has some self esteem issues as well, and he takes the easy way out of most things. I know all kids have an inherent need to fit in. I fear he will choose the low road to find his place in this world, and I do not think that I am physically equipped to go there again.

Love can make you weep, can make you run for cover...

2009-04-08T10:18:00.004-04:00

My youngest son is in grave danger of not passing the eighth grade. He is a very bright young man. He doesn't like to do homework, sometimes he doesn't feel like doing classwork or taking notes. Studying is a word that does not exist in his vocabulary. He really likes to talk and socialize. He likes to somehow manage to get his hands on red bulls and soda and brings it to class. He has a wicked attention deficit with hyperactivity and red bull and soda do not mix well with it. He recently took a geography quiz and scored a 10 out of a hundred. Seriously. My mother of an addicts memory keeps whispering in my ear... this is using behavior.

I am in a relationship with a man that is becoming less and less fulfilling. He does not like to spend time with my family. He prefers me to be at his small apartment than to come to my large house. He does not care if we see each other on holidays. When I tell him this hurts my feelings he does not understand. On the other hand he is very kind to me and gentle. He knows how I take my coffee, and serves it to me. He always has my favorite water in the fridge. He encourages me to take better care of myself. I know that he does love me. When my son is with his father on alternate weekends, we spend most of our time together. It is really quite possible that I am as broken as I think I am, and therefore just completely incapable of knowing how to behave in a relationship.

For the first time in many years, my relationship with my brother is in a really good place. He is a sick man, diabetic, has lost 3 toes from his disease in the last few years. He is 43 years old. He can not work. There is still a really nasty ulcer on the bottom of his foot that will not heal. It is likely he will loose this foot, sooner, rather than later. He is living with a lovely woman who is 10 years his senior. She has many of her one demons to fight. She has 3 children. The youngest of these children started having babies at the age of 15. She has 5 children under the age of 13. Most of the baby daddy's are incarcerated. There are at least 2 or 3 of them. She has never been on drugs and does not drink. She is currently living in a shelter because she has no job and no money. She bares more than a striking resemblance to the "Octo-Mom". My brother and his girlfriend are in no position to help her financially. My mother often has to help him. His SS payments leave him with less than $80 extra a month after paying the rent. We had a real long heart to heart conversation a few weeks ago and for the first time in my life, I do believe that he loves me. Saturday afternoon I am treating him to a play. Jesus Christ Superstar. It has always been our favorite. We have seen it many, many times over the years. It will be a pleasant day.

One of my oldest and dearest friends is in the hospital as I write this, sitting vigil by her fathers bedside awaiting his transfer to a Hospice Center. They are on the Death Watch. Her mother is my mothers best friend. Her father is my mothers first cousin. His mother and father were married to the sister and brother of my mothers parents. That's how it went down for the Irish Catholic in Brooklyn back then. This time last year, I was the one sitting vigil by fathers bedside awaiting his eminent death. It is very surreal to not be the one in pain, to not be the one who is frightened and sad. It hurts me to see my friend hurting. I know full well how profoundly her life will be changed following the loss of her father. My heart breaks for these people who have always been a part of my life. I think my mother feels a certain sense of glee over this. I know that sounds awful, but she is not an awful person. It just that my mom has suffered a great deal of loss and suffering in her life and she has always felt, with some degree of truth to it, that no one could understand.

I had to have a minor gynecological surgical procedure done yesterday. The removal of some precancerous cells. Not a big deal, but the first time my physician attempted the procedure a few weeks ago it did not take and it had to be redone last night. It all went well, I am on the four month follow plan to make sure I remain cancer free. I sent the man I spoke of a few paragraphs ago, a quick text message last night to let him it was done, that it went well and she was able to get all of the cells successfully. He wrote back that he was glad to hear it, and wouldn't bother me again last night so I could rest. OK, it is 10:56 a.m. here in NY, and I am obviously well enough to be here, in my office, writing this. Am I am wrong to think it would have been nice if he had bothered to contact me this morning to make sure I was OK? Just sayin'...

The man that I am sure is my soul mate, whom I dated when I was young, is now married, to someone else and she is an alcoholic. He is not happy, but he is committed. He is hopeful she will one day stop. He gives her ultimatums. She promises that next Monday will be the day. Next Monday comes and goes and she simply can not put the bottle down. I know, and He knows, that she is an alcoholic. But I know and You know that this is a disease, not just weakness on her part. She is powerless over alcohol. He did not cause this, he can not control it and he can not cure it. He does not accept this. He does not work a program. He is becoming a sad and broken man. We speak or email almost daily. I have not seen him in over 13 years. When we speak it is as if I just saw him last night. We have that connection. He will never leave her and she will probably never stop drinking. She is a lucky woman. HE called me first thing this morning to see how I felt and to make sure everything went well with the procedure last night. I may have to stop communicating with him soon, although I will miss him. It is starting to hurt. Just a little.

So this is just me, Kel. Stopping in to say hello.

One word, one letter, one line

2009-03-03T11:05:00.003-05:00

I am stealing this idea from Syd, who took the suggestion from Dave, hoping it will help motivate me to start blogging again.

Give a one word answer to the following questions. Some are thought-provoking. Try it on your blog.

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk
2. Your significant other? Fighting
3. Your hair? Blonde
4. Your mother? Crazy
5. Your father? Missed
6. Your favorite thing? Rest
7. Your dream last night? Forgotten
8. Your favorite drink? Latte
9. Your dream/goal? Serenity
10. The room you’re in? Office
11. Your fear? Alone
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Content
13. Where were you last night? home
14. What you’re not? Happy
15. Muffins? Top
16. One of your wish list items? Imac
17. Where you grew up? House
18. The last thing you did? Typed
19. What are you wearing? Suit
20. Your TV? Sony
21. Your pet? Loved
22. Your computer? Broken
23. Your life? Unfulfilling
24. Your mood? Anxious
25. Missing someone? Deeply
26. Your car? SUV
27. Something you’re not wearing? Jewelry
28. Favorite store? Wholefoods
29. Summer? Hurry!
30. Favorite color? Pink
31. Why did you laugh last? Expected
32. Why did you cry last? Sad
33. Who will repost this? Uncertain
34. A place I go over and over: Mind
35. Someone who emails me: Friend
36. Place I would rather be right now: Home

When it's good, then it's good, It's all good 'till it goes bad...

2009-02-25T11:06:00.003-05:00

Its been a long while. I know and I am sorry. I am still here reading you all every day, just have been all wrapped up in my own head the last few days, weeks, months, well years really. And it is clearly time to get out of there.

OK let me start by saying this. Hi, my name is Kel, and I am quite sure I am an alcoholic. At the very least I am an alcohol abuser. I am not sure quite when or how this happened but I am quite sure it is time to do something about it.

Hang in there folks...

That it's too late to apologize...

2008-12-29T14:06:00.003-05:00

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday and are getting ready for a peaceful new year. I had a different kind of post planned for today, but something just happened here at work and I need to share it because it has left me sad and confused.

I had written a brief little something last year about a good friend that I work with, during the whole "monster" drama. You can look back at it here: if you are so inclined. http://cloudiebay.blogspot.com/2007/12/you-shut-your-mouth-how-dare-you-say.html

So when I was caught in the abusive relationship with the Monster, I was not "allowed" to be friends with this lady, and even if I was, she was not interested in being my friend anyway as she did not approve of the relationship and kind of had the vision to see what was to come, that the relationship would end up violently if not tragically.

After all was said and done and I came to work broken, bruised and beaten, she came over to me and didn't really say I told you so, but expressed her sadness at what had happened and hoped I had learned and would finally stay away from this man. I did and I did.

We managed to slowly rebuild the friendship. It was difficult, as she had really felt I had hurt her, and I know that I did say some terrible things to her, but I was the one who was in the abusive relationship. I was the one who was forced to tell her things I did not mean because this horrible man was going to knock me across a room if I did not.

So fast forward to last week. She asked me to giver her a ride home as her car was in the shop and invited me to come to her house for a quick visit after work to have a glass of wine and see her Christmas tree. I gracefully accepted. Grateful that I would be welcomed in her home after all the pain and drama of the past year. As we sat chatting, I shared this gratitude with her and we got into a conversation on the rebuilding of our relationship and a few stories of past hurts, etc. At some point in the conversation, I extended an invitation to her and her partner to come to my house one day this week to come to my house and see my tree and maybe have a bite to eat. I did not realize she fully accepted this invite without consulting with her girlfriend and that it was set in stone, that the day would be today.

So now it is Christmas Eve, and Christmas, and a million things to do and a busy week and at some point during the week, I invited new guys parents to my house for dinner tonight, completely forgetting about the invitation I extended to my friend from work. I come back to work today and we are all catching up, and chatting and I mention that the new guys parents are coming for dinner and a few minutes later I get this email from my work friend:

"I need to just kind of “put this out there” because it’s a little unsettling to me that, well, I guess you totally forgot that you had invited me and *** to come over tonight to see your tree and “possibly meet new guy” – but of course you’ve made other plans. It’s awkward for me --and while *** asked me to thank you but said she couldn’t make it because she’s working until 8, I guess tonight when she asks what I ended up doing I can just make up some reason that I told you I couldn’t make it – or I could tell her that we were sort of uninvited because you’d made other plans – but in any case it puts me back to a place I don’t want to be in.

I wouldn’t say anything like this in front of ** (our officemate) but there’s no other time I’d be able to talk to you. I know I used the word “unsettling” but the truth is it’s just plain hurtful. On Tuesday you’d made it very clear that you were extending this invitation. I know I didn’t misunderstand it. I just don’t know what it means that you would just forget about it. "

So of course I sent back my deepest apologies, how flaky of me, how sorry, etc. Only to be followed up with a series of emails about how my behavior makes her vulnerable, and my friendship is conditional, etc. etc. etc. I acknowledge I was wrong in forgetting, but it was not purposely. And certainly never intended to be hurtful.

Ten emails or so later, I have been forgiven, but basically also made to feel like a total loser and bad friend and person. Since when did EVERYTHING have to be so much work? Am I wrong to feel a little miffed about this? Was what I did so awful? Is it no longer acceptable or in vogue to be human and make a mistake?

Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land...

2008-12-17T14:09:00.004-05:00

Last weekend, I met the new guys parents. Apparently I can really turn it on when I want to, as they loved everything about me. OK, maybe they are just happy that at 48 years old, he has found someone and he is happy.

I was ridiculously nervous. I felt like I was 18 years old and not 40 years old. I couldn't eat a thing all day. I spent hours trying on different outfits, feeling I had to look perfect. I could not understand why it was so important to me that they love me. I mean, clearly, it is better if they do, but still.

The meeting of his parents had started to become sort of a bone of contention with us. We have been seeing each other rather seriously for about 7 months. He spends alot of time with his parents and never invited me although his parents were quite anxious to meet me. I was a bit surprised when the last few weeks he kept asking me if we could go spend a few hours with his parents so I could meet them. I couldn't help but wonder why the sudden change of heart. Was it to appease his parents or me or was it because HE wanted me to meet them. His response was, that it was all three, and basically it was just the right time.

So my friends and family keep insisting that this is a really big "step" in our relationship, that this means we are serious, and he must be marriage minded, blah, blah, blah. I don't think this way at all. Although it did make me feel good that he brought me "home" so to speak. So yesterday he starts this weird little text message fight with me about the state of our relationship and how I seem increasingly unhappy and did I want to continue the relationship. WTF??

We talked it out, and I reassured him that I was very, very happy in this relationship and want very much to stay in it and that I will work harder at showing my feelings as I have a tendency to not let anyone in or to get to close for fear of them seeing the real me and not loving me anymore. Another character defect I am becoming aware of and going to work on removing.

So I guess I am a little afraid of how I am feeling, this is the most grown up relationship I have ever been in. This is a nice, gentle, good man that doesn't need me screwing with his head and his heart while I try to learn how to do this right and selflessly. I have to learn to not pick fights when I am feeling needy and instead ask to be reassured. I have to be willing to give the love I want back in return. I must realize that this isn't all about me, and I can not do things I know will hurt him. I have to be careful not to let this relationship take on a life of it's own and move at a pace I am not ready for. Like everything else in my life, I have to remember to take it one step at a time. And I have to remind myself to have fun and to not take it all so seriously.

So, OK, not one of my more interesting posts, but it is what is going on with me today. Love you all much!

My soul slides away, but don't lookback in anger...

2008-12-12T13:59:00.003-05:00

Today I am struggling with lots of angry feelings. Resentments and anger. When I made the decision to buy a house with my parents in order to help my father and upon his passing, be there for my mother, I knew it would not be an easy ride.

My mother and I are very close. More like sisters or friends than mother and daughter and this sometimes creates a problem within itself. You guessed it: boundary issues. For the most part we get along but lately there been a storm brewing slowly, yet powerfully, within our relationship beneath the surface.

I feel a certain level of resentment from her when I spend alot of time with the new guy. Mind you, I rarely go out with him if La Petit is home, usually only on the weekends when he is with his father or the one night during the week when he has dinner with him. On the opposite weekends, when La Petit is home with me, sometimes New Guy will come over, and so will the Prince and his G/F and we will all order a pizza, watch movies, play a game etc. So it is not interfering with La Petit and leaving him out of the loop. On those weekends when I feel my son needs alone Mommy time, I have no problem telling New Guy that I can't see him.

Earlier this week, I met my mother at a local mall after work to do some shopping. I had planned on meeting new guy afterwards for a quick dinner. My mother got a bit pissy saying why did I need to see him so much? And why during the week? And I understand she is lonely and sad, an alcoholic. I hate that I am feeling and acting selfish and childish, but I need to build a life of my own as well.

If the new guy issue was the only problem, I could deal with it. We own the house jointly and as such, share all of the household expenses equally. We have a joint account and we each contribute the same amount to it each month. This account has a debit card that my mother holds. We sometimes shop together for food and household items together and pay for it out of this account. More often than not, I do more of the food shopping, take car of the puppy's expenses, etc. on my own and pay for it out of pocket. I never think twice about this.

Recently upon reviewing the balances on our account, I came across some charges for a price club like store, and questioned the expenses. Mind you, it is not a matter of trust, I trust my mother one hundred percent, but I couldn't understand where 3 trip to price club at over a hundred dollars a pop in under a weeks time. I do not feel extra food purchases for my brother and Christmas shopping is something that should be paid for using our joint account.

We discussed it briefly and I thought the issue had been put to rest. I didn't intend to sound accusatory, and thought I was behaving responsibly by tracking my own finances. In the evenings, when my mother begins her wine consumption, she has been bringing up the conversation repeatedly and becoming defensive and argumentative about the situation. She is also starting to snip at La Petit and it is becoming a battlefield in my home. I left my husband for that reason, and I am simply incapable of living that way again.

I love my mother and hate to fight with her. I hate how I am feeling today. I need to find a way to step outside of my anger. This is a major character defect of mine. When I am upset, or sad or unhappy or unsatisfied, it turns to anger. And my anger is an ugly thing, I take it out on all of those around me and I can not shake it off easily. After feeling angry last night I lashed out at La Petit and while doing so I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and the woman looking back at me was a scary, scary person.

Why do you come here? And why do you hang around?

2008-12-10T10:23:00.002-05:00

Good morning all. Yes, I'm still around, just feeling incredibly lazy about blogging. I still check in with you all each morning though.

Having some really mixed feelings about the holidays and the loss of my Dad this past spring. I feel as though I should miss him more than I do. I keep having this same reoccurring dream about him, that he dies, we all go to his funeral, and then it turns out he wasn't really dead after all, and he is back, and then he just dies again. In the dream, I am thinking how my job just isn't going to believe this and won't give me the time off to go to his funeral again.

My father had been so sick for so long, that it was difficult to be around him. Painful almost. He suffered a massive stroke many years ago that left him paralyzed on his left side, then throw in the pancreatic cancer, numerous surgeries, and chemo therapy and it was like looking at the walking dead. It was difficult for him to get around, he walked with a cane, but very, very slowly. He fell more often then he did not. He lost control of his bowels not long before he entered the hospital for the last time. He would often vomit violently without notice and for hours on end. He had no life, and little dignity left for the last few years.

Being around made me anxious and nervous. I could barely stand to watch him fall. It just broke my heart to see him so sick, so broken. Although I miss my father, I am almost grateful that he is no longer with us. It just seems fairer that he is out of his misery, although he fought like hell to stay in this world. And that is where I feel so guilty.

I often long for the days of my early twenties when he was sick, but still functioned in life. My children were young, and although I was never happily married, I was content enough. Drugs, alcohol and addiction hadn't had their evil way with my family yet. Everything now is just, well, its just different. My mother is sad and lonely and drunk on wine most of the time. Her health isn't great and she doesn't seem to care. My Prince seems to be clean, I see him often enough, but I often have doubts if he is using by the hours he sometimes keeps. Sober people don't stay in bed till 5 or 6 in the evening on a Sunday, you know?

So I think I will throw out some gratitude for the things in the life that I do have to try to lift me up a bit this day.

That I have a job that should remain secure through the fiscal nightmare our country is going through.
La Petit having a better week in school so far and seems to be making a little more effort to take it a little more serious.
For the pretty red wrapping paper I am using to wrap all of my presents in. I haven't done that in a really long time and it just looks so elegant.
For the sweet man I am still dating. Taking it slow and easy in this relationship is nice.
The Prince having and maintaining a decent job. I don't think he fully understands how bad the economy and job market is, and how lucky he is to have a job in the first place.
For my precious puppy Saki, Sorry Lou, I am all about the my dog!! He is the love of my life and I have never been an animal person!
For good friends that don't turn heir backs on me because I as bad at returning phone calls as I am about keeping my blog up to date.
The gym membership I purchased a few weeks ago,haven't made it there yet, but I do have my gym bag in the car, just ready and waiting for me to get motivated.
For all of the great bloggers out there that continue to awe and inspire me with their experience, strength and hope.

On a routine expedition...

2008-11-20T14:53:00.002-05:00

Does anyone else remember this guy? Does anybody else ever wish that their fight for peace and survival in this world were more akin to that of the Marshall family fighting off humanoid insects and reptilian creatures instead of the real life drama in their lives? Sigh... maybe it's just me.

It's just another ordinary miracle today...

2008-11-14T15:14:00.003-05:00

My world is, for the moment, calm. Just dealing with the little everyday dramas that the working Moms of the world deal with everyday. No more, no less. Thankfully, also being the mother of an addict, I have nothing to report on that front.

The Prince seems to be doing OK. He is still working full-time. He called this morning asking if he had his own skis, as he was planning a ski trip in January with his girlfriend and some other couples. Planning a ski trip!!! Like a normal child! (I know I know, normal is relative) But still, it just made me feel good to hear him making plans to do something constructive.

I offered to borrow a set of skis from the man I am seeing, as he used to be an avid skier. The Prince graciously declined my offer, as he did not want to borrow some one elses skis in case something happened to them. Could this be... Responsible thinking??

As the summer days blended quietly into autumn, I have found myself spending more and more time with the new guy. Things are mostly good, and we are becoming rather comfortable together. Comfort finds me wanting to cook for him, and alot more nights on the couch watching movies and eating junk food. Comfort has me wearing my fat jeans to the office today as my normal work clothes seem to be shrinking at an alarming rate. I have always had body image issues and this is not good for me. Imagine my horror when my office mate told me yesterday that I was looking curvy and that I should maybe think up upgrading my clothing size!! Today, as she walked behind me back up the stairs after a fire drill, she whispered to me that she was going to start calling me "Big Butt". She tried to back it up, like now I finally have a butt and it looks good etc. But really? Who says these kinds of things? And now it could well make me not enjoy the amazing cheese fondue I have planned for tonight....

No more words...

2008-11-01T15:13:00.002-04:00

Courtesy wordle.net, I gave it my blog URL and it created this word cloud. Very insightful. Make your own.

So when you feel like hope is gone, Look inside you and be strong...

2008-10-31T13:32:00.007-04:00

I found this little blurb in the back of my date book this morning. I came across it a few years ago when my Prince was deep within his disease and I had taped it on my bathroom mirror, under my keyboard, and various other places so I could see it and read it often. It gave me much needed hope and comfort in those early days, long before I had the strength and power to learn to Let go and Let God.

These days my Prince is clean, not necessarily sober, he still drinks alcohol, but he is drug free, working full time, leading a productive life and we have built a loving adult relationship. I am extremely proud of him and all that he has overcome. I know enough that it will always be one day at a time with him, but I have learned to trust in him and keep the boundaries that are so necessary to continue to love him in a way that is healthy for us both.

Anyway, I thought I would share it with you all now in the spirit that it can give someone else the comfort it gave me.

*****

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T GIVE UP

That child who upsets you so much is the same little boy or girl who,

only yesterday gave you such joy.

They're in way over their heads,

and they never needed you quite as much

as they need you now.

No matter what they say.

*****

Wishing you all a safe, sober and Happy Halloween. Much love to you all!

What comes around, goes around...

2008-10-30T12:40:00.003-04:00

The monster who beat me a few months back is due back in court next week for sentencing. I have been asked to write a letter giving an overview of the relationship and detailing the abuse and subsequent impact on me since.

This is what I am sending them over today. Your comments, are most welcome.

XXX County Probation Department
Att: Officer XXX
County Seat Drive
XXX, NY 11111

RE: The Monster
Offense: March 10, 2008

October 30, 2008

Dear Officer XXX:

In the early hours of March 10, 2008, I was the victim of a physical assault, in my home, at the hands of the defendant, The monster, which resulted in his immediate arrest. I have been asked by Probation Officer XXX for a synopsis of my relationship with the defendant, my comments and recommendation as to his sentencing and the impact of the attack on my family and I.

I met the defendant, who was a friend of one of my relatives in the fall of 2007, as I was ending an 18 year marriage. We began seeing each other regularly, and within 2 or 3 weeks of seeing each other, the defendant proclaimed he loved me, and began requiring constant reassurance that he "mattered" to me. He needed and wanted to be important in my world. When we spent time together it was never enough. When I had to go home, he would become angry and sullen; disappointed that I didn't feel the same about leaving him. The defendant often stated that I clearly didn't love him as much as he loved me and if I did, I would dismiss my responsibilities and spend more time with him. When I went out with friends, he would find emergent reasons to call me and keep me on the phone while I was out, and then accuse me of making him look foolish in front of my friends. Insisting I inform my friends how much I was in love with him and how important our relationship was to me, that it was my priority. There was also constant warnings about not to speak to other men, because that would make me look like a whore, and how he "expected" that I would act appropriately as his "good little girl".

After I moved into my new house in November 2008, the defendant almost immediately moved himself in, without invitation. We fought a lot, and the fights tended to be the result of his jealousy and insecurity. According to the defendant, I spent too much time talking with son, or my mother, who lived in the house with me, and in his opinion I didn’t let my mother know just how important he was to me. He often complained I did not show enough affection in front of others and therefore I was being cold, distant and disrespectful. Every argument was the same, that I didn't treat him with enough respect, that I would make him look like a "chump" and that he was the best thing that has ever or will ever happen to me, and that I was going to loose him and I would be sorry for it. How I was going to end up an old lonely bitter woman.
Prior to my relationship with the defendant, I was married to the same man for 18 years. I married at a very young age to a gentle, non-confrontational man, and did not have a lot of experience with relationships or dating. As a result, I did not realize that the jealousy, rage, anger and violence the defendant directed towards me by the defendant, were signs of abuse, not love. These behaviors were controlling, emotionally and physically abusive, and as much as I wished it would change, that the defendant could change, it would not. I can see now, that allowing the defendant to stay in my life, and to continue the relationship with him were the result of my suffering from Battered Woman Syndrome.

The first “red flag” the defendant showed that I did not recognize as unstable behavior at the time, occurred when he would become angry, he would literally punch himself in the head, repeatedly. Sometimes with his fists, sometimes with a cell phone or with whatever he had in his hands. He once smashed my cell phone against his head, breaking it, when he saw that a platonic, male friend had called me. I was then instructed to call my friend and tell him we were not going to be friends any longer

The defendant would question me, to the point of harassment about my past relationships and my marriage. Demanding to know why I stayed married so long if my marriage was an unhappy one, and then he would insult me and say horrible things about me and how pathetic I was that I stayed with my ex-husband for so long, and then he would switch gears and insist that he bets that I stilled loved my ex-husband, and that I was a lying bitch, and how stupid I was for loving my husband at all.
As the relationship continued, his jealousy and insecurity grew. He expected, or rather, demanded me to despise my ex-husband and to cease any relationship with him or his family. He did not see any reason for us to communicate, and if for some reason I had to, it should be done in his presence and I should be nasty and hurtful to him.

During this time, adding to my vulnerability, my father was very sick and was living out what was to be his final days in the hospital suffering from Pancreatic Cancer. The defendant would not allow me to visit my father; in case my ex-husband was visiting and insisted I wait for him to make these visits. This often resulted in much shorter visits than I preferred with my Dad, and have left me deeply regretful as my father passed away in May of this year. When we weren’t together, the defendant would insist I spend as much time as possible speaking to him on the telephone. I was often late for work in the mornings, as he would insist I stay on the phone with him while he drove over an hour commuting to his job. He would expect me to be available to speak with him all day while I was at work, or while I was at lunch. I hold a responsible position as an administrator in a school district and this impacted negatively on my job performance at this time.
When we argued, he would insult my friends, my family, my clothes and my job. He would stop at nothing to make me feel little and awful. He knew my weaknesses and preyed on them. When we weren't fighting he would say he only said these things in anger and to hurt me because I hurt him so deeply and often. It was a vicious cycle that left me confused and hurt.The first real sign of violence occurred one evening we were having an argument, when he became enraged and smashed a wine bottle, shattering it, leaving a trail of broken glass across my kitchen, then went into my bedroom and smashed and broke my jewelry box and shredded some clothes I had just purchased.

On other occasions, he has smashed my car windshield, kicked numerous dents into my car, thrown and dumped my belongings around my bedroom and home while packing his clothes, tore down my closet organizers, spit on me, threw phones, glasses, and other items across the room and into walls. These incidents have been documented with prior police reports that are on file with the District Attorney.
The physical violence I endured, up to and including the final beating started with a smack across the face, being shoved a few times, to being strangled so violently that I was in the air with my feet dangling, confident that I was going to die. Being dragged out of a restaurant by my hair, face smashed into the car door. When he hit, it was usually with a closed fist to the eye. The last beating included repeated closed fist punches to the face, choking me, throwing me around and across the room, and numerous punches to my ribs and torso.

It is my absolute belief, if my mother were not at home at the time of the attack, and if she did not hear my screams and come to my aid, that the defendant could have and would have killed me. This is something I struggle to deal with on a daily basis.

As a result of the assault, I was out of work for a quite awhile. Upon my return, I wore sunglasses for over two weeks to try to hide the severely blackened eyes I suffered as a result of the beating. I was in physical pain for months, and I am still under the care of a chiropractor for the treatment of a herniated disk and other trauma that was done to my back and neck as a direct result of this attack. I still struggle to understand my own feelings about the battering. I no longer feel a sense of personal safety, and I suffer from feelings of helplessness and fear.

My 12 year old son was in the house during the assault, and although he thankfully did not wake up at the time, he is now in therapy trying to work through his fears and feelings of guilt as to not being able to come to my aide while this was happening. He worries constantly and lives in fear of someone trying to cause me harm or death. He suffers anxiety attacks and nightmares and can barely let me out of his sight.

As far as my recommendation to the courts in regard to his sentencing, I do not feel that I am in a position to make such recommendations, as I trust the court to prosecute the defendant to the fullest extent possible. However, I would like it stated for the record, that I am quite disappointed that the additional charges were dropped and the defendant will only be charged with assault. It is my opinion that the defendant is a menace, and is dangerous to himself and to others. I am confident that the court will continue the order of protection against him and the defendant will be punished accordingly and severely as it sees fit.

Sincerely,

S.O.S. Please someone help me...

2008-10-23T14:09:00.004-04:00

I just got an email from La Petite's guidance counselor, telling me that he was seen smoking yesterday afternoon, off school grounds and after hours. There will be no disciplinary action. What the Fuck do I do now??? Can anyone say.... gateway???

It's time to spread our wings and fly...

2008-10-21T15:02:00.002-04:00

I had planned on writing a light hearted post today on my lovely trip last week to Mexico. A trip I took with two friends of mine; we cross over 3 generations of women, I am 40, one is 53 and the other is 64. Chronologically speaking, one could be my sister, the other my mother. Each of us has become single over the last year for three very different reasons, I choose to leave my alcoholic husband of 18 years, the 53 year old lost her husband of 28 years to cancer, and the husband of the eldest of our group, left her for another woman after 43 years of marriage. Alas, this post will have to wait for another day.

Instead, I have some random thoughts that are quite honestly annihilating my ability to think straight, let alone function at my job. So, in living true to name of my blog, I need to share some of the things that truly lead me to believe... This can't be it...

Why oh why is it that I can not have a nice family meal with both of my children and my mother without the kids fighting, my blood pressure boiling and it just being miserable?

Why cant I accept the fact that I am not 20 years old any longer and any relationship I have with a man is not going to be all bells and whistles and I simply can not expect it to be all flowers and romance. But can I at least ask for an occasional flower?

Why is it that La Petit just cant seem to get his act together in school, at home, etc. And why oh why can I not learn to trust him just a little and stop blaming him for the sins of his brother?

Why am I constantly filled with this weird urgent sense of anticipation, when there is essentially, really nothing going on? What am I waiting for?

Why couldn't I have had the happy ending? The intact family? The loving husband, adoring children? The Ivy League education?

Why did my soul mate, whom I still communicate with daily via email, make a statement to me last week, while discussing his dissatisfaction with his life and his marriage, why did he choose the words, "this cant be it" to end his email? Did he find my blog or he is really my soul mate?

Why do I need constant reassurance from others that I am still pretty, smart, worthy? Why oh why can I not find it within myself?

Why did I allow that monster into my home, and into my life and to reap the damage he has done and he gets to just go about his business and I feel like a fool for it?

Why cant I just start over?

Vacation's all I ever wanted...

2008-10-20T15:22:00.006-04:00

I am back in the office today after a week long vacation to beautiful Mexico with two good friends I used to work with. Just popping in to say hello and will try to catch up with all your blogs and write a post worthy of your precious reading time.

So go ahead and get gone...

2008-10-07T10:31:00.005-04:00

La Petite is giving me alot of trouble lately. This is a bright kid, master manipulator, and the love of my life. However, he is pushing limits. He seems to have become fascinated with marijuana. I found an online screen name he created where his name is "Pothead". The little trollop that is his on again off again sweetheart sent him a text message stating that "La Petit is a pot head, but he is my pothead". I drug tested him randomly over the last week, and he is coming up clean. I think he thinks it is "cool" to talk about drugs and to pretend he uses them. We had gotten into a long conversation about how cool and funny it was when he brother destroyed his own life, our family life and the million other things he has done to hurt this family when he was using. It's always something.

I feel he is looking to find a place he belongs. Unfortunately, he knows alot more about drugs than most of his peers based on what he has seen. I honestly thought he would be so very against drugs. I know I may sound like I have my head planted deeply up my backside, cause we all know how easy it is to pretend this isn't happening to "my" kid. I know better. I am just going to ride his little butt like nobodys' business and he better hope I do not so much as catch him spitting on the sidewalk.

I am trying really hard not to freak out, lecture and loose my cool with this kid. I am trying to be understanding. But let me tell you, it just isn't easy. I find myself detaching already, not letting myself get set up for the pain this could cause me. Instead of freaking out, I have told him calmly, on more than one occasion, that if that is the path he chooses, that he might as well pack up his crap and move in with his father, and I will gladly write the child support check each week and let him deal with it.

He should know I am not playing. I threw out his brother and cut him out of my life for using on more than one occasion and also had no problem putting his father to the curb. Good parenting skills? Doubtful. Self preservation? Absolutely.

You got it in you, find it within you...

2008-10-03T11:09:00.004-04:00

Ok, so are y'all wearing your jeans today to support cancer? I was happy to pay $5 to wear jeans to work to support finding a cure today. My place of employment raised over $700 in just over an hour this morning. Yay us!

So yeah. 4 months and 3 days ago I lost my Dad to pancreatic cancer. A dear friend of one of my best friends, was diagnosed with Breast Cancer on June 18th of this year. June 20th she turned 40 years old. She has lymph node involvement, not a good thing. The Uncle of the man I am seeing, was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer a little more than 6 weeks ago. He is already in pain and is now in a wheelchair. It is highly unlikely he will see another Christmas.

I am sending prayers and love to those of you who have been touched with this other awful disease besides the disease of addiction we battle every day. So this is all I have to say today kids. Lets find a cure!!

(BTW, I am such a new yorker, I never say y'all in real life, I just love it!!!)

I bet you think this song is about you...

2008-09-24T13:04:00.007-04:00

Judith at Vicarious Rising tagged me. I don't know why it makes me feel so special to be tagged, but it does!! I'm sure I have done this one before, but I will do it again anyway, just cause Judith loves me enough to have asked....

Here are the rules:

1. Link the person who tagged you.

2. Mention the rules on your blog.

3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.

4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.

5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

Six Unspectacular Things About Me

I am a bed snob. I have yet to sleep in a bed that I feel is on par with my own. I have the most fabulous over sized king bed that my friends tease me is comparable to that slept in by the Princess in the old fable, the Princess and the Pea. I spend a ridiculous amount of money on high thread count sheets, soft blankets, and pillows. I always sleep with at least one bottle of water and my cell phone next to me, or usually hidden under a pillow. I still don't sleep very well and rarely sleep through the night.
It took me well over 30 minutes to figure out how to create the link above to Judith's blog. I am feeling ridiculously proud of myself for doing so, and this feeling of pride will likely last all day and set the tone for a much better afternoon. Some times, it really is all about the little things.
I love fresh cut flowers, but hate roses. I almost always have a vase of cut white flowers on the nightstand next to my (fabulous) bed in my room and a bouquet in the living room. They don't have to be expensive and they rarely are. I usually buy them from the grocery store and I love the way they look poking out from my shopping bag. Flowers just make me smile on the inside.
I dress well, but do not and have not ever really had a style or a look of my own. I always aspire too, but my look is basically pretty simple, in the summer I usually wear almost all white, and the winter, its pretty much all black.
I am also incredibly anal retentive when it comes to my clothes and my closets. My closes are color coordinated. It starts on one end with white blouses and goes through a spectrum of colors until it reaches the black blouses. It makes my life a lot easier and I love to look at all of my clothes all in order. I also keep my shoes in their original shoe boxes and have a collection that could be considered the poor girls Imelda collection.
My children are not gifted. They are just ordinary, no special talents, not particularly good students, not athletically inclined. But to me they are the most amazing creatures on this Earth. Sometimes when I can feel how much they love me too, I think I may just burst with joy.

So that's some more unspectacular little things you didn't need to know about me, so lets hear some unspectacular stuff from: Misery Marketing, my bestest BFF Tab, Wife of Dingus, Skillz, Beth and Cat. Have fun y'all.

Shut up, shut up, Don't wanna hear it...

2008-09-23T09:19:00.002-04:00

On my drive into the office this morning I had a long phone conversation with a good friend. Actually, she is married to one of my cousins. Her husband is the brother of my cousin who introduced me to the monster last year. In order to simplify this, I will call her, Buzz.

Buzz and I are the youngest of 21 first cousins in our family. I am just a little more than a year older than her. We were always rather close growing up. She has 5 older brothers and no sisters. As I also have only a brother, so we were sort of like sisters growing up as our families were very close.

As we grew up, we began to develop our own form of sibling rivalry. Her parents did not have alot of money for extras, as they were raising 6 children, whereas my parents, both worked, and there was only my brother and I, she therefore felt like I had it easier and better. We were both married and had children at around the same time. My two children were born six years apart, and I was able to buy a house before the birth of my second child. She had her three children within 4 years of each other and lived with her parents until they could afford to rent a small house.

She was a very poor money manager and did not want to work. They were always behind in their rent, phones and electric turned off, etc. It bothered her that I did not endure the same problems. She drank alot, ate alot. Never lost her baby weight. Jealousy started brewing and kind of tainted our relationship over the years. We would go through fazes of spending time together, speaking regularly, and then she would feel some unwarranted anger towards me. Then she would go out of her way to bash me and spread gossip and lies about me throughout the family.

Fortunately for me, most people in our family know what she is like and that she has a big problem telling the truth, and so it never really bothered me much. My regret here, is that I usually ended up forgiving her and moving past the drama and reconnecting. This is how I ended up meeting the monster.

She was friends with him and encouraged the two of us getting together. That is, until he and I were together. Suddenly she wasn't so happy about it. She basically trash talked him to me and trash talked me to him. Ultimately, we once again stopped speaking.

After the Monster beat me, she sent me a brief email inquiring if I was OK and I replied, that No, I most certainly was not. No response form her. Whatever. Fast forward to now. The friend I spoke to this morning has informed me that Buzz, is telling anyone that will listen various versions of the story of why I was beaten. One version states that I was jumping on his back, scratching his eyes out and putting cigarettes out on his body and he had to "knock" all 100lbs of me off of him to protect himself. Another version states that we were fighting over drugs (!) and that is how it started. Another version states it was all exaggerated and I knew the cops, was probably sleeping with the cops, and that is how I got him arrested, because I was madly in love with him and he was trying to break up with me.

I am furious. I am indignant. I mean who the F is this person to talk trash about me when she has no idea at all about what happened? A part of me wants to call or email her and defend myself. Tell the truth, set the record straight. I realize, clearly, that this cousin is one sick puppy and I need to never reconnect with her again. She has issues. Issues that I don't feel comfortable sharing here. Kind of like, don't want to sling any mud when she cant defend herself, you know?

I am just feeling very hurt and can not believe that this person has nothing better to talk about than what happened to me, at the hands of her friend. We all know the old saying, there are three sides to every story, his, mine and the truth. It irritates me that she feels compelled to spread this nonsense about me without at least attempting to hear my side of the story.

Buzz is getting married again in a few weeks. The monster is in her wedding party. This is creating quite a stir within the family. People who I have never told about the beating. She is the person who made sure everyone in the family knew what happened. So, I am now, once again, the subject of gossip and lies, not to mention it is being said that I got what I deserved.

I cant help but feel angry and want to defend myself. And then this morning, when I arrived at work, the following "recipe" was in my email in box:

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.

2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Talk to God about what is going on in your life. Buy a lock if you have to.

3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to __________ today. I am thankful for______________'

4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants. 5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli , almonds & walnuts.

6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.

7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.

8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.

9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

12. You are not so important that you have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.

14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'

17. Forgive everyone for everything.

18. What other people think of you is none of your business.

19. GOD heals everything - but you have to ask Him.

20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

21. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch!!!

22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________ Today I accomplished _________.

24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.

25. When you are feeling down, start listing your many blessings. You'll be smiling before you know it.

I feel better already!

What I want, is to find my place...

2008-09-17T11:29:00.006-04:00

So the cutie pies above, they are MY babies. Princess is on the left, I share "custody" of her with the Prince. On the right is Sake, he is the love of my life. The puppies below, well, I just thought they were cute and smiley. Sorry for the confusion.

I have been caught all up in my own head alot lately. This is definitely not a good thing. I rarely feel light and happy any more and always feel as though there is something scratching beneath the surface of my brain.

I have been feeling very sad and longing for different times. Days when I was younger and happier and when my life still held surprises and hope. I know I sound rather dark and morbid, quite honestly, that is how I am feeling.

It saddens me when I look at my life, the life of children, and my family. My mother is a widow at 63. She is an alcoholic. She wants to retire. It seems as though she is unsure and incapable of rebuilding a life for herself without my Dad. She has no desire to stop drinking. Her life consists of getting up, going to work, coming home and waiting for it be early enough to open the wine.

My brother is going to be 43 years old in November. He is a diabetic who has lost 3 toes and much of his foot due to his disease. He still has a gaping hole on the bottom of his foot from the last amputations and it is still not healing. They have tried everything, and still it will not close. It is likely that he will lose the foot and his lower leg as a result. He is collecting SSI as he is unable (unwilling?) to work. He has less than five thousand dollars in the bank to get him through, well, basically the rest of his life unless he wins lotto or my Mom dies and he gets an inheritance. He is divorced from his first wife, whose young son believes my brother is his father. This is a good thing because his mom is an alcoholic/addict. My brother may be a mess, but at least he is a constant in this boys life. This boy, my nephew, has begun his own journey down the path we all know so well: failing/cutting school, smoking pot, a few beers now and then, breaking into my bros house when they were away on vacation, etc. He is 14 years old. My brother is just too sick and too tired (lazy?) to know what to do to help him. Been there, done that.

My younger son, La Petite, seems to be going through a slight depression. I have a sinking suspicion, that the summer girlfriend (little miss likes to take half naked pics of herself) has moved on and left him in the dust. Why this pleases me, it devastates to see him in pain, and we all know how those of us that carry the "gene" deal with pain... why we self medicate of course, and I am just scared to death that this is the path he will choose. The easy road.

I know I am powerless over the decisions and choices the people around me make. I can only control my own choices, and to be brutally honest, my own choices haven't been all that great lately. I have been drinking too much, and it frightens me a little. I too am finding it easier to just have a few glasses of wine and not think about the problems in my life. I have become the friend who always wants to have just one more glass of wine, before going to coffee. I have started to want a glass of wine or two before going out with the new guy to calm my nerves or so I feel more comfortable. All red flags, I know. And so not the example I want to set for La Petite.

I actually attended an open AA meeting a few weeks back. I was pretty quiet, sat alone in the back and did get up to introduce myself and accepted a desire coin. The few of my friends that I told thought I was crazy when I told them. I am not so sure. Do I believe I am an alcoholic? Again, I am not so sure. I know I have the potential, and I know I can drink too much. I also know this summer, there were more days in a row of drinking wine than there were sober. So I am currently abstaining. I will keep you posted on this latest twist.

Even though I have much more to share today, I will leave it at that, and try to get back into the habit of writing each day, because it is so cathartic for me and it is nice to know that are alot of you out there that follow, read and care. Much love to all of you. It means so much.

So Please, Love Me Do...

2008-09-16T14:55:00.003-04:00

Ok, so, can someone please sign up to be a follower on my blog?

You can't always get what you want..

2008-09-12T10:26:00.002-04:00

It's over. He plead guilty. I will not have to go to trial and I will not have to face him. When the monster arrived at court he thought he was still going to push this and try to get over. That is until the arresting officers arrived in court behind him. His lawyer advised immediately that he plead guilty. That going to trial was not something he wanted to do, he had no shot, no chance of beating these charges.

He will be sentenced on November 6th. My order of protection will remain in place for 5 years. The DA asked the judge for jail time. It is very unlikely the judge will do that. He said she is leaning more towards a very long term probation, as he is a "menace" and she wants to be able to monitor him. He will also be required to attend some kind of anger management and substance abuse classes. I will receive restitution for the damages done to my home. I am going to write the judge a letter asking her to reconsider and at least give him a little jail time, and to consider awarding restitution for my out of pocket medical expenses and the locksmith costs for changing my locks. He said it is possible. He said it is also something the probation department will consider as part of the terms of his probation.

I am pleased with the outcome. I would have been more pleased if he had been sentenced to, I don't know, maybe a public lynching? But he had to stand in front of the judge and say he was guilty of all the charges, and that is what I wanted. OK, I still want the public lynching too, but still.

I thought I would feel more vindicated. I don't. Yes, I am glad it is over. I have closure. But I am sad. Sad still, that this was done to me. Sad that these things happen every single day with much, much worse outcomes. I am lucky to have gotten out of this alive. I know this. I am just not a violent person and I still have a hard time comprehending this whole thing. It is all still a blurr to me. Little bits and pieces of memories that I can not fully focus on because it makes me absolutely cringe to remember it. That I would allow myself to be treated that way. So many months of such abuse.

But, it is finally over. Another chapter closed. Getting stronger every day.

When she couldn't hold, oh, she folded...

2008-09-09T14:09:00.002-04:00

Just want to say Thanks to all of you for your advice and support regarding La Petit on my last post. It means alot.

Not sure where this post will go today. I'm in kind of a cranky, mad at the world, feeling really anxious kind of mood. Can't seem to get back into a schedule or a routine with the back to school thing. Caught La Petit in a lie last night, straight on, boldface lie. Said he did his math homework, on the bus, and threw out the paper where he showed the work. Long story short, he couldn't do the work so he looked up the answers in the back of the book and just copied them down in frustration.

Am I such a nasty evil mom that he is afraid to come to me to ask for help? I had no problem siting with him for an hour helping him through it, that is, after I dug deep into the trenches of my memory to recall eight grade algebra. I actually really enjoyed sitting with him and think he got alot out of it. I just cant understand his thinking that he would rather get in trouble for not doing/showing the work, not asking for help and falling further behind and just setting the stage for a really lousy year in school.

Tomorrow the monster that beat me a while back has his final court hearing before it is determined if the case will go to trial. I think this is really contributing to my stress and anxiety today. I have a very strong case against him. The Assistant DA handling my case said this is one of the lead cases in my county right now because he really has no shot of beating it if he chooses to continue to plead not guilty and insists on going to trial. This makes me feel alot better and very proud of myself for going forward and pressing charges. What he did to me was just so wrong. I am still not over it or OK from it. I don't know if I ever will be. However, truth be told I am not looking forward to having to face him in court. I will have to testify and I will be frightened. An order of protection is just a piece of paper and I know this monster and I know he thinks he is going to walk away from this or I will back down, and when both of those things don't happen, I am not sure what he will do.

So this is me, today, just trying to stay positive and remind myself, this too shall pass.

I've got soul, but Imm not a soldier...

2008-09-04T14:52:00.002-04:00

La Petit started back into his last year of middle school earlier this week. I was feeling really good about it and about him, he really seems to be a in a good place. His self confidence and self esteem really elevated from this time a year ago. He was excited about the new year and looking forward to working harder and doing better.

He had a wonderful summer at camp. Things in our lives are much calmer since the departure of the Monster from our lives, since the Prince moved out and ceased communication with us and his grandfather, my father, passed away early summer. La Petit met a little girlfriend at camp. They were actually voted the cutest couple at the end of the summer. Very "Summer Lovin" from Grease...

La Petit takes Adderrall for his ADHD. A choice of meds I did not decide upon lightly, considering it is a known drug of abuse, it can be habit forming, etc. I filled his script on Monday evening before he was to start back at school on Tuesday. I counted to pills in the bottle (old habits die hard) and started him back on his meds Tuesday morning.

Yesterday, we were up early and going about our normal regular school and work day routine. I normally leave La Petits lunch money and his meds and vitamin on a paper towel on my kitchen counter. He switched things up yesterday by telling me he took his meds already. Something about that didn't sit right with me so I grabbed the bottle as I was walking out the door. I did a recount when I arrived at my office and there were 27 pills in the bottle instead of the 28 that should have been there.

OK, time to go into panic mode. Another teenager, hitting up the pills, shoot me now. I called him on his lunch break and asked how many pills he took in the morning, he said one. I asked then why was there a missing pill. He said he didn't know. Then he said oh yeah, one dropped down the drain. I don't really believe it but cant prove otherwise. I need to remember that counting pills is only effective when the pills are locked up and out of reach.

I come home last night and I am still really upset and I kind of tear apart his room looking for something or nothing in particular and decide that I am going to confiscate his cell phone since he seems to be up till all hours of the night texting his girlfriend.

Snoopy mom that I am I decide to check the cell phone texts. Smart like sucker that he is, he already erased them all anticipating this move on my part. Its kind of like a sick little dance that is all too familiar to me. For me it was like stepping back onto the dance floor and the steps just falling into place. For La petit, it must have been learned by osmosis from seeing his brother and I dance these same steps for so long. This little boy is not the innocent he portrays himself to be. His acting skills, however, are brilliant, absolutely brilliant!!

My next checkpoint on the cell phone is checking his pics. Where I discover pics his little barely thirteen year old girlfriend sent him of her self. She is half naked, beyond provocatively posed and practically pulling off her panties in these pics. As in, little Miss cant keep her panties on.

OK, so WTF?? Seriously??

Falling away from me...

2008-08-28T10:43:00.002-04:00

As my beautiful blogger buddy Tab pointed out to me in a comment left on my last post, I have not felt so inspired in my blogging lately. This has nothing to do with troll boy, and everything to do with not feeling so inspired in my life lately. I still spend a great deal of time each day reading the posts of all of my blogger buddies, although not always feeling compelled to comment. But trust that I am here, following your lives, your struggles, your conquests and journeys. I still feel deeply connected to so many of you.

As the summer comes to an end, and it's time to begin another school year, I am reminded of all of the changes in my life over the last year. Change is something I tend to be quite ambiguous about. Often I embrace and seek out change to try to satisfy some need deep within myself, to feel something, anything. A change in the scenery, new homes, new jobs, new friends, new experiences. Usually, as I said, to dull the aching pain I often feel deep within myself.

I'm sure it won't surprise any of you that this has not worked out very well for me. I have yet to come to terms with the very real concept that I have to find happiness within myself, it will not come from a new house, a new job, a new man, etc. I can keep on running and searching and hiding and acting like a chameleon, but it isn't going to make me happy.

So, the tale usually unfolds the same way. I make some big changes and think I will finally feel the happiness that I so desperately seek. For a while, I feel OK. And then I am once again alone with myself, maybe in a different place, but I'm still there. It's me that I cant seem to get away from. Not everyone else.

Whatever happened is over now for you...

2008-08-18T08:53:00.003-04:00

And the troll has been visiting, comment moderation enabled.

<<>>

I need you to need me...

2008-08-10T15:31:00.004-04:00

Syd suggested this: Type your name and "needs" into Google to see what 10 things come up. I wasn't tagged directly, but decided since I was just vegging here on the computer, I would play along, although I am quite sure the last thing any of you guys NEEDS is a double post from me, on a Sunday no less!!!

Kel needs to get a few things (hmmm... new shoes?)

Kel needs a photographer. (to photograph me in my new shoes?!)

Kel needs to return. (oh no! not the new shoes!)

Kel needs to be on tv again. (I wasn't aware that I ever needed to be on tv in the first place...)

Kel needs a man. (hmm, how apropos, please see my last post!)

Kel needs to find his (her) inner caveman. (Didn't know I lost my inner caveman!)

Kel needs to be more organized. (oh, how true, how true...)

Kel needs a little excitement. (not so much, I think grounding is more like it)

Kel needs to man up and admit he (she) did wrong. (sigh, once again please see my last post...)

Kel needs professional help. ('nuff said...)

Happy Sunday y'all and feel free to consider yourself tagged if you want to play along...

Take one step at a time, no reason to rush...

2008-08-10T15:20:00.003-04:00

I am not in such a good place in my head right now.

I am making a mess of the few good things I have in my life because I am needy, insecure and just plain broken.

I have been dating a nice man, a good man, a man with some issues of his own but issues that are by far way less than the freight train of baggage that I carry around with me.

I do believe I managed to screw it up this weekend, because I was feeling needy and insecure and was unable/unwilling to communicate and articulate my feelings and instead shut down, and shut him out and went back to my old game playing ways.

This man is 48 years old and doesn't do the game playing thing and I am pretty sure I have screwed it up permanently.

Ohhh, kel. Will you ever learn??

The more I see the less I know, the more I'd like to let it go...

2008-08-04T14:04:00.002-04:00

Still no word or contact from or with the Prince. I would be lying if I said I didn't miss him and that I worry about him and want to just call him and hear his voice. But there is the stubborn part of me that just won't. I mean, I am the adult here, and I think an adult conversation with him is called for. But I know it will be fruitless. He is going to do whatever it is he is going to do, and I can not get passed the way he treated me that evening. {{{sigh}}} Going to try to let go and let g-d.

I spend way too much of my time worrying about the future and La Petit. Will he choose the same road as his brother? He has pretty severe ADHD and although he is quite capable, he does not do as well in school as he should. He is a bit lazy and just wants to have fun. He is a real homebody, prefers to be home than to be out with friends. His play time is usually spent with close friends that I am friends with the Moms and we do things together, or family etc. He did ask to go to a movie Friday with a friend but I had made other plans and would not be available to pick him up and he wanted to walk home the mile from the movie theatre at 9:30 pm. I would not allow it. Then I felt guilty. But I just don't think a boy who turned 13 less than a week ago should be walking the streets alone at 9:30 at night.

Sometimes he is this sweet little boy, without a stitch of body hair (or man hair as I like to call it) dancing around my house, making soap "potions" and singing in the shower, snuggling in bed with his Mom. And then sometimes he catches serious at-ti-tude and I see the teenager starting to emerge, and it just scares me. I so can not go through that again, and I know there is nothing I can do to stop it.

I also suffer from parent envy. I see the kind of parents some of my friends are and I feel I just don't measure up and their kids seem so much more together because of it. I mean, is my the only kid around who isn't in the gifted and talented program? Who isn't on the honor roll? Who isn't a local star athlete?

Nope, I am the mother of a drug addict. A member of the elite broken-hearted-moms club (credit to you, Lou; for giving us this apropos title!) My youngest son, the jury isn't in yet, but I can not help but wonder if it was my parenting skills (or lack there of) that have left my children to reap what they must sow.

Alcoholism runs deeply through our veins. So throw some genetics in there and I just feel, well, doomed.

So, anyway, I'm staying in the day, in a I wish I was someone else kind of way...

Let's get to the point, let's smoke another joint...

2008-07-30T11:45:00.002-04:00

"Marin said he thinks dope humor can be as funny today as it was back in the '70s.
"I think it's time for a revival of dope jokes. It's a much bigger audience now, it's much more widespread and institutionalized," he said in an interview earlier this month."

This is a direct quote taken from a newsite about the reunion gig of Cheeech and Choong. Dope humor needs a comeback? There is a bigger audience?? Widespread? As in acceptable?? Are they f-ing kidding me?

Drugs are stronger, more prevalent, cheaper and more dangerous than ever before. So lets make it really funny and sound like its even funner to do because our kids don't already have enough peer pressure.

I just don't understand the world sometimes. I really don't.

There's a new kid in town...

2008-07-25T09:37:00.003-04:00

Good morning and Happy Friday!! Received a really great, supportive comment from a newly sober/new blogger yesterday. Why not stop by and show her some love from our great little community??

http://healthyhappyandsober.blogspot.com/

I like studying faces in a parking lot, cuz it doesn't remind me of anything...

2008-07-24T12:08:00.002-04:00

Today I am feeling frustrated. I am feeling angry with the Prince that he has not called to apologize for his behavior. Which means he doesn't think he is wrong. I am torn as to whether I should call him or wait it out. My gut is telling me to wait it out. He is leaving today for a short vacation down to the coast in MD with his g/f, La Petit, his dad, grandmother and Aunt. His dad's family. I am very pleased that their father is finally remembering he has a family and doing something with them and his family is participating. I am also banging my head against a wall because once again, the Prince is being rewarded and enabled. He is still not working and not even looking for a job. His grandmother must still be buying him his cigarettes and supporting him. So lets take him on vacation because he must be exhausted from partying all night and sleeping and/or doing nothing all day. He certainly deserves a vacation doesn't he?

My mom is going to have dinner with my brother and his girlfriend tonight. They haven't spoken since the blowout on my birthday (one month ago today). My mom has called him daily and he does not return her phone calls. His girlfriend set it up. My mom will bring him all of my dads jewelry and what ever other belongings my brother DEMANDED at the funeral. My brother will trash talk me all night, cry about how broke he is, even though he also does not work, he will complain about his health although he refuses to take care of himself, and my mother will walk away from the evening sympathetic to him and I will look like a martyr, as usual. Whatever.

I hate that my family is so dysfunctional. I really and truly hate it. I need to do some work on myself. I have to go back to detaching and letting go. To not owning other peoples crap. To continue to try to build the life I want for myself. To give up on the pity party and get on with it. Any volunteers out there to give me a good swift kick in the butt to set a fire up under me??

Come back, come back, don't walk away...

2008-07-21T12:59:00.002-04:00

Had a big nasty blow out with the Prince this weekend. I invited him and the g/f over for a BBQ. However, I told them there would be rules and boundaries. No smoking in the house, when smoking outside of the house an ashtray must be used at all times (one would think this is a no brainer), "inside voices" should be used at all times even though we would be sitting out back by the pool, the f-bombs should be kept to a minimum, and there was to be absolutely no drama. NO DRAMA.

As if. The day started off OK, except he refused to respect the using of an ashtray rule and decided it was OK to bring a cigarette into the pool. Then he thought it would be OK to set off a firecracker in my backyard. Then after being told as nicely as I could muster that this was unacceptable behavior, he did it again but from my upstairs deck, dangerously close to my neighbors house, my neighbors with 4 young children that don't particularly care for me to begin with. They would walk away from the table and leave their dishes sitting there. He left his soaking wet bathing suit on my wood floors. Ditto his pool towel. Then the drama began. The g/f and him were having an argument that was causing alot of in and out of the house, slamming of deck doors and numerous walks down the block to argue.

This is when I pulled the plug and told them it was time to get picked up. The party was over. Now he starts ranting and screaming and trying to grab beer to take with them. He then started with the F- yous and how he would see me at the next holiday and what a f-ing bitch I am.

Smells like using behavior to me...

The news slows, people forget...

2008-07-14T14:10:00.004-04:00

Locally, where I live, there has been a marked increase in the recreational use of a purer, more dangerous form of heroin. Small heroin rings have been busted as close as 8 miles from my home. A young girl of 18 overdosed shortly after her graduation last month, in the town I moved from last year. A young man, from a "good" family (as if it matters...) in that same neighborhood was arrested over the weekend for possession and intent to sell heroin. A boy we knew from the area, had been clean for a good year or two when the Prince was actively using, bonce brought my drunken, pilled up, passed out son safely to our home. I read two weeks ago that this kid was arrested for selling heroin.

Heroin was not my sons DOC. He used it a few times that I know of. (key words- THAT I KNOW OF) One time included an almost fatal overdose. The Prince's current poison is alcohol.

But basically, where I was trying to go with this, is that our newspapers, sort of kind of reported these stories some where deep within there pages. Articles that included information that was given to local school districts to be aware of this ever increasing LOCAL problem. That the schools should be more involved, more informed, in closed communication with the parents when they see a kid is in trouble. To take the shame out of this and bring it to the dinner table. That bad things DO happen to good kids. You know, the kind of things those of us with addicts as children have been screaming about for years.

My question is this. Why oh why does the birth of Brangelinas twins get front page coverage and this stuff just gets buried somewhere deep within the paper? I mean seriously folks, am I the only one who could give a damn less about these babies and the millions of dollars their first photos will fetch??

Somethings at the edge of your mind, you dont know what it is...

2008-07-08T14:14:00.002-04:00

Alot of blogging to catch up on, but alot of work to catch up on too, so I am going to just throw out a list on some of the things that have been happening and will elaborate more when I have some time.

> I have finally, at long last, come to realize I do not need a man in my life to make me happy. I am having so much fun this summer spending time with girlfriends, old and new and just having fun.

> It is still nice to have a man attracted and interested in you and I am learning how to date without jumping into a serious, sexual relationship.

> I do kind of miss the sex thing though. LOL

> Going to see a show on Broadway is just about the most wonderful way to spend a Saturday afternoon. Seeing a show starring the Fabulous Ms. Patti LaPone just brings it to a whole other level. They really just do not make good old fashioned stars any more. She is brilliant. I had goosebumps. She is a demi-god and I worship her. Seriously.

> Spending a long summer weekend at the beach with La Petit and his best friend, making smores by a bonfire, walking along the beach watching the sunrise, root beer floats in town... just blissful.

> Learning to spend within my means, closing all of my credit card accounts and living on a cash only policy is humbling. But if feels good to not have any credit card debt.

> Letting go of the ones we love does not get any easier, but it must be, even when you think you can take them home and keep them on the right path. It is in G-ds hands now and I can still love him and have a relationship with him. On my terms.

> Bullies suck. Even more so when they are your own brother and they continue to verbally and emotionally abuse your mother.

> Being a single mom and teaching a friend who is also about to be a single mom how to pump their own gas (seriously), well, it's just good to pass on even the simplest of lifes little pleasures to help one of my own get a little stregnth.

> Alcohol. {{{sigh}}} It is destroying my family on some level, one of us at a time. I am even starting to have some concerns about my own imbibing. And as we all know, normal drinkers dont ever worry about their drinking.

> The best advice I could ever offer anyone is to relish every moment with your loved ones. When they are gone, you will miss them more than words can say.

Hope you are all well and taking some time out to enjoy the lazy days of summer.

Leave, but don't leave me...

2008-06-26T10:33:00.002-04:00

The weekend after I buried my Father, was also the last weekend the Prince was living home with me. He is still drug free, we still speak to each other almost daily, and I still see him often. It is just that we aren't meant to live together. As sad as that makes me.

Being a drug addict, mind you a drug addict who is not currently using, the Prince has long ago mastered the art of manipulation and bullying as a tactic to getting his way. He loves to play the victim, make it all about him.

He very quickly got very comfortable living at my house. Part of the arrangement was he was to secure some kind of employment. He has yet to do so. So I was supporting him and his girlfriend. They would leave me shopping lists of the foods they wanted, they were ordering movies daily off of the pay per view. I was paying for their cigarettes. His sobriety is always so important to me and I felt I was doing what I had to do to keep him clean. Right back to the old enabling ways.

When they first moved in, they made sure to have the house clean before I arrived home from work and to at least start dinner and help La Petit with his homework. The clean house thing is a serious pet peeve of mine. Its my house, I work hard, I like, no I demand it to be kept the way I leave it. So I started coming home to a sink full of dishes, computer wires etc., running through the house, overflowing ashtrays, their room just disgusting and smelly. I was started to really loose it, and it was creating a lot of tension. Especially since he was not looking for work, the only interviews he had gone on, were ones I set up for him. The girlfriend managed to find herself a part time gig at a local supermarket.

The day after my Father passed, to go the funeral parlour to make the arrangements for his wake, my former mother in law was taking my boys shopping to get suits. This created a conflict about who was going to pick up the girlfriend from her job at 4 pm. This healthy, 18 year old girl is apparently unwilling or unable to walk the 2 miles from the supermarket to our home or inconvenience her own family to pick her up. My son called me furious that I had the audacity to be at the funeral parlour and was therefore unavailable to play chauffeur to his girlfriend.

Later in the week, during the wake etc., my Prince had reconnected with alot of his cousins he hadn't seen during all of the years he was out getting high. He started making plans to get together with alot of them. The day after my fathers burial, I was very, very happy to have the out of town relatives, etc., pack up and go home. I am basically a quiet person, I needed my space and quiet. Time alone to work through my feelings and my loss. The Prince tells me his cousin from the East end was going to be coming out and spending the weekend. I told him, no, that was going to happen, this was not a family reunion. He was not going to use my father's death to throw a party for his long lost cousins. He got angry with me. Whatever. So I asked him if he could spend the weekend at his girlfriends house just so I could have some peace. They grudgingly obliged. He stopped in over the weekend to pick up some clothes and he saw that La Petit was home, he was somehow under the impression that he would not be "allowed" in the house for the weekend either. He flipped out and said, "I'll see you in a few months" and stormed out of the house.

I was deeply hurt by his behavior. He was just so hurtful and mean to me. I couldn't believe it. I felt as though I was punched in the face. The old Prince, although clean, was rearing his ugly head. I wish I could say that I miss him living with me, but when he is there, there is no peace or serenity. And I worked too hard to have that in my home.

Well it's my birthday too...

2008-06-24T15:41:00.003-04:00

Happy Birthday to me.

Today I turn 40 years old.

Is that really possible?

My eyes are open, and I am ready to move forward.

Never be down, I said don't ever, cause its gonna keep 'em hanging around...

2008-06-20T11:34:00.003-04:00

Apologies to anyone who is still reading my blog for my complete slacking off in posting. There has just been too much going on, too many emotions to sort out, too much life getting in the way with life, you know?

First off, thank you for all of your kind words of support and sympathy for the loss of my Father. I am taking it one day at a time and trying to work through my feelings and grief. I am quite sure I am supressing my feelings, because while I often feel sad, it has not completely sunk in that I will never see my Dad again, it is as though he is still in a nursing home or a hospital somewhere and I will get to see him this weekend. Only he is not, and I will not.

I was going to update on all of the things going on for me in this post, but I think I will stick with where I started. I would like to share with you some of the things I learned when I lost my father.

--> Its true when they say you really do not know who your friends are until a tragedy strikes. I have come to realize there are people in my life that I thought would alwasys be there because we have "history", we go back a long way, etc. Well, they call, they show up at the appropriate time and place, but that doesnt mean they are "there" for you.

--> It is also true that there are some friends who will just blow you away with their loyalty and love for you. People who you would not expect to be bothered, show up and become the Rockstars. It is those friends and people in my life that I am grateful for.

--> Family, {{sigh}} Can't pick 'em, can't kill 'em. My brother could not be bothered to come to the funeral home with us to choose th casket and make the arrangements. He was not feeling "well" and it was just too uncomfortable for him. Cause really, I mean, can you even think of a better way to send the first Saturday in June????

--> My brother also sat in the Widows Chair at the wake, like the Godfather himself waiting for the visitors to come forward and kiss his ring. I mean seriously. We are Irish for Petes sake!

--> He then spent the time in between the wakes harassing my mother about when he would be receiving all of my father's jewelry. Harassing her to the point of bringing her to tears. I am still just beyond upset about this and have come to realize that my brother and I will never have a relationship of any kind, especially once my mother passes. He is just disgusting as far as I am concerned. My mother also offered to give him $2,000 from the insurance settlement. His response? "Is that all?" Did you ever???

I can actually go on and on with stories about that week, but it is really upsetting me more than I thought and I just don't want to go there.

I hope you are all well and sober and healthy.

Praying for the healing rain, to restore my soul again...

2008-06-09T11:46:00.003-04:00

Last Friday, May 30, 2008 at approximately 2:25 in the afternoon,

my Father left this world for the next one.

I will miss him more than I can ever express in words.

For our rise against the years and years and years....

2008-05-20T13:09:00.002-04:00

I have been smoke free for 2 days, 11 hours, 39 minutes

And as a result:

My hair does not smell like cigarettes and neither does my clothing, my car, not to mention my 12 year old son.

I have saved approximately $20.

I am cranky and miserable but stronger than this.

I have not smoked approximately 77 cigarettes.

I have added an additional 14 hours to my life.

(Thanks for all of your support and suggestions)

Or just try again tomorrow...

2008-05-19T15:38:00.002-04:00

I have not smoked a cigarette since before going to bed Saturday night. I have always had a love/hate relationship with smoking. I can quit for 6 months, 2 years, whatever, and then randomly decide one day that I can be a social smoker, and smoke one cigarette, and then I am instantly addicted again the next day.

My reasons for quitting are the obvious; health and financial. So far I am feeling OK. I would love to smoke a cigarette right now, or even more so, half a pack of them on my ride home from work. But for the moment, right now, I am going to remain smoke free. Maybe tomorrow I will smoke. Maybe I won't. Taking this, like everything else, one day at a time.

He buzzes like a fridge, hes like a detuned radio...

2008-05-16T11:43:00.003-04:00

I am not sure if it is appropriate to blog about this or not, but I do feel a need to share it. a day or so after the Monster beat me, I told a very good, platonic, male friend of mine what happened and he stopped over to see me to see if I was telling the truth about the extent of my injuries, as he tends to think that no one could possibly have as much drama in my life, and I therefore maybe I was exaggerating the extent of my injuries.

Needless to say, he was infuriated when he saw me. As a human being, as a man and as my friend. He could not comprehend something like this being done to someone, let alone someone he loved and cared about. He decided, without my knowledge that he would take a ride and have a talk with the Monster about what is and is not an acceptable way to treat a woman.

It is important to state that my friend is about as calm as they come. He has never been in trouble a day in his life. He is a good guy. I have known him well over 15 years and have never seen him raise his voice or loose his cool. Anyway, as the story was told to me, he took a ride out to his house and sat waiting for him to come home from work. When the monster pulled in the driveway, my friend pulled in behind him. He did not disguise himself, his vehicle or his plates.

He walked over to the car and told the monster that he was a friend of mine and that he needed to step out of the truck as they needed to have a conversation. The monster, refused. He made a statement about how he was recording this and how my friend was trespassing on private property and he should leave. My friend explained, calmly that he would leave just as soon as he steeped out of his truck and spoke to him. Again, the monster, big tough guy who beats on 115 lb women, would not get out of his truck. Now mind you, I do not know for sure what my friends intentions were, if it were to be a conversation or a confrontation. I only know he was doing this in my honor and defense.

Long story short they started to push and pull at each other a bit through the window, and my friend finally said this is ridiculous, walked away and OK, this might sound bad, pulled a hammer out of his car. At this point the monster RAN from his car into his backyard screaming that he would be sorry, he was going to jail, etc. Not so tough when it is a man he is confronted with. My friend then, in anger smashed the windshield of his truck, his cell phone that dropped as he ran from the truck and a few more slams to the hood of the truck. Decided this was not what his intention here was, knew he had crossed a line, got in his car and drove home.

A few hours later, detectives showed up at his house with a warrant for his arrest. He was being charged with felony (!) criminal mischief, and a few other ridiculous bogus felony charges. He admitted what he had done to the detectives, told them why and even went as far to show them some digital pics he had taken of me the day before. The detectives then told him how the monster had quote a violent reputation in his home town, and well, although they should arrest him, it would be best for all involved, if he just came to court the following Tuesday to be arraigned. No point in him having to sit in a jail cell. Everyone has a sister, mother, wife, GF.

My friend had to hire a lawyer. It is important to say, that I felt awful about what he had done, that he got himself into trouble, and was looking at felony charges, possible jail time and restitution for the damage he did to the monsters truck. My friend had no regrets, he felt strongly that the monster deserved this and a whole lot more.

My friend had his court date on Wednesday. He was anxious. He gets to court and he has to have a sit down with his lawyer, the DA and the judge. All charges DROPPED. Not even restitution. The judge said this is what they call western justice, old school style.

Karma, baby.

Won't you take him when he comes to your door...

2008-05-12T14:52:00.003-04:00

This is a picture of my father and I taken late last August. It is probably the last picture that we will ever take together, and I wanted to share it with you all.

My Daddy is dying. I'm sure I have posted in the past about his many medical ailments. He has been in the hospital since early December, switching back and forth for physical rehabilitation and back to the hospital. As he has had no success in the rehab, he is pretty much confined to bed, unable to stand up, never mind walk, he is incontinent, and just a very sick man, he was admitted to a nursing home a few weeks ago, which was basically just the rest stop to his final call. Last week he had another bad episode of Congestive Heart Failure, Pneumonia, Anemia, etc. and was rushed to the ER. He has been back in the hospital for over a week. He will not improve. At best, he will plateau, and we will transfer him back to the Nursing Home with Hospice care. He is not eating or drinking much and we refused a feeding tube. We signed a DNR. It is very sad. I do not think he will be with us much longer, and sadly, it is time for him to go. This man, who lies incoherently in bed, filled with cancer, fluids filling his lungs, his heart too weak to pump his blood properly, yelling, confined to a hospital bed, is not my Father. Or at least he is not the father I will choose to remember.

Have faith in you and the things you do...

2008-05-01T14:08:00.002-04:00

There is much to be shared here today. I have been writing this post in my head for the last week and just haven't gotten around to put it down here.

First off, I have nothing new to add about the monster. I will update after the next court date which is May 15th. I am better about it every day. I still have anger, and still want him to pay for what he did to me and took from me, but every day I think about it less and less and have chalked it up to a life experience. I am better than him.

Ok, I haven't posted much of anything about the Prince since early this year after his overdose. What I do want to add about the monster, is that the Friday night before he beat me, was the night my Prince came back into my life. We had barely spoken in months, and he knew I had a boyfriend and he wasn't particularly happy about it. He had called that night and needed to come by to get his passport. When I told him that the BF was there, he said forget it and hung up on me. He then called back and said he would come over. I suggested they come over and hang out for a while. He agreed, reluctantly, and they did. I wont get into the details about that night as there is no real relevance, other than basically we had a pleasant evening and I was able to see that my son and I were begininng to be capable of developing a new, adult relationship, despite our opinions about his life choices.

The Prince had called me Sunday night, just a few hours prior to the beating, asking me if I could help him and his GF plan a trip to the Bahamas later this summer, and did the monster and I maybe want to join them, and then we got into a conversation where we had offered to help finance most of their trip if he would stay clean from that moment until the trip, random drug tests required. He wholeheartedly agreed.

A few days later, he stopped at the house for a visit, and the physical signs of the beating were still incredibly obvious and the monster was also obviously absent. I told him we had broken up and when he inquired about the bruises, etc. I told him I had taken a bad fall. He bought it. His girlfriend, on the other hand, did not. However, I digress and this is a story for another day.

His visits became more and more frequent. His clear eyes evidence that he was taking my challenge/offer seriously. It started with a short visit for a few hours on a weeknight, to him calling Friday afternoons asking what I was doing in the evening and could we all go out to dinner. This lead to us making plans to see an exhibit at a museum, or going together to visit my Dad in the nursing home, staying in the evenings to watch movies together, playing games, etc. The visits got longer and longer and the kids started wanting to go out for dinner less and less and we started cooking meals together, the Prince and his GF (I think I will have to give her a nickname soon) anxious to learn to cook, and slowly they were taking care of the entire meal. Mostly just BBQ, but now we have progressed to full dinners and they are anxious for me to teach them to make sauce. As the visits got longer and longer, he and the GF starting spending the night at my house, and sitting around on Sunday mornings drinking coffee and having breakfast.

We have also begun to actively look for employment together. He can now pass a drug test, so his options are less limited. With my help, he put together a nice resume, and we have been applying all over the place. He has also gotten his drivers learning permit, and has begun taking driving lessons (required for his license) and is contemplating computer trade school possibly next winter.

Since January, he has lost two friends to drug related deaths. He also has a friend looking at jail time for a pretty serious felony assault charge who was offered the option of rehab vs. jail, and went away for three days and came back Sunday evening cause he "couldn't deal". Another friend is well on his way to becoming a career criminal because he just refuses to follow the rules of society and prefers jail to conformity. It is very, very sad. However, I do believe this has given him a priceless reinforcement of the old saying, that an addict will end up in one of three places: Dead, Incarcerated, or in Recovery. I believe my beautiful Prince is seeing that recovery is just the best, if not the only option.

Basically, my son and his GF have been spending more time at my house than not. He looks for excuses to come over and wants to come "home". We are seriously considering converting my attached garage to a small apartment like space for them at the end of the summer, under the conditions of him maintaining his sobriety, they both must find and maintain steady employment (that does not break any laws), and they must contribute financially to the household. I am extremely apprehensive about this. But when he is there, I am as happy as I have ever been. When they are not there, the house feels a little empty. I didn't realize how much I missed him, especially when he is clean. Oh!! How beautiful his eyes are.

This situation has taught me something incredibly valuable, something that I should have realized a long, long time ago. One of the reasons I stayed married to the AH for so long is that I hated the idea of breaking up my family. One of the reasons I was so enamored with the monster is that it felt like a little family. What I didn't realize is that families come in all shapes and forms, and that my family was there all along, we did not need someone else to complete us. With the absence of their father, there is so much less anxiety, stress and sadness in our home. The monster just added a different level of anxiety and stress to our home. My kids and I, well, that's all we ever really needed, we just need each other.

I fought the law...

2008-04-11T15:32:00.003-04:00

The monster arrived in court with his own lawyer yesterday. It gives me a sort of twisted kick that he had to retain an attorney and I am sure that is costing him somewhere in the neighborhood of around 5 grand. I hate it when I feel vindictive. Anyway, during the last few weeks leading up to his court date yesterday, I had sent the DA approximately 30 pictures documenting the injuries I sustained at the hands of this animal, medical reports completed by my physician, a written statement from my mother, and copies of previous police reports showing a history of his violent behavior. Essentially, I have made it very simple for the DA to do his job.

The DA told me this morning, that he and his lawyer were very confident and casual at the appearance yesterday. Until the DA informed them that we are, at present, ready to go to trial. Immediately. He told me he thought they would both fall out of their chairs. He said, the assumption with these types of cases is that the charges will be dropped or plead down, that most people lose interest quickly and do not give the DA's office enough cooperation to actually get to a trial. He feels strongly that his attorney will call back next week suggesting the monster will agree to attend anger management classes and perhaps some kind of alcohol awareness classes in exchange for reducing the charges.

Honestly, while I appreciate the fact that this monster is in clear need of Anger Management, that is so not my problem anymore and I am not budging. I want the Assault charges to stick. The DA was right there with me and said he will not accept any plea and will push to take this to trial. It will be dragged out and expensive for the monster if that is the way he wants to do this, unless he decides to act like a man, and accept responsibility for this and pleads guilty. I do not see that happening. If we go to trial, it means I will have to face him and testify in court.

Bring it on Motherf*cker... Bring it on....

I need to be with myself and center, clarify...

2008-04-10T14:40:00.003-04:00

So hold on to your chairs... I have news. Last night I went out on a date. A real date. With a grown up. I was scared half to death. This does not in any way imply that I am ready to be back in a relationship. Not by a long shot. But I did feel the need to be validated again, to feel attractive again, to silence the echoes of the monsters voice in the back of my mind telling me that no one else would ever want me.

Apparently I am a decent date. He wants to take me out again. I didnt feel any big sparks or particularly attracted to him, but then something clicked in my head. My relationship with the monster started out so physical. It was pure attraction, an absolute sexual chemistry from the moment we met. We didn't really date, didn't take the time to get to know one another. It all just happened so fast. I didn't take the time to see the red flags, to get to know him before we were so entangled. Apparently, this is important in building a real grown up relationship. I am still learning all of the rules here.

And I really think I am going to be OK.

When the moment arrives and you know your gonna be alright...

2008-04-08T16:05:00.003-04:00

Thursday is his second court date. I need to call the DA's office to see if I need to be there. I am torn between wanting to go and not wanting to go. I do not think I need to be there, not at this point. Either way, I will keep you posted.

Anyway, I am feeling better each day. I am feeling more empowered, almost glad to not have him in my life as I am seeing alot of my old friends again lately, I went to the MET on Saturday with a friend and saw an exhibit that I had wanted to see and enjoyed greatly. After viewing the exhibit, we sat at the Balcony Bar in the museum, listening to the small live orchestra, sipping champagne and enjoying a lovely cheese platter on what was probably the first beautiful, warm spring day this season in New York City. If I was still with the monster, I would not have been able to go with my friend, it would have been taken as an insult, it would have caused a huge fight where I would have been called names, probably something would have gotten broken, and to be honest I never would have even considered telling him I wanted to go with my friend.

Something about that afternoon made me feel like the winner. This was one of my normal routine things to do with my girls before I was with him: going to museums, discovering cool, funky restaurants and trying different foods, exploring Central Park and taking gondola rides on the great lake (gross and green, but still cool its in the park) and dinner at the B-House, picnics at wineries, and botanical gardens, etc. He was the one who lacked culture. His social life was comprised of hanging out in the local gin mills in his hometown with the regulars, the people he grew up with that past the age of 40, still make pub crawling their priority, regardless of whether they have families or not.

I hope this isn't sounding too judgemental. But it just suddenly occurred to me on Saturday that my life was better before him, and I am starting to see that it will once again be better without him. He did not bring anything to the table to complement my life. He just brought me down, tried to take me down to his level, because HE was the one who wasn't worthy, HE is the one who is broken and damaged, HE is the one who has the self esteem problem.....

So this is me. Taking back my life with a F-ing vengeance.

Sometime's solutions aren't so simple...

2008-04-03T14:20:00.003-04:00

This past weekend was very difficult for me. I found out that the psycho is back with his ex-girlfriend. I can not say I am surprised, he is, in my humble opinion, a sexually compulsive narcissist. Probably a Borderline Personality. And no, I have no formal training to back up my opinions, just from knowing him and the research I have done.

I can not say that it doesn't hurt just a little though. He claimed to have loved me so much, to the point that he had to beat me over his jealous and controlling ways, and yet a week or two after the beating, the arrest, etc. he is back in someone Else's bed, probably living in her house. Meanwhile, I am still unable to sleep through the night, I am in a state of constant fear and paranoia, as is my mother and my son. And yet, he goes goes about his life like it never happened.

I still struggle with my feelings for him. I still feel sad about how it ended, I still miss him. I still reach for the phone to call him when something happens. I miss sleeping in his arms at night. And then there are moments when I am filled with such rage and anger at him. For hurting me, physically and emotionally. For prentending to be someone he is not. For letting me have a taste for the first time in my life of having a nice happy little family. For letting me believe in that lie. For taking away my inherent right to feel safe. For being, just plain evil.

All the more reason to chalk this up to just a bad mistake and put it behind me.

Madness is the gift that has been given to me...

2008-03-27T16:10:00.003-04:00

I am feeling unable to focus on much of anything these days. I spend most of my work day reading blogs, trying to figure out whats going on in my head. Yes, I was beaten. Yes, I survived. Others have survived far, far worse abuse for much longer periods of time. Yet, I just have this clenching feeling in my belly all of the time. And I entertain these thoughts like maybe if we had gone to bed earlier that night, like HE wanted to, none of this would have happened. Or, if only I was able to love him like he needed me to, this would not have happened. And I know, I know it is all BS and he is the sick one, and it was going to keep on happening. But I cant shake this feeling of being disappointed in the fact that he is an abuser, and that it had to end this way... How sick is that?

All alone, I can't mend, But I feel, Tommorrow will be okay...

2008-03-25T09:50:00.002-04:00

What to say, where to start? Do any of you really want to hear the gory details of how this bastard beat me? And I am capable of having to rehash it again? Probably no, and no, but for my own therapeutic reasons I am going to try to write it out, all of the red flags, all of the weird shit he expected of me, and how I, became a battered woman.

When I met him early on, we went out a few times before we spent the night together. I wasn't looking for a relationship and told him how broken I was and that he didn't want to sign up for me and my issues. The next day, I was a bit standoffish with him and he was all, "whats wrong? we just spent the most amazing night, why are you pulling back-like" How could I treat him this way, and was wrong with me that I could act so cold. Then it was all about the phone calls. Please call me later, be sure to call me as soon as you get in the car, as soon as you get home and I wasn't always available to talk because of my mommy responsibilities and what not and this became a bone of contentment.

Within 2, maybe 3 weeks of seeing each other, he was already proclaiming his undying love for me, he needed constant reassurance that he "mattered" to me. He needed and wanted to be important in my world. When we spent time together it was never enough. When I had to go home, he would become angry and sulky. Disappointed that I didn't feel the same about leaving him. That I clearly didn't love him as much as he loved me and if I did, I would blow off all of my responsibilities and spend more time with him. When I went out with friends, he would find emergent reasons to call me and keep me on the phone for the whole time I was out, then accuse me of making him look foolish in front of my friends. That I should be telling my friends how much I was in love with him and how important our relationship was to me, that it trumped all else. There was also constant warnings about not to speak to other men, because that would make me look like a whore, and how he "expected" that I would act appropriately as his "good little girl" and that he KNEW that I would not dare even wear something even remotely provocatively if I wasn't with him.

After I moved in my new house, he almost immediately moved himself in. The fights were usually over his jealous and insecure ways. I spent too much time talking with my mother, and in his opinion I don't let my mother know just how important he is too me, that he is the love of my life. He complained I did not show enough affection in front of others, meaning if my tongue wasn't down his throat I was being cold and distant and disrespectful. Every argument was the same, that I don't treat him with enough respect, how I make him look like a "chump" (does anyone even use that expression any more?) and that he was the best thing that has ever or will ever happen to me, and that I was going to loose him and I would be sorry for it. How I was going to end up an old lonely bitter woman. That I would soon loose my looks and no one would want me like he did.

He would often question me about my past relationships and marriage. Wanting to know why I stayed married so long if I was so unhappy. I mean, people, sometimes you just have to do what you have to do for whats best for everyone and I really couldn't understand why I had to constantly justify myself, and then he would insult me and say horrible things about me and how pathetic I was that I stayed with this man for so long, and then he would switch gears and insist that he bets that I stilled loved AH and that he is the one who left me and that I was a lying bitch, and how stupid I was for loving a man like that. Then he would imply that I was clearly the reason that my kid was an addict and the reason why my ex drank.

The first real sign that should have sent me running was when he was angry he would literally punch himself in the head, repeatedly. Sometimes with his fists, sometimes with a cell phone or with whatever he had in his hands. He once smashed my cell phone against his head when he saw that a male platonic friend had called me. I was then instructed to call said friend and tell him we were not going to be friends any longer, as he clearly only wanted to sleep with me. This friend will come up later in the story, but probably a post for another day. Does anyone out there have any opinion as to what this means? The head punching thing? I have tried to look it up but never found anything concrete.

He expected me to despise my ex and to cease any relationship with him or his family. He did not see any reason for us to communicate, and if for some reason I had to, it should be done in his presence and I should be nasty and hurtful to him. He did not like me to visit my Dad in the hospital, in case my x was up there visiting and insisted I wait for him to make these visits. This often resulted in much shorter visits than I preferred with my Dad and left me resentful and angry which would then set him off about how disrespectful I was. G-d forgive me if I said I instead of We. WE were a couple. It enraged him how I thought of myself as an individual and not as a part of him.

Another method of controlling me was through my sleep habits. I have always required a tremendous amount of sleep, and we would stay up late, and he would wake me when he got up for work, and then would call me and keep me on the phone talking to him because his commute was so long. I was mentally and physically exhausted all of the time, which I guess allowed him to continue to beat me down emotionally and give him more control. If I objected, he would make me feel awful, as we didn't get nearly enough alone time together and he really looked forward to our time alone late at night and early in the morning, and how I should really make more time for him in my life, if I loved him enough, I would feel the same way, after all he was tired too but suffered through it because of his love for me.

When we fought and argued, he would insult my friends, my family, my clothes and my job. He would stop at nothing to make me feel little and awful. He knew my weaknesses and preyed on them: my son's drug addiction, my mother's alcoholism, my body issues. When we weren't fighting he would say he only said these things in anger and to hurt me because I hurt him so deeply and often.

The initial signs of violence when we fought, he would become enraged and smashed a wine bottle across my kitchen, he smashed and broke my jewelry box, shredded lingerie that I bought to wear for him; because he wanted me to look sexy for him all the time. He has smashed my car windshield, kicked numerous dents into my car, thrown shit and dumped my belongings around my bedroom and home while packing his clothes up, torn down my closet organizers, spit on me, thrown phones, glasses, and other items across the room and into walls. He would dump the contents of my pocketbook on the floor looking for my keys or some other item. The last incident, he literally busted my bedroom door open to get at me to keep beating me.

Nothing I had or did was as good as something he had or had done. The carpentry work in my home was half assed. The cabinets were cheap and installed improperly. The tile work was clearly left over tile the previous owners bought at a fire sale. My backyard was pathetic and small. How could we live on such small lots and so close to our neighbors? My neighborhood was filled with wannabes. My job was a joke. My salary was pathetic.

The physical violence I endured, up to and including the final beating started with a smack across the face, being shoved a few times, being strangled so violently that I was in the air with my feet dangling, confident that I was going to die. Being dragged out of a restaurant by my hair, face smashed into the car door. When he hit, it was usually with a closed fist to the eye. The last beating included many, many closed fist punches to the face, him choking me, throwing me around and across the room, and a few shots to my ribs, that surprised my MD that they were not broken, just severely bruised as to this moment, I am still in pain, and if I sneeze, I still see stars.

But I am out now, I will get over this, it will take time, it is painful, but I will not be a victim any longer, I will not be afraid, and I am going forward with the charges. He is only being charged with 3 misdemeanors. I do not care, if at the bare minimum I leave a mark on his record, I will have prevailed and stood up for myself.

I'm broken, when I'm open...

2008-03-19T14:35:00.004-04:00

Ok, Im back, with my tail between my legs. I'm just going to throw it out there...

I went back. Again. It was OK for almost two weeks. Last week. He BEAT me. Badly. My mother thankfully woke up and heard it and called the police and probably saved my life. He was arrested and arraigned and there is an order of protection in place. I am pressing charges to the fullest extent possible.

This picture should give you an idea of just how bad it was, this was taken yesterday, more than one week after the assault.

Stay with me people. I'm in a really bad place and I need to find myself again.

He wants me, if he can keep me in line...

2008-02-20T09:14:00.003-05:00

I have been trying to find the words to begin this post for well over an hour already. Let me start by saying, I am breaking the silence.

This is the part where y'all get to tell me "I told you so". Since I first posted about my being back in the relationship with new guy there have been a few instances of violence, the details of which, I will spare you all. None of these provoked by me or instigated by me; which being the intelligent, educated women I am, I know that you never deserve abuse. But still, the other instances I can not say for sure whether or not I hit first.

New Guy had pretty much managed to move into my house unofficially. Meaning, I never invited him to, never gave him a key, and he does not contribute financially to the home. Yet, he still managed to slowly move himself in, a bag of clothes at a time, taking over some closet space, etc. I knew it, I saw it, I was sometimes OK with it and sometimes a little put off by it. So after the episodes of violence, I let go until he would calm down and then I could find a way to get him out of the house and out of my life. I know, I know, Break the Silence, call the police, have him arrested, get support from my friends and family, etc.

The fight that seemed to escalate the most was his issue with my soon to be ex-husband. He has been wanting me to call him and tell him how much I despise him and how I wasted my life with him and how bad the sex was, etc., etc., etc. Yesterday would have been my 19th wedding anniversary. I have no regrets in leaving my husband. I do not love him now and I haven't in a very long time. However, I am an adult, and I truly do not feel the need to call this man and act like a teenager and tell him how much I hate him. In fact, I really do not even hate him any longer, he is just that guy that I used to be married to. I feel nothing for him. We have children together. Granted it is not a "friendly" divorce. We do not speak, and when we do, it is quick and cold and usually involves something to do with money or my son. I have taken to keeping these conversations a secret from NG. Which is seriously ridiculous. Seriously.

Yesterday, I read Judiths comment to my Valentines Day post and it really struck a cord. I often feel the same way and have told that to NG about how nice it is to get flowers for no apparent reason especially for a freaking Hallmark holiday. Last night, NW brought me home flowers after work. For no apparent reason. We went to see my dad at the nursing home and then went out for a quick bite to eat. During dinner, his daughter called asking to be picked up from her mothers house, because there was alot of fighting and drama going on and she just wanted to come "home".

Trying to keep a long story short, during the drive to pick up his daughter we got into an argument about my oldest dearest friend and her husband, whom we had spent some time with over the weekend. She is also my cousin. Her husband is kind of a jerk who can't seem to find himself, but he has a heart of gold. He is socially inept. We have this thing where we constanly pick on each other, but it is all in good fun, we make fat jokes at each other, remarks about wrinkles, looking old and ugly etc. It has ben going on for 16 years. Well, NG took offense to this and told me he was going to say something to said friends husband the next time we saw them. It escalated into a heated argument with him smashing his cell phone into my windshield and breaking it. We picked up his daughter and although he promised to keep his cool, he continued to scream and lash out and freak out on me, in front of his daughter.

When we arrived back at my house, I told him I thought it would be best if he took his daughter home and they didnt spend the night and we would continue the conversation tomorrow (today) when he was calmer and not in front of his daughter. Well, he wasn't leaving, and he swore to be calm... yeah right. I went to bed and he came in and started the fight up again. I ignored him completely, which just further enraged him. I tried to get out of the bed and leave the room, and he blocked my way and I knew the punches were going to fly. His daughter came running into the room about the time he started spitting in my face repeatedley and spewing profanities at me. I was able to get by and get my hands on the phone and called 911. He started pcaking his things at this point, but not before he tore down my closet organizers and thrashed my room once again. I was just happy and lucky to get him out of there without catching another beating.

The police came and they kept him calm and I filed a report. The breaking of the windshield occured in a different county so if I want to pursue that I will have to file with that county today. I could have had him arrested, but his daughter would have ended up with social services and I just couldnt do that to her. The police informed me to file a report as soon as he leaves the first threatening voice mail and he will be immediately arrested. I can then file for an order of protection. He called my house this morning and left a message saying he left some of his stuff and he "accidentally" took some of my stuff and we needed to get it straight. I havent heard from him since, but it is only a matter of time before the threats start coming in.

I know I need to be free of this man. I know I deserve better. I do not lack self esteem (or maybe I do?) I just love him when the times are good and I now realize he is never going to change and he is crazy and dangerous and he will kill me someday. I do not want to be another statistic. I can not change him. I just know he will move on quickly and back to his ex girlfriend and that will hurt. Why does this bother me? Why do I care what this madman does? The sooner he moves on the safer I will be. Why am I already missing him? How exactly do I recover from this?

Ok. Breaking the silence. 'nuff said.

All of her lovers, all talk of her notes, and the flowers that never sent...

2008-02-14T15:42:00.002-05:00

I have always found Valentines Day to be the cruelest of holidays. Especially to those who were in bad and unhappy relationships (present company included), alone, and not by choice; widowed; or in current situation my Mom finds herself in, spending each day after work sitting by my Daddy's hospital bedside watching him slowly, painfully and miserably die. After having spent your day at work, sitting at your desk watching the flowers and chocolates being delivered to the other ladies in your office and feeling inadequate or unloved or just plain sad, and having to endure hearing their plans for romatic candlelight dinners out. I just find it so mean and hurtful.

This year, I was the recipient of the dozen long stemmed roses delivered to my job. I was horrified. I know I should have felt loved, appreciated and special, but I did not. It just made me feel like I was throwing my "good fortune" of being with a man who is willing to shell out a hundred bucks for flowers that will be dead by Monday in the faces of others who lack the same so-called good fortune.

I am a very private person. I do not share much with my co-workers and I have very few friends left. My peers do not know I am seeing someone and that is the way I prefer it. I felt like an idiot. I was surrounded by all the busy bodies wanting to know about the new beau. As if they are entitled to know my personal business simply by virtue of sharing the same office space 40 plus hours a week and our paychecks being signed by the same accountant. It was incredibly uncomfortable and awkward for me. I know, I know, I seem to lack the warm and fuzzy gene.

I am also aware that new guy sent these roses for exactly this reason. All part of the control issue. He does not agree with my philosophy that my private life is exactly that: MY PRIVATE LIFE. I do not feel compelled to announce from the rooftops that I am in a relationship. I do not want to be the girl at work who makes the other girls feel badly because they did not get flowers. Maybe I am overreacting. But still. I think I have PMS.

Hope all my friends out there are feeling some love today, but even if you are not, please know, that I love and appreciate all of you so much for being exactly who you are.

Never speak a word again, I will crawl away for good..

2008-02-13T14:37:00.002-05:00

I received a call this morning from the Prince's former High School, who has wronged him as much as he has wronged himself the last few years. Since he did not have enough credits to graduate this year, after much ado, the District agreed to offer him home instruction to complete his last few classes.

His former "alternative/special ed" teacher offered to tutor him. Essentially, meaning she would collect her hourly rate of $70 something an hour, for 8 plus hours a week, and actually only tutor him an average of 45 minutes a week. Raping the school district and robbing my son of the education he is entitled to. Whatever. I was too broken and beaten down to fight it. The Prince didnt seem to care either way, he just wanted his diploma without investing any effort into it whatsoever. His typical MO. He fought me when I objected to this arrangement, his grandmother seemed on board as well, so I backed down. How many times am I going to keep allowing this kid to bully and upset me.

As of January, he now supposedly has enough credit to graduate. Mind you, I am confident he in incapable of doing even the most basic math, or identifying a noun or verb in a simple sentence, but according to the district he is now just about entitled to a diploma. All he needs to do is complete a little packet and have his former employee sign off on it stating he worked 300 hours over the summer and they will grant him his final business credit.

I have called my son repeatedly the last few weeks telling him he needs to deal with this and he just keeps blowing me off, and yes-ing me to death and telling me he will take care of it when he gets around to it. When he gets around to it? He doesn't have a job, he doesn'g go to school, he doesn't do a bloody thing except sit around and screw his girlfriend, drink and get high.

The phone call this morning was in regard to an "exit" meeting scheduled for tomorrow to removed his IEP and essentially take him off the roster from the district. Only problem is, they can not move forward until they receive this paperwork providing proof that he worked enough hours to be entitled to the internship credit. The last thing he needs. At 2:30 this afternoon, I am finally able to reach him on the telephone, and he is still sound asleep. I ask him what he is still doing in bed at this hour and he said he is tired. I asked if he was working yet, and he responded no, he was not. I then asked if he was not working, why exactly was he so tired that he needed to be asleep at almost 3 in the afternoon. He informed me he was tired from staying up all night. I started to loose my temper and my cool at this point, getting a bit loud and asking him what exactly his plans were in the grand scheme here? To not work, to not care about an education, to not even bother to get a drivers license, to sponge off of his grandparents, to spend his nights high and drunk and to sleep all day? He responded that it was none of my business anyway and thats when I told him if thats how he felt, he could figure out how to get his diploma on his own and then I hung up on him. Way to be a good mother, Kel. Really showed him who the mature one is.

I then called the school back and told them he was being uncooperative with me and that I was washing my hands of the situation, and for them to communicate directly with him regarding this whole situation and gave them his phone number. When will the anger ever subside with this kid? When will I stop allowing his bad choices to upset me so much? When will I finally just accept that I didn't cause this, I can't control it, and I certainly can't cure it?

Mommas gonna make all of your nightmares come true...

2008-01-29T09:10:00.000-05:00

I have been withholding some information from my blog. I know it's my blog and I get to choose what I will or will not share here. Yet, I feel incredibly dishonest and guilty and need to come clean. I have been back with new guy. I make no excuses for this. I am not perfect, in fact I am pretty broken and screwed up, but there is some ridiculous strong connection I have with this man that I can not ignore.

Anyway, that said, things are better. The fighting has subsided and it has been agreed that there will be ABSOLUTELY no hands. Am I crazy? Perhaps. I just don't know anymore. I am trying to get some balance in my life. I want to be in a loving relationship and I want it to be with this man. We still argue and fight. Too often for my taste. However, I am not used to fighting, or discussing, or laughing, loving, enjoying sex, talking about my feelings etc. in a relationship. My marriage was just so incredibly dysfunctional that I am still learning these things and it just doesn't come easy or natural. Admitting I am wrong, is so difficult for me. When we get into an argument, my immediate reaction is to tell him to get the F out and never come back, and this is how it usually goes down. I am simply unable to admit that I love him and don't want him to go and to ask him to stay or to forgive me.

It is as if I am a teenager still, and in some respects I believe that I am. I was married so young to someone so screwed up emotionally that I just stopped growing in that area of my life and then I had the audacity to bring children into this world when I was just a child myself and not equipped at all to deal with it. And then I stayed and stayed and stayed and I do not understand myself what I thought would change. I became so complacent and I did whatever I wanted without question and wasted so many years of my life and caused immeasurable damage to my children, who I truly, truly love with all of my being.

Last night La Petit told me he knew I had been seeing New Guy when I was still married to his father. I was. I denied it. I mean, seriously what kind of mother am I? Do I tell my son that his father and I stopped loving each other a long, long time ago and that I was so needy and desperate for love and affection that I couldn't wait until I moved out of the house to find a man? Should I have been honest and let my son think I am a slut and teach him that it is OK to not honor your marriage vows and that you should put your own wants and needs ahead of all else? Or do I stick to my lies and let him loose respect for me?

Why is everything so difficult?

Do you breathe me anymore...

2008-01-18T15:02:00.000-05:00

Today I am sad. Very, very sad, down to the very bottom of my soul and I can not talk to anyone about it and can not even bring myself to blog about it.

People Suck.

People who judge other people really Suck.

Everything Sucks.

This can't be it...

Help me walk another mile, just one more mile...

2008-01-16T09:28:00.000-05:00

A day or so after the Prince's release from the hospital after the overdose, I spoke to his grandmother to see how he was doing since I was having a difficult time reaching him directly. She told me he was fine, but there had not been much conversation with him regarding his lifestyle, and what would and would not be tolerated from him if he was to continue living in their home as the girlfriend had been over around the clock and he lied to her as to why he was in the hospital, he told her he had low blood sugar, no mention of a drug overdose or that he was in trouble and needed help. If she were to find out what really happened, I am assuming she would not be happy and either break up with him or insist he get help, two scenarios that he is clearly not interested in entertaining.

I also inquired as to whether or not he had returned to work. His grandmother said to me, that no, not yet, but that SHE had to call his job and see if he was on the schedule for the upcoming days. I felt my blood boil. "YOU are calling?" I asked. I suggested that since he was 18 years old, and it is HIS job, that perhaps it would be better for him to start accepting some responsibility and maybe HE should actually call HIS job to see when he was supposed to be there. I suggested that maybe it would be better for him if she not do everything for him and that perhaps it would actually be to his benefit to start acting like a man and not a 5 year old and that maybe, just maybe if she stopped enabling him and throwing a pillow under his ass and covering up for him that maybe, just maybe, he would be forced to act like a man and either crash or burn. Needless to say, my advice was not appreciated.

I hung up the phone feeling very sad and discouraged and a bit guilty as it was my decision when he refused to embrace a clean and sober lifestyle to not allow him to live in my home any longer. I felt then, as I do now, that even though it was so painful to put him out of my house, that I could no longer enable him and I would not continue to let him steal from me, brings drugs into my home, and verbally abuse his brother and myself. I needed peace and serenity back in my life. I believed I was doing what was best for all of us. I never expected his grandparents, his grandmother specifically, to enable him to the extent that they have. I had to learn to detach myself from the situation, and to try to continue to love him in spite of his disease and the decisions he makes.

I finally spoke to my son about a week after his release from the hospital. It was very difficult for me to not go back to my old ways and lecture him, and demand he acknowledge he has a problem and to seek treatment. I was able to keep my anger mostly in check. I was a bit short with him and tried to make it clear to him that I would always be available to help him get help when he was ready. Once again, my unsolicited opinion and advice was not received warmly.

Yesterday the Prince called me at my office. The first thing he said to me was, "Mom, I need your help." My heart soared. I was ready to grab my coat and run out the door to take him to a meeting, a treatment facility, to the moon if need be. The words I have been longing to hear, finally spoken. I was cautious in choosing my words as the conversation continued, I told him, "Of course Baby, whatever you need." His response sunk my heart as fast as his initial words made it leap. He wanted my help buying a new computer. My disappointment was more than palpable. Then I became confused. I am not an expert in technology and I often turn to the Prince when I make any kind of technology purchases, I didn't understand how he could possibly need MY help with this, and I so inquired. He then proceeded to laugh and tell me that he needed my help financially, as in he needed MY money to buy a new computer. I could hardly contain my laughter. My typical response when he asks me for money is that he should get a job. He responded that he had a job, and could pay me back. I asked him if he had been back to work since the "incident". He said, well no, but he was planning on calling today to see if he was back on the schedule. This kid, just doesn't get it. So I said good luck with the computer and goodbye.

Letting go, with love, and just a little bit of anger.

And considerately killing me...

2008-01-07T13:30:00.000-05:00

My phone rang at 4:30 a.m. on January 2nd. We all know that a phone ringing at 4 a.m is never a good thing. It was my ex-father in law, telling me my Prince was being taken to the hospital via ambulance as he had been found outside the house, unconscious, barely breathing and wearing only a pair of sweatpants.

He gained consciousness a few hours later, but was way, way out of it. He was nodding, and he was bloated and his heart rate was irregular and his brain was not getting enough oxygen as he kept pulling out the oxygen tubes and ripping out the IV lines. He told me during one "awakening" that he had taken morphine.

It was determined that he had overdosed on Morphine. My guess is that it was heroine, but due to the privacy laws, they can not disclose what his toxicology reports showed. Since he told me morphine, and heroine shows up as morphine, they could only confirm to me that, that was in his system, in considerable amounts. I do not know if there were other drugs in his system, although I suspect there were. I love that I can pay for his insurance, and sit by his bed trembling in fear that he will not wake up, but he is entitled to privacy as far as to what almost killed him.

He was kept in the ICU for two days until they stabilized him and he was released over the weekend. Back to his grandparents house. They are quiet, proud people, who do not like to discuss these things, and I do not think there has been a consequence or any kind of ultimatums given to my son as far as seeking treatment, getting help or getting out. This disturbs me. I have also not spoken to my son since he was released. He does not return my phone calls. I am hoping that he is just feeling ashamed for his actions. But somehow, I don't think so. He was very flippant about the whole situation, like, "Yeah, so what, I did morphine, I didn't die". He has no recall of what happened to him that night.

So this is me, starting the new year, letting him go. I love him, but I can not watch him kill himself any longer.

May we all have a vision now and then...

2007-12-31T13:50:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to wish you all a very healthy and happy new year. I, for one am hopeful that this new year gives me an opportunity for growth and change and strength and a new beginning. I wish nothing but the best to each and everyone of you, and I thank you for the many ways you have touched my heart and my life with your kind words of support and love to this cyber-stranger/blogger. Happy New Year to you and yours!!

Help me, I broke apart my insides...

2007-12-28T09:41:00.000-05:00

I used to look forward to taking the time out of my day to blog. I used to look forward to alot of things actually. Like laying in bed at night with La Petit watching television. I used to look forward to picking up a book and not being able to put it down until it was finished, to seeing my friends, going out for dinner and drinks, having a life.

Divorcing AH and moving into my new house was supposed to be a new beginning for me, a new life, a fresh start. Instead I hooked up with the new guy and got involved in a roller coaster ride from relationship hell. My persistent neediness, vulnerability and loneliness allowed me to let this guy practically move into my house, tell me who I can and cannot speak to, hit me, break my belongings, insult me, my friends and family, called me terrible, hurtful names, degrade me, lie to me and cheat on me. And always finding a way to blame it on me.

I had to turn off my voicemail service on my cell phone and my house phone and my text messaging service as well due to the volume of nasty threatening voice mails he was leaving me. He now only leaves them at my office. The last one was him vowing to destroy the rest of my life. Only if I empower him to do so.

OK, so I was alone for Christmas. I survived. I will be alone all weekend and on New Years Eve, I will survive that too. I really do deserve better than this madman who wanted to control, consume and own me. And all the while not offering me very much. He wasn't a very good father, he fought for custody of his daughter only to let his parents raise his child while he does his own thing moving in with one woman after another. He isn't settled into a career, his debt is out of control and he has a history of drug abuse which I learned he was using on one of the weekends that we broke up. Not to mention the serious temper issues. Think there are enough red flags and warning signs here?

Well my New Year resolution is to get over this guy and break the spell he has cast over me and remind myself that I deserve a relationship that is healthy and loving. Not scary and dangerous. And if I cant find one then I will be OK anyway. It really is OK to be alone. That is my new mantra.

Did I mention that I bought a puppy for La Petit for Christmas?

and I will be the one, to hold you down...

2007-12-18T10:22:00.000-05:00

I am in a very bad and dangerous place. The new guy has turned out to be a madman and he beat the crap out of me last night and tried to strangle me. This abuse has been going on for a few weeks. Starts with a fight because he gets jealous angry or controlling and then it escalates into him freaking out, destroying and breaking things and last night it got out of control and he hit me. Hard. My jaw is all out of line and my neck is bruised from him trying to choke me. I brought this man into my family and into my sons life and took him out last week and let him back in and he was removed by the police last night and now I have to hurt my son once again and I think I am going out of my mind and I need help and have lost friends already over this man and I am scared to death and he is mean and scary and nasty and says horrible things to me during his outbursts. I need to break free. I need a new life. I need to find myself and I have no idea how to do that.

You shut your mouth, how dare you say...

2007-12-03T11:12:00.000-05:00

I have gone back and read my first post from 2 years ago around the same time of year. I am pleased to report, that although my life today is far from perfect, I do feel that I am in a much better place today then I was back then. I am no longer filled with the sadness and loneliness of a lousy, dysfunctional marriage, the paralyzing fear, dread and guilt of being the mother to a drug addicted child, the fear of being alone and of the unknown.

This is not to say I am functioning at what most would consider to be a "normal" level (hey, whats "normal" anyway?) but I do feel as though I have come a long way, and I have learned to let go with love and to not blame myself for those things that I can not control. I am trying to learn to trust myself just a little. I am also acutely aware of my shortcomings and flaws and I am trying to make sense of the mess in my own head.

My experience has been that when you are desperately unhappy and lonely and feeling unloved, is that you will run from those painful feelings and look to compensate for what your life is lacking. To somehow find a way to fill that void, that empty hole in your soul. Many of the coping mechanisms I chose to help myself were self destructive. I know, no big shocker there. Its what those of us who live with addiction do. Some of us abuse drugs, alcohol and other substances, some of us enable those around us to do so, some of become so codependent that it is hard to see where we begin and those that we love end.

One of my most unhealthy choices was the method in which I handled my personal relationships. I had affairs that ended badly. I confuse love and desire. I also form unhealthy friendships. I have a tendency to make friends easily, and then I latch on to them and get too close too quickly. And then these so called friends seem to want to have a say in how I handle my day to day decisions. I also have a problem where my friends seem to have no problem telling me exactly how they feel without regard for my feelings, or for pointing out my flaws. And for some reason, I find myself unable to defend these perceived attacks allowing people to walk on me and to hurt me and for me to find myself pulling further away and retreating even deeper into my own head. I often find I am the one who is willing to go any distance to help my friends out, always the one to be there and lend a hand and then I often find myself disappointed when I am in need and there is no one available to me.

The situation with New Guy. I am not sure what I am doing. I am in new, unsafe, uncharted water with this man. He makes my head spin a little. One of my best friends, recently voiced her opinion that she thinks he is all wrong for me and basically told me she will not sit around and watch me self destruct if I chose to stay with this man. She then followed up by offering me her opinion that I am most likely a Borderline Personality. (her g/f is a shrink). Then gave me a big pep talk about how I am ill and need help and that my current therapist isn't worth the paper I write his checks on and blah blah blah. She wants to help me, to save me. Slam. Another attack. She then pointed out the dead look behind my eyes.

New guy has a wicked insecure jealous side. Part of me knows that it isn't the right relationship for me for the long term. Part of me says who is talking about the long term anyway? Part of me wants to sit back and enjoy the ride and see where it goes. Part of me says run as fast as you can, this guy makes you feel too much and that is dangerous for me. Another part still says he is going to try to consume me and nothing good will come from that. Part of me wants to trust my friends who claim to know me and only have my best interests at heart and think this is no good for me. Part of me says these same friends want something from me. They like that I am needy and broken and my inadequacies make them feel better about themselves. Part of me knows every one loves that I am the poor little week girl. Always available because she has no where else to go. Part of me wants to take this chance and learn from it. Maybe it will be a mistake and this guy could kill me someday or maybe it wont be and I will find happiness and peace at last.

And part of me thinks, seriously, WTF? Will I ever be normal?

I remember when, I lost my mind...

2007-11-28T15:58:00.001-05:00

In case you are wondering, I am most certainly not OK. I am finally out of the house and my divorce is moving forward. I am living in the new house with La Petit and my parents. It is exactly what I wanted.

Enter New Guy. He has turned out to become a bit possessive, jealous, consuming and, well, let's just say crazy. When it is good, it is so good. When it is bad and I am not giving him exactly what he needs, well it is g-d awful and scary.

I am having a really hard time deciphering what is real and what is in my head here. I do not not do relationships well to begin with. I will post more when I can make some sense of what is going on in my head and I can share.

Hope you all are well.

Stop me if you think that you've heard this one before...

2007-10-31T10:05:00.000-04:00

I have been blogging for almost 2 years now. I have never set up "rules" for my blogging, I blog when I have time, or when I need to vent, or when I have something to share or when I just have something to say. I have made some wonderful connections through my blogging and even had the pleasure to build a real life friendship with one of our blogger peeps. Over the summer when I was at one of my low points, I remember when I was having a meltdown, that I would think about how I was going to put it up on my blog and it would comfort me knowing that there was a place I could go to share my innermost self with or without judgement from the blogging community. I can honestly say, other than the crazy anti-aa guy, I have never had anything but thoughtful, caring people leave me comments. I have come to genuinely care about so many of you and your lives. I consider each and everyone of you a blessing in my life.

Lately, I have not been blogging regularly, but instead, I have been reading more of your blogs out there and I wanted to share some of my feelings about that. I feel as though I am on the verge of one or two things, either a complete breakdown or possibly a complete breakthrough. As I follow the journeys of others out here I feel so much less alone. I see that others have lived destructive lives of alcoholism and addiction and through the grace of g-d and with lots of strength have come through to the other side and choose to live a sober life one day at a time. I am in no way minimizing their battles because I believe it to be just that. I am simply able to find comfort in knowing that there is a program out there, for if and when that time comes, my Prince can find his way to a clean and sober life. I have learned through all of you, that it IS possible and their can be a happy life for him someday despite the demons he must fight. I thank you all for this.

I recently came across a blog where a young woman is sharing her story of her active addiction to heroine. She supports this habit by selling herself. She actually refers to herself as "Street Meat". Her writing is articulate and cohesive. Her story is about as frightening as anything the mother of an addict wants to know. But she is still alive and therefore there is still hope and I have added this young girl to my prayers. I applaud her honesty and I do not judge her or her family. Because as the mother of an addict; I know, there but for the grace of g-d, go I...

I have read the stories of other addicts parents. It amazes and impresses me, that you could live through every parents worse nightmare, the death of your child through this dreadful, horrible disease, and still find the energy to not only get out bed in the morning, but to get onto your computer, and share your story with anyone who cares enough to read it. We are an amazing bunch. We have a common thread and I guess that creates a bond that only other parents living through this can comprehend. And there is no judgement. No ridiculous advise, no finger pointing. WE get it. Collectively, we are the only ones who can understand that addiction CAN and DOES happen to good people.

I seem to have been given more than my fair share of sickness, tragedy and misfortune in my life. It is very easy to feel sorry for myself and do the whole "why me" thing. However it gives me strength to know that my story, when thrown in the mix here, well, it's just another story. No better, no worse. The end of it is far from being written, and I know from all that you share, neither is yours. It just has to be taken one day at a time. Nothing more, nothing less.