This can't be it

When your mind breaks the spirit of your soul

noreply@blogger.com (kel) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 13:58:00 +0000

I have been seeing the nice man who I went on a date with a few weeks ago. He is gentle, fun, generous and kind. He likes me. Alot. That scares me. Alot. I am trying to explain to him that I need to take it very slowly. That I was not looking for a relationship right now, that I was actually planning on taking some time to myself and work on reconnecting with myself after all that I have gone through the last few years. He is responsive, but keeps saying the "we" word. Like how "we" will remember that our first movie together was a little dark and twisty. Things like when "we" go here or there, etc. I am happy to date him and spend time with him, but I am not ready to be a part of a "we" just yet. Tomorrow I have the day off from work and we are going to spend the day together, going to drive out East and do some Christmas shopping and a nice lunch somewhere. I am sure it will be a pleasant afternoon.

The Prince got a job as a stock broker trainee. He started yesterday. They were to pay for his training and the courses for his Series 7 exam for 8 weeks. He found out an hour after he got there that they would not be paying him until the test was taken and passed. He walked out. The "man" who hasn't worked since early June, said he can not possible go eight weeks with out a paycheck. I took him shopping and spent $300 on work clothes over the weekend. He says it is OK that I spent all that money because now he has interview clothes and plans on having another job lined up by next week. He has three other interviews set up in the next few days. He called me last night and asked me if he should tell the people interviewing him that he has other interviews lined up, you know, so they would offer him more money. I tried to gently tell him that the jobs he was interviewing for were entry level, most likely minimum wage positions and he does not have the experience to use that kind of leverage.

It still hurts that he has no clue about the real world. That he has no education, no marketable skills and that he will have a hard time getting a job because he can not pass a urine test. He still has so much growing up to do. And I don't see it happening any time soon.

He and his father have no relationship. His father only sees him in passing when he is at his mothers house (where the Prince lives). His father has a pretty good relationship with our younger son, La Petite. Much better than I ever thought possible. He sees him regularly and they do things together, La Petite looks forward to spending time with him. I know this hurts the Prince. His father never taught him the things necessary in life to be a man. How to mow the lawn, how to paint a wall, how to tie a necktie. I have tried my best to both mother and father to him. But I see it pains him that his father doesn't want to be a part of his life. His fathers love for him is not unconditional. I know the Prince has caused us all so much pain, but at the end of the day, I still love him deeply, even though I can not allow him to live in my house, and I know I must keep him at a safe distance to protect myself.

Why I'm a Stranger in my Own Life...

noreply@blogger.com (kel) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 13:19:00 +0000

I have a morning ritual when I arrive in the office each day. I sign on to my computer, check my emails then check the blogs. I always start with Mary Christine, as hers was the first blog I started following, I jump from her to Pammie then over to Lou, Syd, and so on. I was thrilled to see Lou back again last week, I felt a real loss each day when she wasn't there, and am still feeling a bit sad the Pat at Child Lost has left us as well.

I know I don't post as often as I should, but I still read you all each and everyday and wonder if you all feel a little loss when I am not posting?

So much going on in my little slice of the world, so in the interest of keeping it brief, and not boring you all to death, if you don't mind I will just do some quick bullets....

The Prince still posting non-stop on his facebook about getting high, etc. Still isn't working, and as far as I can tell still is not looking for work. He called last week to tell me how he got "jumped" by a bunch of kids last week outside the bar and got the sh*t beat out of him. I inquired how he was at the bar and drunk when he is both underage and unemployed. Not too mention uninsured, and he has now incurred a whole new bunch of debt from the ambulance ride and the hospital emergency room fees.
His latest idea is to try to sign up for welfare to get money and insurance. I said that I didn't think they gave assistance to those who are healthy enough to work but choose not too. Needless to say we are not in a warm fuzzy place at the moment.
La Petite Prince is in High School. He has met a whole new group of kids and is really coming into his own. It is a nice group of boys. His grades are good. He is starting to drop the ball a little bit this last week, turning in assignments late, etc. I am in constant communication with his teachers so I can keep on top of him. But he makes me feel good and hopeful for his future.
A friend called me and asked if it would be OK if she were to ask out the guy I was seeing for the last year and a half, you know, the one who broke up with me via text and called my kid a mutant.... I mean really? Is this High School? Do we pass men around as if they were dispensable? I don't understand how drama attaches itself to me like white on rice...
I went on a date with a nice man on Saturday night. It was pouring rain, and he came to my door and met me with an umbrella. Now THAT was a first in my world... It was nice and fun and easy and he made me laughed, and we kissed a little in the car like teenagers and he wants to take me to the opening game of the World Series tonight!
My ex-husband told me recently the reason why he has been crying poverty lately, is that he got arrested for a DWI last winter, and the court costs, mandatory alcohol rehab, legal fees, probation reimbursement costs, etc. have run in him to the ten thousands. Put a cherry on top of that, he informed me that he has to report to jail tomorrow morning for 7 days as a result. I know DWI is a big deal, but something sounds a bit fishy to me that he has to serve jail time. Whatever. So not my problem anymore.
So just trying to keep it together One Day at a Time, minding my own side of the street and keeping the pity party to a minimum.

OK, so that's me in a nutshell. You know I couldn't keep it too short.. sorry about that. Sending you all lots of love and know that I am still here and keeping up with you all each day....

I've been looking so long at these picutes of you...

noreply@blogger.com (kel) — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 17:03:00 +0000

So the Prince and I are now friends on one of those social networky site thingies. After confirming we are friends I go over and check out his page. Every other "update" he has posted makes reference to smoking pot. As in: "Anyone wanna blaze?" "smoking a blunt right now" "Smoking the Buddha" "Got Weed?" Etc. etc. etc. He also has a bunch of pics of himself up there. Most pics show him swigging either beer, wine or vodka from the bottle. Other pics show him clearly intoxicated. There are even a few pics of him and his friends rolling joints or blunts or whatever it is they call them these days. Lots of nice shots of water pipes and bongs strewn about on tables. Lots of action shots of them playing beer pong.

He is also "friends" with friends of mine and numerous relatives, cousins etc. One of my closest friends had a post up about the new JZ album. My son responded to it by writing that the new album is F*cking Sick. Oh, the pride and joy, just warms a mothers heart. I wrote him a private message about how he might want to tone down his musings on the site because leaving a trail like that for future employers, school admissions officers, etc. can easily access it and hold it against him now or at some much later date. No response.

He called me a little while ago after friending another old friend of his fathers and mine and was laughing about a pic the old friend had posted of his father, how young he looked, etc. I then asked him if he received my email and that how he should consider taking his drug use announcements down just a notch. He was getting annoyed and kept trying to end the conversation. I explained that while he clearly sees no problem with illicit drug use, that maybe he would want to be concerned about how it could be held against him and that maybe he shouldn't be so proud of it. He told me I was aggravating him. I then told him then, at the very least could he refrain from friending MY friends and family. His response was that they were his friends and family too. Touche. I then asked him, could he at the very least refrain from leaving comments that involve the F word on my friends sites. I think this is pretty much where the conversation ended and he hung up on me.

It is times like these that I see how very damaged he is, and how he really did stop maturing when the heavy drug use started. OK so, yeah he smokes pot and wears it like a badge of honor. Where I don't see this as something to proud of, apparently he feels the need to let the world know that he is OK with it. I don't know why, after all of these years and after everything we have gone through, I still feel embarrassed by his drug use. I want to take heed from Lou's post earlier this week about how I shouldn't feel the need to explain my son and his disease. But yet, even though I know better, it still makes me feel like such a failure as a mother.

After the conversation with my son, I just sat in my car and cried. Not the desperate, sobbing cries of years ago, but just silent tears, just enough to maybe release some of the sadness that so deeply fills my heart. Time to remember to let go again, and leave it to G-d....

Taking two steps forward, and four steps back...

noreply@blogger.com (kel) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 14:00:00 +0000

The boyfriend contacted me weeks ago and asked for a second chance, proclaiming his love for me and how his online indiscretions were absolutely innocent, and promised to cease the behavior I found so offensive if I would give "us" a second chance.

Throughout our conversations while we were trying to get back together other issues in the relationship came up and we discussed them. His main complaint with me is that I do not call him. Its true. I don't. I do not have a reason for this, but I don't. I also promised to make an effort to call him more often.

Things were going OK, or so I thought. We have tickets to a Yankeee game tomorrow night. We are taking the Prince and his girlfriend. Yesterday I had some stuff going on after work, I had an electrician coming to fix a faulty outlet, I am puppy sitting for a friend so that is two dogs to take care of, not to mention homework with La Petit (who just started HS!) and just the regular day to day things.

I send the BF a text message at around 7. No response. I send another one half an hour later, kidding around, saying "Uh-Oh, are you mad?" No response. Then I figure he must have fallen asleep and sent a message saying goodnight. No response.

10 pm, I receive a text back saying, and this is a direct quote, "Which is good, cuz I'd rather stick needles in my eyes then go to the Yankee Game with your mutant kid" I thought it was a joke, I had no idea what he was talking about. His next message said, "enough is enough, this is ridiculous and we are done... " <Side note.. I just realized as I wrote this, that the texts came in the wrong order, apparently, the text saying enough is enough should have come first, followed by, the whch is good... comment..>

I try to call, he doesn't pick up, this is when I realize he is serious. So he finally responds back that we are done because I thought he was angry and didn't even bother to call. Seriously. So whatever, if you want to break up with me, then go ahead. But to call my kid a mutant? I mean really? How F-ed up is that? A 49 year old man, breaking up with me, via text message, and dragging my children into it and calling them names? Knowing the history I have with my son and how hypersensitive I am about it?

So that was my evening went last night. Now today I have to tell my son and his GF that I won't be meeting them at the game. They have their tickets already, I do not have mine. Now they have to take the train home, as we were going to drive them home with us. The Prince, will be disappointed.

My morning started out waking up at 6 a.m. and finding two giant loads of poop on my bedroom wood floors from the puppy I am watching. Cleaning up the poop really put me behind schedule. Next my allergies are so bad this morning that I could not even manage to put on mascara and I look like the walking death. Get into my car, drop La Petite at school and proceed to spill coffee all over my white slacks. Arrive int he office looking like hell and sneezing and coughing from allergies and my boss suggests perhaps I should go home, you know what with the swine flu thing going on ( I work in education).

All this after getting broken up with, via text message, last night. Really? Is this really still my life?

September 11, 2009

noreply@blogger.com (kel) — Fri, 11 Sep 2009 15:34:00 +0000

I have been wanting and meaning to post. There is so much happening in my life right now. But it just doesn't feel appropriate to wallow in my self today, this day.

Instead, I am sending out some love to my blogger buddies out there. And plan to get back to it regularly next week.

September 11, 2001... Let us never forget...

Keep the faith, Keep the faith....

noreply@blogger.com (kel) — Wed, 19 Aug 2009 13:13:00 +0000

Saw this outside of a church on my way to the office this morning....

"God answers all KNEE mail"

Think that is spectacular and clever.

She likes me for me...

noreply@blogger.com (kel) — Fri, 14 Aug 2009 18:47:00 +0000

Thank you all for your input. It's funny how it even though I do not post very often, it is my first instinct to go to you guys for advice. And if you have read all the comments, your feedback confirmed what I already knew.

Long Story short, I broke up with the BF Wednesday night. Based on his online activities and some other stuff but I will write a longer post next week when I have more time.

In the mean time I am going out for dinner in Manhattan with my best girlies tonight. Its just what I need right now. They love me for me, flaws and everything.

Kisses.

Come on, come talk to me.....

noreply@blogger.com (kel) — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 14:31:00 +0000

I know I haven't blogged in a long time, but I still check in and read your blogs everyday. I have to keep this short, but I just need to throw a question out there and I'm hoping for some feedback.

Is it OK, if you are in a "committed" relationship, to go into "romance, singles" chat rooms to talk to strangers?

What's it all about?

noreply@blogger.com (kel) — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 14:38:00 +0000

Taking the cue from Syd today and sharing a little about what I'm about....

Today I am all about me, it's my Birthday, and I love my birthday, and all of the attention that comes with it. Narcissistic much?
Feeling proud of myself that as a single mother, I managed to make the best possible summer camp plans for my Little Prince, and pay for it, without any interaction from his father, who could care less.
Coffee. I consume way too much of it, but I love it.
Having good friends that really care about me and make me a better person.
The sadness that I felt last night when my Mom told me about our recently widowed cousin, who yesterday, took a walk with her daughter, my good friend, and went to the movies with her grandchildren. My mom was half-way through a giant bottle of cheap red wine when she told me about this, and the realization that we are never going to do those things, well, it just hurts.
I am not a perfect mother and my children are not perfect. I'm learning though, that I am doing my best to be good enough and they will either love me for it or have to deal with it in therapy later on. Such is life.
I miss my father. Especially today on my birthday, he would have called me singing the Happy Birthday song to me all day.
I do not however, miss his illness, pain and suffering. Sometimes God knows when to come calling for his sons.
Red velvet cupcakes. Yummy.
A flirty new skirt to wear on my birthday today.
Being in a relationship with a good man. Although it is not ideal, it is good enough and I am learning to let things happen at that their own pace.
My beautiful sweet pup. He loves me unconditionally, flaws and all.
Letting go of the past. Slowly, but surely.
Not having to own the Princes problems anymore.
Enjoying planting a garden with my mother. All of the rain has really helped it flourish.
Feeling hopeful about my future. I can make it on my own. I can find happiness. Even if I am alone.
Looking forward to some alone time this summer. I'm feeling ready to get to know myself again. (Flaws and all)
Reading and learning from the experiences of my blogger buddies. Even though I rarely comment anymore.
Learning to cook with fine fresh ingredients. I never knew there could be real joy in cooking for the people in my life that I love, and planting my own fresh herbs for the first time this summer... cant wait to use them!
Becoming more comfortable in my own skin. One day at a time...

So what are YOU all about right now?

And I feel...

noreply@blogger.com (kel) — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 18:01:00 +0000

This morning, when I locked my bedroom door before I took a shower, as I was alone in the house, I thought to myself, with a chill down my spine,why bother? When I tried to lock the monster out, he just busted it down anyway.

When I drive down the last strip of highway in the mornings on my way to my office, I am often brought back to the conversations with the monster, hearing his temper rise as his voice was elevating, and telling me how I don't make him feel special enough, and all of the other things I did wrong.

Earlier in the week my young son and I were talking about the accidental death of Mike Tyson's daughter, and I expressed that although I was not a big fan, I felt sad for his loss. My young son inquired about my feelings and I mentioned the many episodes of domestic abuse and spousal abuse he had been accused of. My son commented to me that the wife must have deserved it, that she probably cheated or whatever? I had to actually control my OWN rage at that comment. My own son, making such a statement, after all that I had gone through.

Later in the week I was having dinner in a restaurant with some friends and I repeated the conversation between my son and I. These are all close friends who knew what I went through and were very, very supportive. However, one of my friends had apparently forgotten about it for a moment, and went off on a sort of tangent about if her sons ever made such a comment, she would explain to them how it would never happen to her, because she is too strong for that and she would never allow it to happen to her. I interrupted her as gently as I could by saying, never say never. She got the point and quickly apologized.

The relationship that I am in is a safe one. I am confident he would never physically harm me. But it seems to be taking on a life of his way or now way. Not at all in a threatening manner. More like, he is more comfortable being at his house. He is not crazy about my mom or spending time with her and as a result, he will no longer come to my house if she is there. If I want to do something he wont do, he simply will say no and he will not do it. No matter what. I think this is just starting to really mess with my head, and is making all the bad, painful memories try to break their way out of repression...

Acting on your best behavior, Turn your back on Mother Nature...

noreply@blogger.com (kel) — Thu, 14 May 2009 19:07:00 +0000

My mother was always the stronger personality of my parents. Especially when my father was struck ill at the age of 49 and basically spent the next 18 years slowly dying. My father was not an educated man and he dropped out of school somewhere around the age of 15. Knowing the things I know after raising my own children, and from working in education, it would seem that my father suffered some kind of learning disability. I am thinking he was probably dyslexic. He was a good man, a strong man, he was a hard working proud man, but he was not book smart. He gladly allowed my mother to run the house, gladly turned his paycheck over to her each week. Never questioned her judgement or decisions, and financially, she did well by them.

Deciding to buy a home with my mother, was, at the time, the right thing to do. My father was dying and she needed my help. I also did not want her to be alone when he died. Its been almost a year since my father left this world for the next. Alot of the drama and urgency of the last few years are slowly settling down and my life, while far from perfect is in a calmer place.

Lately my mother and I are having terrible arguments. We are both type-A personalities on some level. My mother is having a hard time with me moving on and rebuilding my life. She takes offense when I spend the night with the man I am seeing. I only do this when my 13 year old is away for the weekend with his father. She does not like when I deposit money into our joint account to pay bills. Our payroll schedules are different, and I simply can not put money in the bank when I do not physically have it. She is just not comprehending that. We had a real screaming fight last week. It got ugly. When she has nothing more intelligent to say, she resorts to being underhanded, mean and plain nasty. She brings up things from my marriage, she brings up my flaws, she fights dirty. She says things that can not be taken back.

On any given evening, after 5:30 pm my mother is also half in the bag on cheap red wine. She semi-blacks out. She denies saying the things she says. She blames it on me for not giving in to her. She blames it on the wine. She blows it off, saying, its over, let it go. I am starting to get truly tired of living in dysfunction. My "boyfriend" (oh, how I loathe that word..it reminds me of the "monster") sees her really for what she is, and in a very gentle way, he often points out situations where she is unnecessarily mean to me without provocation. He does not want to spend time at my house anymore and it has alot to do with my mother and her behavior. I do not want to spend time there lately myself. This is not to be misconstrued that he goes out of his way to point these instances out, more that he will mention it when I am going stark raving mad over the things she says and I start to feel like it is all in my head.

I really feel as though I am going to loose him, and I will someday end up just like her.

But something told me to run, and honey you know me, it's all or none...

noreply@blogger.com (kel) — Mon, 04 May 2009 15:05:00 +0000

Sometimes I just cant help but throw myself a pity party. While I know that I was married to the wrong man and I stayed married for entirely too long, I still wish that I was married. Happily married to the right man. I know that this is not a recipe for successful children who don't have addiction problems. But I think it would have been easier to battle if I had an equal partner. Someone that I loved and respected and trusted. And who felt the same towards me.

I can remember the day I told my parents that I was pregnant and getting married. I was 20 years old. I was lucky, I had loving, supportive parents, and so did my ex-husband. I had only been dating him for about 6 months. I was in college, working part time at an insurance agency. My husband was in college, in theory, meaning he barely went, and he was working part time busing tables at a Chinese restaurant and sometimes making deliveries. We barely knew each other. I don't know what the hell I was thinking.

I remember my mother's face when she told me that while she supported my decision to have the baby and get married, that I needed to be aware of all that I was giving up. I was giving up the best years of my life, and that it was not going to be easy. I heard her, but didn't really hear her. I didn't understand the importance of really knowing someone before you decide to commit to a lifetime together, or more importantly, to committing to raising a child together. I think I thought I was playing house.

Neither of us really knew what it took to make a marriage work. We didn't understand the give and take. We didn't grasp the concept of compromise. My had a really great social life, lots of friends, we had lots of parties and BBQs. There was lots of drinking and partying. My brother in law once said to me that he didn't understand why we focused so much on our friends and not each other. The comment offended me. Until many years later when I realized I still didn't know this man I married many years ago. He worked nights and slept days. I avoided "sleeping" with him at all costs. I wasn't physically attracted to him. I secretly envied my friends and the relationships they had. I coveted their rock sized engagement rings, their big elaborate weddings, the nice shiny new things they were able to buy because they did things the "right" way.

Many years later, looking back through my 40 year old eyes, I see the mistakes that I had made. But it doesn't stop me from wanting a second chance at a beautiful life. I'm way past wanting the shiny toys and sparkly ring. But I want a partner, someone to share my life with. I am seeing someone now who is not the perfect man, but he is good and he is kind and gentle. He is tolerant. He is patient. He loves me.

Early on in our relationship, I would try to make him meet my friends and spend time with us. He was reluctant. I was anxious to meet his family and to be a part of it. He was reluctant. He tried to explain to me that he wanted to spend time with me. Not my friends, not my family. This offended me. I didn't realize that he was right, that it was important to get to know each other, alone, without the distraction of other people. Maybe it is my insecurities that I am not lovable and that if gets to know me, then he wont like or love me and that is why I insisted on surrounding myself with people, to keep me safe and protected and well hidden. This is something I have done all of my life and I am finally learning that it is not the way to be successful in a relationship. if he doesn't like me, well, then he doesn't like me. Hiding behind my family, and my friends isn't going to change that, it is simply going to prolong the inevitable. That's all.

So maybe this old dog can learn some new tricks. Or maybe its just time to take away the smoke and mirrors and just learn to let myself be me. Maybe I am something special after all...

You know it aint easy, you got to hold on...

noreply@blogger.com (kel) — Mon, 04 May 2009 14:01:00 +0000

I watched the film, "Rachel getting Married" this weekend. How very dark and sad this film was. I almost had to turn it off and walk away from it. I was surprised by how deeply I was affected by it. I usually love movies and or books with any addiction related theme. I guess I was just taken back about how hopeless it seemed to be for the Anne Hathaway character, to find a little peace and forgiveness for her addiction related sins. I guess that to me, she still seemed so hopeless and misunderstood that I questioned her long time ability to maintain sobriety. Especially when she seemed to truly lack any real support within her family.

Yes, I also was able to recognize the depths of pain and tragedy she brought upon her family. And I know how difficult it is to forgive the addict in our lives. But seriously... why weren't these people working a program of their own?

Not sure where I am going with all of this. Maybe it reminded me of the days when the Prince was living home with me, and stealing from us, and living with the fear of what was going to happen next and if I would wake up and find him not breathing in the morning, and which Price would be sitting at my dinner table. He seems to be in a really good place these days. I do not see him that often, usually just in passing when he is at the house borrowing my mother's car or dropping it off. We have not done anything socially together in quite a long time, and this has been choice. Sometimes, well, I don't want to take the chance of the Ugly Prince rearing its ugly head.

Maybe since my youngest son is fast approaching the age when my Prince was sucked deep into the dark world of drugs, alcohol and addiction, that I am subconsciously afraid he may go there too. The genes of addiction run through our blood like water. I am fearful. I am mistrusting. I snoop. I know if it is going to happen it is going to happen, and it is out of my control. I have been told that most if not all teens do some level of experimentation with drugs and alcohol, and that is to be expected. I know my youngest has some self esteem issues as well, and he takes the easy way out of most things. I know all kids have an inherent need to fit in. I fear he will choose the low road to find his place in this world, and I do not think that I am physically equipped to go there again.

Love can make you weep, can make you run for cover...

noreply@blogger.com (kel) — Wed, 08 Apr 2009 14:18:00 +0000

My youngest son is in grave danger of not passing the eighth grade. He is a very bright young man. He doesn't like to do homework, sometimes he doesn't feel like doing classwork or taking notes. Studying is a word that does not exist in his vocabulary. He really likes to talk and socialize. He likes to somehow manage to get his hands on red bulls and soda and brings it to class. He has a wicked attention deficit with hyperactivity and red bull and soda do not mix well with it. He recently took a geography quiz and scored a 10 out of a hundred. Seriously. My mother of an addicts memory keeps whispering in my ear... this is using behavior.

I am in a relationship with a man that is becoming less and less fulfilling. He does not like to spend time with my family. He prefers me to be at his small apartment than to come to my large house. He does not care if we see each other on holidays. When I tell him this hurts my feelings he does not understand. On the other hand he is very kind to me and gentle. He knows how I take my coffee, and serves it to me. He always has my favorite water in the fridge. He encourages me to take better care of myself. I know that he does love me. When my son is with his father on alternate weekends, we spend most of our time together. It is really quite possible that I am as broken as I think I am, and therefore just completely incapable of knowing how to behave in a relationship.

For the first time in many years, my relationship with my brother is in a really good place. He is a sick man, diabetic, has lost 3 toes from his disease in the last few years. He is 43 years old. He can not work. There is still a really nasty ulcer on the bottom of his foot that will not heal. It is likely he will loose this foot, sooner, rather than later. He is living with a lovely woman who is 10 years his senior. She has many of her one demons to fight. She has 3 children. The youngest of these children started having babies at the age of 15. She has 5 children under the age of 13. Most of the baby daddy's are incarcerated. There are at least 2 or 3 of them. She has never been on drugs and does not drink. She is currently living in a shelter because she has no job and no money. She bares more than a striking resemblance to the "Octo-Mom". My brother and his girlfriend are in no position to help her financially. My mother often has to help him. His SS payments leave him with less than $80 extra a month after paying the rent. We had a real long heart to heart conversation a few weeks ago and for the first time in my life, I do believe that he loves me. Saturday afternoon I am treating him to a play. Jesus Christ Superstar. It has always been our favorite. We have seen it many, many times over the years. It will be a pleasant day.

One of my oldest and dearest friends is in the hospital as I write this, sitting vigil by her fathers bedside awaiting his transfer to a Hospice Center. They are on the Death Watch. Her mother is my mothers best friend. Her father is my mothers first cousin. His mother and father were married to the sister and brother of my mothers parents. That's how it went down for the Irish Catholic in Brooklyn back then. This time last year, I was the one sitting vigil by fathers bedside awaiting his eminent death. It is very surreal to not be the one in pain, to not be the one who is frightened and sad. It hurts me to see my friend hurting. I know full well how profoundly her life will be changed following the loss of her father. My heart breaks for these people who have always been a part of my life. I think my mother feels a certain sense of glee over this. I know that sounds awful, but she is not an awful person. It just that my mom has suffered a great deal of loss and suffering in her life and she has always felt, with some degree of truth to it, that no one could understand.

I had to have a minor gynecological surgical procedure done yesterday. The removal of some precancerous cells. Not a big deal, but the first time my physician attempted the procedure a few weeks ago it did not take and it had to be redone last night. It all went well, I am on the four month follow plan to make sure I remain cancer free. I sent the man I spoke of a few paragraphs ago, a quick text message last night to let him it was done, that it went well and she was able to get all of the cells successfully. He wrote back that he was glad to hear it, and wouldn't bother me again last night so I could rest. OK, it is 10:56 a.m. here in NY, and I am obviously well enough to be here, in my office, writing this. Am I am wrong to think it would have been nice if he had bothered to contact me this morning to make sure I was OK? Just sayin'...

The man that I am sure is my soul mate, whom I dated when I was young, is now married, to someone else and she is an alcoholic. He is not happy, but he is committed. He is hopeful she will one day stop. He gives her ultimatums. She promises that next Monday will be the day. Next Monday comes and goes and she simply can not put the bottle down. I know, and He knows, that she is an alcoholic. But I know and You know that this is a disease, not just weakness on her part. She is powerless over alcohol. He did not cause this, he can not control it and he can not cure it. He does not accept this. He does not work a program. He is becoming a sad and broken man. We speak or email almost daily. I have not seen him in over 13 years. When we speak it is as if I just saw him last night. We have that connection. He will never leave her and she will probably never stop drinking. She is a lucky woman. HE called me first thing this morning to see how I felt and to make sure everything went well with the procedure last night. I may have to stop communicating with him soon, although I will miss him. It is starting to hurt. Just a little.

So this is just me, Kel. Stopping in to say hello.

One word, one letter, one line

noreply@blogger.com (kel) — Tue, 03 Mar 2009 16:05:00 +0000

I am stealing this idea from Syd, who took the suggestion from Dave, hoping it will help motivate me to start blogging again.

Give a one word answer to the following questions. Some are thought-provoking. Try it on your blog.

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk
2. Your significant other? Fighting
3. Your hair? Blonde
4. Your mother? Crazy
5. Your father? Missed
6. Your favorite thing? Rest
7. Your dream last night? Forgotten
8. Your favorite drink? Latte
9. Your dream/goal? Serenity
10. The room you’re in? Office
11. Your fear? Alone
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Content
13. Where were you last night? home
14. What you’re not? Happy
15. Muffins? Top
16. One of your wish list items? Imac
17. Where you grew up? House
18. The last thing you did? Typed
19. What are you wearing? Suit
20. Your TV? Sony
21. Your pet? Loved
22. Your computer? Broken
23. Your life? Unfulfilling
24. Your mood? Anxious
25. Missing someone? Deeply
26. Your car? SUV
27. Something you’re not wearing? Jewelry
28. Favorite store? Wholefoods
29. Summer? Hurry!
30. Favorite color? Pink
31. Why did you laugh last? Expected
32. Why did you cry last? Sad
33. Who will repost this? Uncertain
34. A place I go over and over: Mind
35. Someone who emails me: Friend
36. Place I would rather be right now: Home

When it's good, then it's good, It's all good 'till it goes bad...

noreply@blogger.com (kel) — Wed, 25 Feb 2009 16:06:00 +0000

Its been a long while. I know and I am sorry. I am still here reading you all every day, just have been all wrapped up in my own head the last few days, weeks, months, well years really. And it is clearly time to get out of there.

OK let me start by saying this. Hi, my name is Kel, and I am quite sure I am an alcoholic. At the very least I am an alcohol abuser. I am not sure quite when or how this happened but I am quite sure it is time to do something about it.

Hang in there folks...

That it's too late to apologize...

noreply@blogger.com (kel) — Mon, 29 Dec 2008 19:06:00 +0000

Hope you all had a wonderful holiday and are getting ready for a peaceful new year. I had a different kind of post planned for today, but something just happened here at work and I need to share it because it has left me sad and confused.

I had written a brief little something last year about a good friend that I work with, during the whole "monster" drama. You can look back at it here: if you are so inclined. http://cloudiebay.blogspot.com/2007/12/you-shut-your-mouth-how-dare-you-say.html

So when I was caught in the abusive relationship with the Monster, I was not "allowed" to be friends with this lady, and even if I was, she was not interested in being my friend anyway as she did not approve of the relationship and kind of had the vision to see what was to come, that the relationship would end up violently if not tragically.

After all was said and done and I came to work broken, bruised and beaten, she came over to me and didn't really say I told you so, but expressed her sadness at what had happened and hoped I had learned and would finally stay away from this man. I did and I did.

We managed to slowly rebuild the friendship. It was difficult, as she had really felt I had hurt her, and I know that I did say some terrible things to her, but I was the one who was in the abusive relationship. I was the one who was forced to tell her things I did not mean because this horrible man was going to knock me across a room if I did not.

So fast forward to last week. She asked me to giver her a ride home as her car was in the shop and invited me to come to her house for a quick visit after work to have a glass of wine and see her Christmas tree. I gracefully accepted. Grateful that I would be welcomed in her home after all the pain and drama of the past year. As we sat chatting, I shared this gratitude with her and we got into a conversation on the rebuilding of our relationship and a few stories of past hurts, etc. At some point in the conversation, I extended an invitation to her and her partner to come to my house one day this week to come to my house and see my tree and maybe have a bite to eat. I did not realize she fully accepted this invite without consulting with her girlfriend and that it was set in stone, that the day would be today.

So now it is Christmas Eve, and Christmas, and a million things to do and a busy week and at some point during the week, I invited new guys parents to my house for dinner tonight, completely forgetting about the invitation I extended to my friend from work. I come back to work today and we are all catching up, and chatting and I mention that the new guys parents are coming for dinner and a few minutes later I get this email from my work friend:

"I need to just kind of “put this out there” because it’s a little unsettling to me that, well, I guess you totally forgot that you had invited me and *** to come over tonight to see your tree and “possibly meet new guy” – but of course you’ve made other plans. It’s awkward for me --and while *** asked me to thank you but said she couldn’t make it because she’s working until 8, I guess tonight when she asks what I ended up doing I can just make up some reason that I told you I couldn’t make it – or I could tell her that we were sort of uninvited because you’d made other plans – but in any case it puts me back to a place I don’t want to be in.

I wouldn’t say anything like this in front of ** (our officemate) but there’s no other time I’d be able to talk to you. I know I used the word “unsettling” but the truth is it’s just plain hurtful. On Tuesday you’d made it very clear that you were extending this invitation. I know I didn’t misunderstand it. I just don’t know what it means that you would just forget about it. "

So of course I sent back my deepest apologies, how flaky of me, how sorry, etc. Only to be followed up with a series of emails about how my behavior makes her vulnerable, and my friendship is conditional, etc. etc. etc. I acknowledge I was wrong in forgetting, but it was not purposely. And certainly never intended to be hurtful.

Ten emails or so later, I have been forgiven, but basically also made to feel like a total loser and bad friend and person. Since when did EVERYTHING have to be so much work? Am I wrong to feel a little miffed about this? Was what I did so awful? Is it no longer acceptable or in vogue to be human and make a mistake?

Told a story about a man who is too afraid to fly so he never did land...

noreply@blogger.com (kel) — Wed, 17 Dec 2008 19:09:00 +0000

Last weekend, I met the new guys parents. Apparently I can really turn it on when I want to, as they loved everything about me. OK, maybe they are just happy that at 48 years old, he has found someone and he is happy.

I was ridiculously nervous. I felt like I was 18 years old and not 40 years old. I couldn't eat a thing all day. I spent hours trying on different outfits, feeling I had to look perfect. I could not understand why it was so important to me that they love me. I mean, clearly, it is better if they do, but still.

The meeting of his parents had started to become sort of a bone of contention with us. We have been seeing each other rather seriously for about 7 months. He spends alot of time with his parents and never invited me although his parents were quite anxious to meet me. I was a bit surprised when the last few weeks he kept asking me if we could go spend a few hours with his parents so I could meet them. I couldn't help but wonder why the sudden change of heart. Was it to appease his parents or me or was it because HE wanted me to meet them. His response was, that it was all three, and basically it was just the right time.

So my friends and family keep insisting that this is a really big "step" in our relationship, that this means we are serious, and he must be marriage minded, blah, blah, blah. I don't think this way at all. Although it did make me feel good that he brought me "home" so to speak. So yesterday he starts this weird little text message fight with me about the state of our relationship and how I seem increasingly unhappy and did I want to continue the relationship. WTF??

We talked it out, and I reassured him that I was very, very happy in this relationship and want very much to stay in it and that I will work harder at showing my feelings as I have a tendency to not let anyone in or to get to close for fear of them seeing the real me and not loving me anymore. Another character defect I am becoming aware of and going to work on removing.

So I guess I am a little afraid of how I am feeling, this is the most grown up relationship I have ever been in. This is a nice, gentle, good man that doesn't need me screwing with his head and his heart while I try to learn how to do this right and selflessly. I have to learn to not pick fights when I am feeling needy and instead ask to be reassured. I have to be willing to give the love I want back in return. I must realize that this isn't all about me, and I can not do things I know will hurt him. I have to be careful not to let this relationship take on a life of it's own and move at a pace I am not ready for. Like everything else in my life, I have to remember to take it one step at a time. And I have to remind myself to have fun and to not take it all so seriously.

So, OK, not one of my more interesting posts, but it is what is going on with me today. Love you all much!

My soul slides away, but don't lookback in anger...

noreply@blogger.com (kel) — Fri, 12 Dec 2008 18:59:00 +0000

Today I am struggling with lots of angry feelings. Resentments and anger. When I made the decision to buy a house with my parents in order to help my father and upon his passing, be there for my mother, I knew it would not be an easy ride.

My mother and I are very close. More like sisters or friends than mother and daughter and this sometimes creates a problem within itself. You guessed it: boundary issues. For the most part we get along but lately there been a storm brewing slowly, yet powerfully, within our relationship beneath the surface.

I feel a certain level of resentment from her when I spend alot of time with the new guy. Mind you, I rarely go out with him if La Petit is home, usually only on the weekends when he is with his father or the one night during the week when he has dinner with him. On the opposite weekends, when La Petit is home with me, sometimes New Guy will come over, and so will the Prince and his G/F and we will all order a pizza, watch movies, play a game etc. So it is not interfering with La Petit and leaving him out of the loop. On those weekends when I feel my son needs alone Mommy time, I have no problem telling New Guy that I can't see him.

Earlier this week, I met my mother at a local mall after work to do some shopping. I had planned on meeting new guy afterwards for a quick dinner. My mother got a bit pissy saying why did I need to see him so much? And why during the week? And I understand she is lonely and sad, an alcoholic. I hate that I am feeling and acting selfish and childish, but I need to build a life of my own as well.

If the new guy issue was the only problem, I could deal with it. We own the house jointly and as such, share all of the household expenses equally. We have a joint account and we each contribute the same amount to it each month. This account has a debit card that my mother holds. We sometimes shop together for food and household items together and pay for it out of this account. More often than not, I do more of the food shopping, take car of the puppy's expenses, etc. on my own and pay for it out of pocket. I never think twice about this.

Recently upon reviewing the balances on our account, I came across some charges for a price club like store, and questioned the expenses. Mind you, it is not a matter of trust, I trust my mother one hundred percent, but I couldn't understand where 3 trip to price club at over a hundred dollars a pop in under a weeks time. I do not feel extra food purchases for my brother and Christmas shopping is something that should be paid for using our joint account.

We discussed it briefly and I thought the issue had been put to rest. I didn't intend to sound accusatory, and thought I was behaving responsibly by tracking my own finances. In the evenings, when my mother begins her wine consumption, she has been bringing up the conversation repeatedly and becoming defensive and argumentative about the situation. She is also starting to snip at La Petit and it is becoming a battlefield in my home. I left my husband for that reason, and I am simply incapable of living that way again.

I love my mother and hate to fight with her. I hate how I am feeling today. I need to find a way to step outside of my anger. This is a major character defect of mine. When I am upset, or sad or unhappy or unsatisfied, it turns to anger. And my anger is an ugly thing, I take it out on all of those around me and I can not shake it off easily. After feeling angry last night I lashed out at La Petit and while doing so I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, and the woman looking back at me was a scary, scary person.

Why do you come here? And why do you hang around?

noreply@blogger.com (kel) — Wed, 10 Dec 2008 15:23:00 +0000

Good morning all. Yes, I'm still around, just feeling incredibly lazy about blogging. I still check in with you all each morning though.

Having some really mixed feelings about the holidays and the loss of my Dad this past spring. I feel as though I should miss him more than I do. I keep having this same reoccurring dream about him, that he dies, we all go to his funeral, and then it turns out he wasn't really dead after all, and he is back, and then he just dies again. In the dream, I am thinking how my job just isn't going to believe this and won't give me the time off to go to his funeral again.

My father had been so sick for so long, that it was difficult to be around him. Painful almost. He suffered a massive stroke many years ago that left him paralyzed on his left side, then throw in the pancreatic cancer, numerous surgeries, and chemo therapy and it was like looking at the walking dead. It was difficult for him to get around, he walked with a cane, but very, very slowly. He fell more often then he did not. He lost control of his bowels not long before he entered the hospital for the last time. He would often vomit violently without notice and for hours on end. He had no life, and little dignity left for the last few years.

Being around made me anxious and nervous. I could barely stand to watch him fall. It just broke my heart to see him so sick, so broken. Although I miss my father, I am almost grateful that he is no longer with us. It just seems fairer that he is out of his misery, although he fought like hell to stay in this world. And that is where I feel so guilty.

I often long for the days of my early twenties when he was sick, but still functioned in life. My children were young, and although I was never happily married, I was content enough. Drugs, alcohol and addiction hadn't had their evil way with my family yet. Everything now is just, well, its just different. My mother is sad and lonely and drunk on wine most of the time. Her health isn't great and she doesn't seem to care. My Prince seems to be clean, I see him often enough, but I often have doubts if he is using by the hours he sometimes keeps. Sober people don't stay in bed till 5 or 6 in the evening on a Sunday, you know?

So I think I will throw out some gratitude for the things in the life that I do have to try to lift me up a bit this day.

That I have a job that should remain secure through the fiscal nightmare our country is going through.
La Petit having a better week in school so far and seems to be making a little more effort to take it a little more serious.
For the pretty red wrapping paper I am using to wrap all of my presents in. I haven't done that in a really long time and it just looks so elegant.
For the sweet man I am still dating. Taking it slow and easy in this relationship is nice.
The Prince having and maintaining a decent job. I don't think he fully understands how bad the economy and job market is, and how lucky he is to have a job in the first place.
For my precious puppy Saki, Sorry Lou, I am all about the my dog!! He is the love of my life and I have never been an animal person!
For good friends that don't turn heir backs on me because I as bad at returning phone calls as I am about keeping my blog up to date.
The gym membership I purchased a few weeks ago,haven't made it there yet, but I do have my gym bag in the car, just ready and waiting for me to get motivated.
For all of the great bloggers out there that continue to awe and inspire me with their experience, strength and hope.

On a routine expedition...

noreply@blogger.com (kel) — Thu, 20 Nov 2008 19:53:00 +0000

Does anyone else remember this guy? Does anybody else ever wish that their fight for peace and survival in this world were more akin to that of the Marshall family fighting off humanoid insects and reptilian creatures instead of the real life drama in their lives? Sigh... maybe it's just me.

It's just another ordinary miracle today...

noreply@blogger.com (kel) — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 20:14:00 +0000

My world is, for the moment, calm. Just dealing with the little everyday dramas that the working Moms of the world deal with everyday. No more, no less. Thankfully, also being the mother of an addict, I have nothing to report on that front.

The Prince seems to be doing OK. He is still working full-time. He called this morning asking if he had his own skis, as he was planning a ski trip in January with his girlfriend and some other couples. Planning a ski trip!!! Like a normal child! (I know I know, normal is relative) But still, it just made me feel good to hear him making plans to do something constructive.

I offered to borrow a set of skis from the man I am seeing, as he used to be an avid skier. The Prince graciously declined my offer, as he did not want to borrow some one elses skis in case something happened to them. Could this be... Responsible thinking??

As the summer days blended quietly into autumn, I have found myself spending more and more time with the new guy. Things are mostly good, and we are becoming rather comfortable together. Comfort finds me wanting to cook for him, and alot more nights on the couch watching movies and eating junk food. Comfort has me wearing my fat jeans to the office today as my normal work clothes seem to be shrinking at an alarming rate. I have always had body image issues and this is not good for me. Imagine my horror when my office mate told me yesterday that I was looking curvy and that I should maybe think up upgrading my clothing size!! Today, as she walked behind me back up the stairs after a fire drill, she whispered to me that she was going to start calling me "Big Butt". She tried to back it up, like now I finally have a butt and it looks good etc. But really? Who says these kinds of things? And now it could well make me not enjoy the amazing cheese fondue I have planned for tonight....

No more words...

noreply@blogger.com (kel) — Sat, 01 Nov 2008 19:13:00 +0000

Courtesy wordle.net, I gave it my blog URL and it created this word cloud. Very insightful. Make your own.

So when you feel like hope is gone, Look inside you and be strong...

noreply@blogger.com (kel) — Fri, 31 Oct 2008 17:32:00 +0000

I found this little blurb in the back of my date book this morning. I came across it a few years ago when my Prince was deep within his disease and I had taped it on my bathroom mirror, under my keyboard, and various other places so I could see it and read it often. It gave me much needed hope and comfort in those early days, long before I had the strength and power to learn to Let go and Let God.

These days my Prince is clean, not necessarily sober, he still drinks alcohol, but he is drug free, working full time, leading a productive life and we have built a loving adult relationship. I am extremely proud of him and all that he has overcome. I know enough that it will always be one day at a time with him, but I have learned to trust in him and keep the boundaries that are so necessary to continue to love him in a way that is healthy for us both.

Anyway, I thought I would share it with you all now in the spirit that it can give someone else the comfort it gave me.

*****

WHATEVER YOU DO, DON'T GIVE UP

That child who upsets you so much is the same little boy or girl who,

only yesterday gave you such joy.

They're in way over their heads,

and they never needed you quite as much

as they need you now.

No matter what they say.

*****

Wishing you all a safe, sober and Happy Halloween. Much love to you all!

What comes around, goes around...

noreply@blogger.com (kel) — Thu, 30 Oct 2008 16:40:00 +0000

The monster who beat me a few months back is due back in court next week for sentencing. I have been asked to write a letter giving an overview of the relationship and detailing the abuse and subsequent impact on me since.

This is what I am sending them over today. Your comments, are most welcome.

XXX County Probation Department
Att: Officer XXX
County Seat Drive
XXX, NY 11111

RE: The Monster
Offense: March 10, 2008

October 30, 2008

Dear Officer XXX:

In the early hours of March 10, 2008, I was the victim of a physical assault, in my home, at the hands of the defendant, The monster, which resulted in his immediate arrest. I have been asked by Probation Officer XXX for a synopsis of my relationship with the defendant, my comments and recommendation as to his sentencing and the impact of the attack on my family and I.

I met the defendant, who was a friend of one of my relatives in the fall of 2007, as I was ending an 18 year marriage. We began seeing each other regularly, and within 2 or 3 weeks of seeing each other, the defendant proclaimed he loved me, and began requiring constant reassurance that he "mattered" to me. He needed and wanted to be important in my world. When we spent time together it was never enough. When I had to go home, he would become angry and sullen; disappointed that I didn't feel the same about leaving him. The defendant often stated that I clearly didn't love him as much as he loved me and if I did, I would dismiss my responsibilities and spend more time with him. When I went out with friends, he would find emergent reasons to call me and keep me on the phone while I was out, and then accuse me of making him look foolish in front of my friends. Insisting I inform my friends how much I was in love with him and how important our relationship was to me, that it was my priority. There was also constant warnings about not to speak to other men, because that would make me look like a whore, and how he "expected" that I would act appropriately as his "good little girl".

After I moved into my new house in November 2008, the defendant almost immediately moved himself in, without invitation. We fought a lot, and the fights tended to be the result of his jealousy and insecurity. According to the defendant, I spent too much time talking with son, or my mother, who lived in the house with me, and in his opinion I didn’t let my mother know just how important he was to me. He often complained I did not show enough affection in front of others and therefore I was being cold, distant and disrespectful. Every argument was the same, that I didn't treat him with enough respect, that I would make him look like a "chump" and that he was the best thing that has ever or will ever happen to me, and that I was going to loose him and I would be sorry for it. How I was going to end up an old lonely bitter woman.
Prior to my relationship with the defendant, I was married to the same man for 18 years. I married at a very young age to a gentle, non-confrontational man, and did not have a lot of experience with relationships or dating. As a result, I did not realize that the jealousy, rage, anger and violence the defendant directed towards me by the defendant, were signs of abuse, not love. These behaviors were controlling, emotionally and physically abusive, and as much as I wished it would change, that the defendant could change, it would not. I can see now, that allowing the defendant to stay in my life, and to continue the relationship with him were the result of my suffering from Battered Woman Syndrome.

The first “red flag” the defendant showed that I did not recognize as unstable behavior at the time, occurred when he would become angry, he would literally punch himself in the head, repeatedly. Sometimes with his fists, sometimes with a cell phone or with whatever he had in his hands. He once smashed my cell phone against his head, breaking it, when he saw that a platonic, male friend had called me. I was then instructed to call my friend and tell him we were not going to be friends any longer

The defendant would question me, to the point of harassment about my past relationships and my marriage. Demanding to know why I stayed married so long if my marriage was an unhappy one, and then he would insult me and say horrible things about me and how pathetic I was that I stayed with my ex-husband for so long, and then he would switch gears and insist that he bets that I stilled loved my ex-husband, and that I was a lying bitch, and how stupid I was for loving my husband at all.
As the relationship continued, his jealousy and insecurity grew. He expected, or rather, demanded me to despise my ex-husband and to cease any relationship with him or his family. He did not see any reason for us to communicate, and if for some reason I had to, it should be done in his presence and I should be nasty and hurtful to him.

During this time, adding to my vulnerability, my father was very sick and was living out what was to be his final days in the hospital suffering from Pancreatic Cancer. The defendant would not allow me to visit my father; in case my ex-husband was visiting and insisted I wait for him to make these visits. This often resulted in much shorter visits than I preferred with my Dad, and have left me deeply regretful as my father passed away in May of this year. When we weren’t together, the defendant would insist I spend as much time as possible speaking to him on the telephone. I was often late for work in the mornings, as he would insist I stay on the phone with him while he drove over an hour commuting to his job. He would expect me to be available to speak with him all day while I was at work, or while I was at lunch. I hold a responsible position as an administrator in a school district and this impacted negatively on my job performance at this time.
When we argued, he would insult my friends, my family, my clothes and my job. He would stop at nothing to make me feel little and awful. He knew my weaknesses and preyed on them. When we weren't fighting he would say he only said these things in anger and to hurt me because I hurt him so deeply and often. It was a vicious cycle that left me confused and hurt.The first real sign of violence occurred one evening we were having an argument, when he became enraged and smashed a wine bottle, shattering it, leaving a trail of broken glass across my kitchen, then went into my bedroom and smashed and broke my jewelry box and shredded some clothes I had just purchased.

On other occasions, he has smashed my car windshield, kicked numerous dents into my car, thrown and dumped my belongings around my bedroom and home while packing his clothes, tore down my closet organizers, spit on me, threw phones, glasses, and other items across the room and into walls. These incidents have been documented with prior police reports that are on file with the District Attorney.
The physical violence I endured, up to and including the final beating started with a smack across the face, being shoved a few times, to being strangled so violently that I was in the air with my feet dangling, confident that I was going to die. Being dragged out of a restaurant by my hair, face smashed into the car door. When he hit, it was usually with a closed fist to the eye. The last beating included repeated closed fist punches to the face, choking me, throwing me around and across the room, and numerous punches to my ribs and torso.

It is my absolute belief, if my mother were not at home at the time of the attack, and if she did not hear my screams and come to my aid, that the defendant could have and would have killed me. This is something I struggle to deal with on a daily basis.

As a result of the assault, I was out of work for a quite awhile. Upon my return, I wore sunglasses for over two weeks to try to hide the severely blackened eyes I suffered as a result of the beating. I was in physical pain for months, and I am still under the care of a chiropractor for the treatment of a herniated disk and other trauma that was done to my back and neck as a direct result of this attack. I still struggle to understand my own feelings about the battering. I no longer feel a sense of personal safety, and I suffer from feelings of helplessness and fear.

My 12 year old son was in the house during the assault, and although he thankfully did not wake up at the time, he is now in therapy trying to work through his fears and feelings of guilt as to not being able to come to my aide while this was happening. He worries constantly and lives in fear of someone trying to cause me harm or death. He suffers anxiety attacks and nightmares and can barely let me out of his sight.

As far as my recommendation to the courts in regard to his sentencing, I do not feel that I am in a position to make such recommendations, as I trust the court to prosecute the defendant to the fullest extent possible. However, I would like it stated for the record, that I am quite disappointed that the additional charges were dropped and the defendant will only be charged with assault. It is my opinion that the defendant is a menace, and is dangerous to himself and to others. I am confident that the court will continue the order of protection against him and the defendant will be punished accordingly and severely as it sees fit.

Sincerely,