Friday, October 31, 2008

So when you feel like hope is gone, Look inside you and be strong...

I found this little blurb in the back of my date book this morning. I came across it a few years ago when my Prince was deep within his disease and I had taped it on my bathroom mirror, under my keyboard, and various other places so I could see it and read it often. It gave me much needed hope and comfort in those early days, long before I had the strength and power to learn to Let go and Let God.

These days my Prince is clean, not necessarily sober, he still drinks alcohol, but he is drug free, working full time, leading a productive life and we have built a loving adult relationship. I am extremely proud of him and all that he has overcome. I know enough that it will always be one day at a time with him, but I have learned to trust in him and keep the boundaries that are so necessary to continue to love him in a way that is healthy for us both.

Anyway, I thought I would share it with you all now in the spirit that it can give someone else the comfort it gave me.

That child who upsets you so much is the same little boy or girl who,
only yesterday gave you such joy.
They're in way over their heads,
and they never needed you quite as much
as they need you now.
No matter what they say.
Wishing you all a safe, sober and Happy Halloween. Much love to you all!

Thursday, October 30, 2008

What comes around, goes around...

The monster who beat me a few months back is due back in court next week for sentencing. I have been asked to write a letter giving an overview of the relationship and detailing the abuse and subsequent impact on me since.

This is what I am sending them over today. Your comments, are most welcome

XXX County Probation Department
Att: Officer XXX
County Seat Drive
XXX, NY 11111

RE: The Monster
Offense: March 10, 2008

October 30, 2008

Dear Officer XXX:

In the early hours of March 10, 2008, I was the victim of a physical assault, in my home, at the hands of the defendant, The monster, which resulted in his immediate arrest. I have been asked by Probation Officer XXX for a synopsis of my relationship with the defendant, my comments and recommendation as to his sentencing and the impact of the attack on my family and I.

I met the defendant, who was a friend of one of my relatives in the fall of 2007, as I was ending an 18 year marriage. We began seeing each other regularly, and within 2 or 3 weeks of seeing each other, the defendant proclaimed he loved me, and began requiring constant reassurance that he "mattered" to me. He needed and wanted to be important in my world. When we spent time together it was never enough. When I had to go home, he would become angry and sullen; disappointed that I didn't feel the same about leaving him. The defendant often stated that I clearly didn't love him as much as he loved me and if I did, I would dismiss my responsibilities and spend more time with him. When I went out with friends, he would find emergent reasons to call me and keep me on the phone while I was out, and then accuse me of making him look foolish in front of my friends. Insisting I inform my friends how much I was in love with him and how important our relationship was to me, that it was my priority. There was also constant warnings about not to speak to other men, because that would make me look like a whore, and how he "expected" that I would act appropriately as his "good little girl".

After I moved into my new house in November 2008, the defendant almost immediately moved himself in, without invitation. We fought a lot, and the fights tended to be the result of his jealousy and insecurity. According to the defendant, I spent too much time talking with son, or my mother, who lived in the house with me, and in his opinion I didn’t let my mother know just how important he was to me. He often complained I did not show enough affection in front of others and therefore I was being cold, distant and disrespectful. Every argument was the same, that I didn't treat him with enough respect, that I would make him look like a "chump" and that he was the best thing that has ever or will ever happen to me, and that I was going to loose him and I would be sorry for it. How I was going to end up an old lonely bitter woman.
Prior to my relationship with the defendant, I was married to the same man for 18 years. I married at a very young age to a gentle, non-confrontational man, and did not have a lot of experience with relationships or dating. As a result, I did not realize that the jealousy, rage, anger and violence the defendant directed towards me by the defendant, were signs of abuse, not love. These behaviors were controlling, emotionally and physically abusive, and as much as I wished it would change, that the defendant could change, it would not. I can see now, that allowing the defendant to stay in my life, and to continue the relationship with him were the result of my suffering from Battered Woman Syndrome.

The first “red flag” the defendant showed that I did not recognize as unstable behavior at the time, occurred when he would become angry, he would literally punch himself in the head, repeatedly. Sometimes with his fists, sometimes with a cell phone or with whatever he had in his hands. He once smashed my cell phone against his head, breaking it, when he saw that a platonic, male friend had called me. I was then instructed to call my friend and tell him we were not going to be friends any longer

The defendant would question me, to the point of harassment about my past relationships and my marriage. Demanding to know why I stayed married so long if my marriage was an unhappy one, and then he would insult me and say horrible things about me and how pathetic I was that I stayed with my ex-husband for so long, and then he would switch gears and insist that he bets that I stilled loved my ex-husband, and that I was a lying bitch, and how stupid I was for loving my husband at all.
As the relationship continued, his jealousy and insecurity grew. He expected, or rather, demanded me to despise my ex-husband and to cease any relationship with him or his family. He did not see any reason for us to communicate, and if for some reason I had to, it should be done in his presence and I should be nasty and hurtful to him.

During this time, adding to my vulnerability, my father was very sick and was living out what was to be his final days in the hospital suffering from Pancreatic Cancer. The defendant would not allow me to visit my father; in case my ex-husband was visiting and insisted I wait for him to make these visits. This often resulted in much shorter visits than I preferred with my Dad, and have left me deeply regretful as my father passed away in May of this year. When we weren’t together, the defendant would insist I spend as much time as possible speaking to him on the telephone. I was often late for work in the mornings, as he would insist I stay on the phone with him while he drove over an hour commuting to his job. He would expect me to be available to speak with him all day while I was at work, or while I was at lunch. I hold a responsible position as an administrator in a school district and this impacted negatively on my job performance at this time.
When we argued, he would insult my friends, my family, my clothes and my job. He would stop at nothing to make me feel little and awful. He knew my weaknesses and preyed on them. When we weren't fighting he would say he only said these things in anger and to hurt me because I hurt him so deeply and often. It was a vicious cycle that left me confused and hurt.The first real sign of violence occurred one evening we were having an argument, when he became enraged and smashed a wine bottle, shattering it, leaving a trail of broken glass across my kitchen, then went into my bedroom and smashed and broke my jewelry box and shredded some clothes I had just purchased.

On other occasions, he has smashed my car windshield, kicked numerous dents into my car, thrown and dumped my belongings around my bedroom and home while packing his clothes, tore down my closet organizers, spit on me, threw phones, glasses, and other items across the room and into walls. These incidents have been documented with prior police reports that are on file with the District Attorney.
The physical violence I endured, up to and including the final beating started with a smack across the face, being shoved a few times, to being strangled so violently that I was in the air with my feet dangling, confident that I was going to die. Being dragged out of a restaurant by my hair, face smashed into the car door. When he hit, it was usually with a closed fist to the eye. The last beating included repeated closed fist punches to the face, choking me, throwing me around and across the room, and numerous punches to my ribs and torso.

It is my absolute belief, if my mother were not at home at the time of the attack, and if she did not hear my screams and come to my aid, that the defendant could have and would have killed me. This is something I struggle to deal with on a daily basis.

As a result of the assault, I was out of work for a quite awhile. Upon my return, I wore sunglasses for over two weeks to try to hide the severely blackened eyes I suffered as a result of the beating. I was in physical pain for months, and I am still under the care of a chiropractor for the treatment of a herniated disk and other trauma that was done to my back and neck as a direct result of this attack. I still struggle to understand my own feelings about the battering. I no longer feel a sense of personal safety, and I suffer from feelings of helplessness and fear.

My 12 year old son was in the house during the assault, and although he thankfully did not wake up at the time, he is now in therapy trying to work through his fears and feelings of guilt as to not being able to come to my aide while this was happening. He worries constantly and lives in fear of someone trying to cause me harm or death. He suffers anxiety attacks and nightmares and can barely let me out of his sight.

As far as my recommendation to the courts in regard to his sentencing, I do not feel that I am in a position to make such recommendations, as I trust the court to prosecute the defendant to the fullest extent possible. However, I would like it stated for the record, that I am quite disappointed that the additional charges were dropped and the defendant will only be charged with assault. It is my opinion that the defendant is a menace, and is dangerous to himself and to others. I am confident that the court will continue the order of protection against him and the defendant will be punished accordingly and severely as it sees fit.


Thursday, October 23, 2008

S.O.S. Please someone help me...

I just got an email from La Petite's guidance counselor, telling me that he was seen smoking yesterday afternoon, off school grounds and after hours. There will be no disciplinary action. What the Fuck do I do now??? Can anyone say.... gateway???

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

It's time to spread our wings and fly...

I had planned on writing a light hearted post today on my lovely trip last week to Mexico. A trip I took with two friends of mine; we cross over 3 generations of women, I am 40, one is 53 and the other is 64. Chronologically speaking, one could be my sister, the other my mother. Each of us has become single over the last year for three very different reasons, I choose to leave my alcoholic husband of 18 years, the 53 year old lost her husband of 28 years to cancer, and the husband of the eldest of our group, left her for another woman after 43 years of marriage. Alas, this post will have to wait for another day.

Instead, I have some random thoughts that are quite honestly annihilating my ability to think straight, let alone function at my job. So, in living true to name of my blog, I need to share some of the things that truly lead me to believe... This can't be it...

Why oh why is it that I can not have a nice family meal with both of my children and my mother without the kids fighting, my blood pressure boiling and it just being miserable?

Why cant I accept the fact that I am not 20 years old any longer and any relationship I have with a man is not going to be all bells and whistles and I simply can not expect it to be all flowers and romance. But can I at least ask for an occasional flower?

Why is it that La Petit just cant seem to get his act together in school, at home, etc. And why oh why can I not learn to trust him just a little and stop blaming him for the sins of his brother?

Why am I constantly filled with this weird urgent sense of anticipation, when there is essentially, really nothing going on? What am I waiting for?

Why couldn't I have had the happy ending? The intact family? The loving husband, adoring children? The Ivy League education?

Why did my soul mate, whom I still communicate with daily via email, make a statement to me last week, while discussing his dissatisfaction with his life and his marriage, why did he choose the words, "this cant be it" to end his email? Did he find my blog or he is really my soul mate?

Why do I need constant reassurance from others that I am still pretty, smart, worthy? Why oh why can I not find it within myself?

Why did I allow that monster into my home, and into my life and to reap the damage he has done and he gets to just go about his business and I feel like a fool for it?

Why cant I just start over?

Monday, October 20, 2008

Vacation's all I ever wanted...

I am back in the office today after a week long vacation to beautiful Mexico with two good friends I used to work with. Just popping in to say hello and will try to catch up with all your blogs and write a post worthy of your precious reading time.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

So go ahead and get gone...

La Petite is giving me alot of trouble lately. This is a bright kid, master manipulator, and the love of my life. However, he is pushing limits. He seems to have become fascinated with marijuana. I found an online screen name he created where his name is "Pothead". The little trollop that is his on again off again sweetheart sent him a text message stating that "La Petit is a pot head, but he is my pothead". I drug tested him randomly over the last week, and he is coming up clean. I think he thinks it is "cool" to talk about drugs and to pretend he uses them. We had gotten into a long conversation about how cool and funny it was when he brother destroyed his own life, our family life and the million other things he has done to hurt this family when he was using. It's always something.

I feel he is looking to find a place he belongs. Unfortunately, he knows alot more about drugs than most of his peers based on what he has seen. I honestly thought he would be so very against drugs. I know I may sound like I have my head planted deeply up my backside, cause we all know how easy it is to pretend this isn't happening to "my" kid. I know better. I am just going to ride his little butt like nobodys' business and he better hope I do not so much as catch him spitting on the sidewalk.

I am trying really hard not to freak out, lecture and loose my cool with this kid. I am trying to be understanding. But let me tell you, it just isn't easy. I find myself detaching already, not letting myself get set up for the pain this could cause me. Instead of freaking out, I have told him calmly, on more than one occasion, that if that is the path he chooses, that he might as well pack up his crap and move in with his father, and I will gladly write the child support check each week and let him deal with it.

He should know I am not playing. I threw out his brother and cut him out of my life for using on more than one occasion and also had no problem putting his father to the curb. Good parenting skills? Doubtful. Self preservation? Absolutely.

Friday, October 03, 2008

You got it in you, find it within you...

Ok, so are y'all wearing your jeans today to support cancer? I was happy to pay $5 to wear jeans to work to support finding a cure today. My place of employment raised over $700 in just over an hour this morning. Yay us!

So yeah. 4 months and 3 days ago I lost my Dad to pancreatic cancer. A dear friend of one of my best friends, was diagnosed with Breast Cancer on June 18th of this year. June 20th she turned 40 years old. She has lymph node involvement, not a good thing. The Uncle of the man I am seeing, was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer a little more than 6 weeks ago. He is already in pain and is now in a wheelchair. It is highly unlikely he will see another Christmas.

I am sending prayers and love to those of you who have been touched with this other awful disease besides the disease of addiction we battle every day. So this is all I have to say today kids. Lets find a cure!!

(BTW, I am such a new yorker, I never say y'all in real life, I just love it!!!)