Wednesday, September 24, 2008

I bet you think this song is about you...

Judith at Vicarious Rising tagged me. I don't know why it makes me feel so special to be tagged, but it does!! I'm sure I have done this one before, but I will do it again anyway, just cause Judith loves me enough to have asked....

Here are the rules:

1. Link the person who tagged you.

2. Mention the rules on your blog.

3. Tell about 6 unspectacular quirks of yours.

4. Tag 6 following bloggers by linking them.

5. Leave a comment on each of the tagged blogger’s blogs letting them know they’ve been tagged.

Six Unspectacular Things About Me
  1. I am a bed snob. I have yet to sleep in a bed that I feel is on par with my own. I have the most fabulous over sized king bed that my friends tease me is comparable to that slept in by the Princess in the old fable, the Princess and the Pea. I spend a ridiculous amount of money on high thread count sheets, soft blankets, and pillows. I always sleep with at least one bottle of water and my cell phone next to me, or usually hidden under a pillow. I still don't sleep very well and rarely sleep through the night.
  2. It took me well over 30 minutes to figure out how to create the link above to Judith's blog. I am feeling ridiculously proud of myself for doing so, and this feeling of pride will likely last all day and set the tone for a much better afternoon. Some times, it really is all about the little things.
  3. I love fresh cut flowers, but hate roses. I almost always have a vase of cut white flowers on the nightstand next to my (fabulous) bed in my room and a bouquet in the living room. They don't have to be expensive and they rarely are. I usually buy them from the grocery store and I love the way they look poking out from my shopping bag. Flowers just make me smile on the inside.
  4. I dress well, but do not and have not ever really had a style or a look of my own. I always aspire too, but my look is basically pretty simple, in the summer I usually wear almost all white, and the winter, its pretty much all black.
  5. I am also incredibly anal retentive when it comes to my clothes and my closets. My closes are color coordinated. It starts on one end with white blouses and goes through a spectrum of colors until it reaches the black blouses. It makes my life a lot easier and I love to look at all of my clothes all in order. I also keep my shoes in their original shoe boxes and have a collection that could be considered the poor girls Imelda collection.
  6. My children are not gifted. They are just ordinary, no special talents, not particularly good students, not athletically inclined. But to me they are the most amazing creatures on this Earth. Sometimes when I can feel how much they love me too, I think I may just burst with joy.

So that's some more unspectacular little things you didn't need to know about me, so lets hear some unspectacular stuff from: Misery Marketing, my bestest BFF Tab, Wife of Dingus, Skillz, Beth and Cat. Have fun y'all.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Shut up, shut up, Don't wanna hear it...

On my drive into the office this morning I had a long phone conversation with a good friend. Actually, she is married to one of my cousins. Her husband is the brother of my cousin who introduced me to the monster last year. In order to simplify this, I will call her, Buzz.

Buzz and I are the youngest of 21 first cousins in our family. I am just a little more than a year older than her. We were always rather close growing up. She has 5 older brothers and no sisters. As I also have only a brother, so we were sort of like sisters growing up as our families were very close.

As we grew up, we began to develop our own form of sibling rivalry. Her parents did not have alot of money for extras, as they were raising 6 children, whereas my parents, both worked, and there was only my brother and I, she therefore felt like I had it easier and better. We were both married and had children at around the same time. My two children were born six years apart, and I was able to buy a house before the birth of my second child. She had her three children within 4 years of each other and lived with her parents until they could afford to rent a small house.

She was a very poor money manager and did not want to work. They were always behind in their rent, phones and electric turned off, etc. It bothered her that I did not endure the same problems. She drank alot, ate alot. Never lost her baby weight. Jealousy started brewing and kind of tainted our relationship over the years. We would go through fazes of spending time together, speaking regularly, and then she would feel some unwarranted anger towards me. Then she would go out of her way to bash me and spread gossip and lies about me throughout the family.

Fortunately for me, most people in our family know what she is like and that she has a big problem telling the truth, and so it never really bothered me much. My regret here, is that I usually ended up forgiving her and moving past the drama and reconnecting. This is how I ended up meeting the monster.

She was friends with him and encouraged the two of us getting together. That is, until he and I were together. Suddenly she wasn't so happy about it. She basically trash talked him to me and trash talked me to him. Ultimately, we once again stopped speaking.

After the Monster beat me, she sent me a brief email inquiring if I was OK and I replied, that No, I most certainly was not. No response form her. Whatever. Fast forward to now. The friend I spoke to this morning has informed me that Buzz, is telling anyone that will listen various versions of the story of why I was beaten. One version states that I was jumping on his back, scratching his eyes out and putting cigarettes out on his body and he had to "knock" all 100lbs of me off of him to protect himself. Another version states that we were fighting over drugs (!) and that is how it started. Another version states it was all exaggerated and I knew the cops, was probably sleeping with the cops, and that is how I got him arrested, because I was madly in love with him and he was trying to break up with me.

I am furious. I am indignant. I mean who the F is this person to talk trash about me when she has no idea at all about what happened? A part of me wants to call or email her and defend myself. Tell the truth, set the record straight. I realize, clearly, that this cousin is one sick puppy and I need to never reconnect with her again. She has issues. Issues that I don't feel comfortable sharing here. Kind of like, don't want to sling any mud when she cant defend herself, you know?

I am just feeling very hurt and can not believe that this person has nothing better to talk about than what happened to me, at the hands of her friend. We all know the old saying, there are three sides to every story, his, mine and the truth. It irritates me that she feels compelled to spread this nonsense about me without at least attempting to hear my side of the story.

Buzz is getting married again in a few weeks. The monster is in her wedding party. This is creating quite a stir within the family. People who I have never told about the beating. She is the person who made sure everyone in the family knew what happened. So, I am now, once again, the subject of gossip and lies, not to mention it is being said that I got what I deserved.

I cant help but feel angry and want to defend myself. And then this morning, when I arrived at work, the following "recipe" was in my email in box:

1. Take a 10-30 minute walk every day. And while you walk, smile. It is the ultimate anti-depressant.
2. Sit in silence for at least 10 minutes each day. Talk to God about what is going on in your life. Buy a lock if you have to.
3. When you wake up in the morning complete the following statement, 'My purpose is to __________ today. I am thankful for______________'
4. Eat more foods that grow on trees and plants and eat less food that is manufactured in plants. 5. Drink green tea and plenty of water. Eat blueberries, wild Alaskan salmon, broccoli , almonds & walnuts.
6. Try to make at least three people smile each day.
7. Don't waste your precious energy on gossip, energy vampires, issues of the past, negative thoughts or things you cannot control. Instead invest your energy in the positive present moment.
8. Eat breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince and dinner like a college kid with a maxed out charge card.
9. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.
10. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.
11. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.
12. You are not so important that you have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.
13. Make peace with your past so it won't spoil the present.
14. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.
15. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.
16. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter?'
17. Forgive everyone for everything.
18. What other people think of you is none of your business.
19. GOD heals everything - but you have to ask Him.
20. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.
21. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch!!!
22. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.
23. Each night before you go to bed complete the following statements: I am thankful for __________ Today I accomplished _________.
24. Remember that you are too blessed to be stressed.
25. When you are feeling down, start listing your many blessings. You'll be smiling before you know it.
I feel better already!

Wednesday, September 17, 2008

What I want, is to find my place...

So the cutie pies above, they are MY babies. Princess is on the left, I share "custody" of her with the Prince. On the right is Sake, he is the love of my life. The puppies below, well, I just thought they were cute and smiley. Sorry for the confusion.

I have been caught all up in my own head alot lately. This is definitely not a good thing. I rarely feel light and happy any more and always feel as though there is something scratching beneath the surface of my brain.

I have been feeling very sad and longing for different times. Days when I was younger and happier and when my life still held surprises and hope. I know I sound rather dark and morbid, quite honestly, that is how I am feeling.

It saddens me when I look at my life, the life of children, and my family. My mother is a widow at 63. She is an alcoholic. She wants to retire. It seems as though she is unsure and incapable of rebuilding a life for herself without my Dad. She has no desire to stop drinking. Her life consists of getting up, going to work, coming home and waiting for it be early enough to open the wine.

My brother is going to be 43 years old in November. He is a diabetic who has lost 3 toes and much of his foot due to his disease. He still has a gaping hole on the bottom of his foot from the last amputations and it is still not healing. They have tried everything, and still it will not close. It is likely that he will lose the foot and his lower leg as a result. He is collecting SSI as he is unable (unwilling?) to work. He has less than five thousand dollars in the bank to get him through, well, basically the rest of his life unless he wins lotto or my Mom dies and he gets an inheritance. He is divorced from his first wife, whose young son believes my brother is his father. This is a good thing because his mom is an alcoholic/addict. My brother may be a mess, but at least he is a constant in this boys life. This boy, my nephew, has begun his own journey down the path we all know so well: failing/cutting school, smoking pot, a few beers now and then, breaking into my bros house when they were away on vacation, etc. He is 14 years old. My brother is just too sick and too tired (lazy?) to know what to do to help him. Been there, done that.

My younger son, La Petite, seems to be going through a slight depression. I have a sinking suspicion, that the summer girlfriend (little miss likes to take half naked pics of herself) has moved on and left him in the dust. Why this pleases me, it devastates to see him in pain, and we all know how those of us that carry the "gene" deal with pain... why we self medicate of course, and I am just scared to death that this is the path he will choose. The easy road.

I know I am powerless over the decisions and choices the people around me make. I can only control my own choices, and to be brutally honest, my own choices haven't been all that great lately. I have been drinking too much, and it frightens me a little. I too am finding it easier to just have a few glasses of wine and not think about the problems in my life. I have become the friend who always wants to have just one more glass of wine, before going to coffee. I have started to want a glass of wine or two before going out with the new guy to calm my nerves or so I feel more comfortable. All red flags, I know. And so not the example I want to set for La Petite.

I actually attended an open AA meeting a few weeks back. I was pretty quiet, sat alone in the back and did get up to introduce myself and accepted a desire coin. The few of my friends that I told thought I was crazy when I told them. I am not so sure. Do I believe I am an alcoholic? Again, I am not so sure. I know I have the potential, and I know I can drink too much. I also know this summer, there were more days in a row of drinking wine than there were sober. So I am currently abstaining. I will keep you posted on this latest twist.
Even though I have much more to share today, I will leave it at that, and try to get back into the habit of writing each day, because it is so cathartic for me and it is nice to know that are alot of you out there that follow, read and care. Much love to all of you. It means so much.

Tuesday, September 16, 2008

So Please, Love Me Do...

Ok, so, can someone please sign up to be a follower on my blog?

Friday, September 12, 2008

You can't always get what you want..

It's over. He plead guilty. I will not have to go to trial and I will not have to face him. When the monster arrived at court he thought he was still going to push this and try to get over. That is until the arresting officers arrived in court behind him. His lawyer advised immediately that he plead guilty. That going to trial was not something he wanted to do, he had no shot, no chance of beating these charges.

He will be sentenced on November 6th. My order of protection will remain in place for 5 years. The DA asked the judge for jail time. It is very unlikely the judge will do that. He said she is leaning more towards a very long term probation, as he is a "menace" and she wants to be able to monitor him. He will also be required to attend some kind of anger management and substance abuse classes. I will receive restitution for the damages done to my home. I am going to write the judge a letter asking her to reconsider and at least give him a little jail time, and to consider awarding restitution for my out of pocket medical expenses and the locksmith costs for changing my locks. He said it is possible. He said it is also something the probation department will consider as part of the terms of his probation.

I am pleased with the outcome. I would have been more pleased if he had been sentenced to, I don't know, maybe a public lynching? But he had to stand in front of the judge and say he was guilty of all the charges, and that is what I wanted. OK, I still want the public lynching too, but still.

I thought I would feel more vindicated. I don't. Yes, I am glad it is over. I have closure. But I am sad. Sad still, that this was done to me. Sad that these things happen every single day with much, much worse outcomes. I am lucky to have gotten out of this alive. I know this. I am just not a violent person and I still have a hard time comprehending this whole thing. It is all still a blurr to me. Little bits and pieces of memories that I can not fully focus on because it makes me absolutely cringe to remember it. That I would allow myself to be treated that way. So many months of such abuse.

But, it is finally over. Another chapter closed. Getting stronger every day.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

When she couldn't hold, oh, she folded...

Just want to say Thanks to all of you for your advice and support regarding La Petit on my last post. It means alot.

Not sure where this post will go today. I'm in kind of a cranky, mad at the world, feeling really anxious kind of mood. Can't seem to get back into a schedule or a routine with the back to school thing. Caught La Petit in a lie last night, straight on, boldface lie. Said he did his math homework, on the bus, and threw out the paper where he showed the work. Long story short, he couldn't do the work so he looked up the answers in the back of the book and just copied them down in frustration.

Am I such a nasty evil mom that he is afraid to come to me to ask for help? I had no problem siting with him for an hour helping him through it, that is, after I dug deep into the trenches of my memory to recall eight grade algebra. I actually really enjoyed sitting with him and think he got alot out of it. I just cant understand his thinking that he would rather get in trouble for not doing/showing the work, not asking for help and falling further behind and just setting the stage for a really lousy year in school.

Tomorrow the monster that beat me a while back has his final court hearing before it is determined if the case will go to trial. I think this is really contributing to my stress and anxiety today. I have a very strong case against him. The Assistant DA handling my case said this is one of the lead cases in my county right now because he really has no shot of beating it if he chooses to continue to plead not guilty and insists on going to trial. This makes me feel alot better and very proud of myself for going forward and pressing charges. What he did to me was just so wrong. I am still not over it or OK from it. I don't know if I ever will be. However, truth be told I am not looking forward to having to face him in court. I will have to testify and I will be frightened. An order of protection is just a piece of paper and I know this monster and I know he thinks he is going to walk away from this or I will back down, and when both of those things don't happen, I am not sure what he will do.

So this is me, today, just trying to stay positive and remind myself, this too shall pass.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

I've got soul, but Imm not a soldier...

La Petit started back into his last year of middle school earlier this week. I was feeling really good about it and about him, he really seems to be a in a good place. His self confidence and self esteem really elevated from this time a year ago. He was excited about the new year and looking forward to working harder and doing better.

He had a wonderful summer at camp. Things in our lives are much calmer since the departure of the Monster from our lives, since the Prince moved out and ceased communication with us and his grandfather, my father, passed away early summer. La Petit met a little girlfriend at camp. They were actually voted the cutest couple at the end of the summer. Very "Summer Lovin" from Grease...

La Petit takes Adderrall for his ADHD. A choice of meds I did not decide upon lightly, considering it is a known drug of abuse, it can be habit forming, etc. I filled his script on Monday evening before he was to start back at school on Tuesday. I counted to pills in the bottle (old habits die hard) and started him back on his meds Tuesday morning.

Yesterday, we were up early and going about our normal regular school and work day routine. I normally leave La Petits lunch money and his meds and vitamin on a paper towel on my kitchen counter. He switched things up yesterday by telling me he took his meds already. Something about that didn't sit right with me so I grabbed the bottle as I was walking out the door. I did a recount when I arrived at my office and there were 27 pills in the bottle instead of the 28 that should have been there.

OK, time to go into panic mode. Another teenager, hitting up the pills, shoot me now. I called him on his lunch break and asked how many pills he took in the morning, he said one. I asked then why was there a missing pill. He said he didn't know. Then he said oh yeah, one dropped down the drain. I don't really believe it but cant prove otherwise. I need to remember that counting pills is only effective when the pills are locked up and out of reach.

I come home last night and I am still really upset and I kind of tear apart his room looking for something or nothing in particular and decide that I am going to confiscate his cell phone since he seems to be up till all hours of the night texting his girlfriend.

Snoopy mom that I am I decide to check the cell phone texts. Smart like sucker that he is, he already erased them all anticipating this move on my part. Its kind of like a sick little dance that is all too familiar to me. For me it was like stepping back onto the dance floor and the steps just falling into place. For La petit, it must have been learned by osmosis from seeing his brother and I dance these same steps for so long. This little boy is not the innocent he portrays himself to be. His acting skills, however, are brilliant, absolutely brilliant!!

My next checkpoint on the cell phone is checking his pics. Where I discover pics his little barely thirteen year old girlfriend sent him of her self. She is half naked, beyond provocatively posed and practically pulling off her panties in these pics. As in, little Miss cant keep her panties on.

OK, so WTF?? Seriously??