Friday, September 28, 2007

Till the pain is so big you feel nothing at all

You know, it just amazes me sometimes how quickly things can spiral downwards. This has been a very trying week or two. Earlier this week the Prince was laid off of his job. He worked for a Marina, and with the summer and therefore the season over, they don't need him any longer. Understandable and predictable, but he was devastated. Of course he hasn't done much in the way of looking for work since then.

He just called me a few minutes ago. Last night he was "jumped" by three guys and they beat the hell out of him and stole his cell phone. Nice. I wasn't very nice to him about and I feel badly but it is just so f-ing frustrating. He just doesn't get it.

I am just so tired of this. My life is poised and ready for change and it is so close, it just can't happen fast enough for me and I just don't know what to do with this Prince of mine. Besides letting him go....

Thursday, September 20, 2007

I don't know how to love him...

Received a phone call from my father in law one evening earlier this week. He picked up the Prince from work and did not like the way he looked, implying he looked high or something like it, and he articulated that to the Prince in no uncertain terms. The Prince, in true princely fashion proceeded to freak out on his grandfather and went into his typical rant how everyone is against him and how much it pisses him off to be accused of doing something wrong all the time, and how it is total bullsh*t that he has an 11 pm curfew, blah blah blah.

This, is typical Prince Charming using behavior. I can feel the spiral beginning. I am thinking maybe it is going to be pills this time. I explained to my F-I-L that I knew for a fact that the Prince was smoking pot and drinking regularly, nightly actually. He didn't seem to believe me, or didn't seem to want to hear it is more accurate.

Today, I finally had a conference call with his old HS (he did not graduate this past June as he should have) I have battling with them all summer to get his education back on track. They have finally approved him for home instruction to fulfill the final few credits he needs for graduation. He will receive home instruction from a tutor at the local library for eight hours a week and if he takes it serious, he will graduate in January. He will able to keep his full time job as well. I am trying not to project too much and trying to have a little faith in him (thanks for the cue there Tabby...) that he will do the next right thing.

I often feel as though I have let him down so much. Then in letting him go, I cut him out of my life, and sometimes out of my heart. I am a type A personality. There is very little room for gray area in my life. Our relationship is a formal, pleasant one at best. But to me it seems almost non-existent. We speak occasionally on the phone, when he can spare two seconds for me. I see him once every few weeks. To be fair, I do not often go out of my way to see him either. I am still so hurt and wounded by his choices and I think at some level I am also preparing for what I still fear will be his own death from an overdose.

I love him so much, but I still just do not like him very much right now. That's okay isn't it?

Monday, September 17, 2007

The life Ive left behind me, is a cold room...

So, can anyone please advise me on how to delete ridiculous, unwanted comments?? I have been hit hard this past weekend.....

My niece has been staying with me for the last week, she is staying another week. She is not related to me by blood. She is the daughter of a girl who had been my best friend for most of my life, since junior high school maybe. Her daughter was born three months before the Prince, and we basically raised them together. Her marriage failed within a year of her daughter being born, and she then entered one dysfunctional relationship after another, never securing stable employment, never home to take care of her daughter, etc. A year or so she got involved with a man who was still married, yet he wanted to own her as well. She ended up quitting what little employment she had at the time, spending all of her time with this so called man and ultimately, lost her apartment, her car and most of her self-respect. Her daughter had to move to North Carolina to live with her grandparents. This man beats her up, throws her out of the house and then begs her to come back and then the cycle repeats itself again. I have heard from more than one person that cocaine and alcohol abuse play a large part in their lives. This is ultimately what has damaged our relationship, she is toxic, and I fear this man will one day kill her and I can not do anything about it. Once again, me trying to control a situation that is outside of my control.

My niece has told me that the Prince is using pot and alcohol on a daily basis. I knew this, and I suspect cocaine as well. He has one of those friends social pages and his picture on his profile is a picture of him in the backseat of someones car, swigging directly from a large bottle of something wrapped in a brown paper bag. How charming. So not only is he still choosing a dangerous path to take, he is doing it once again with pride. Letting the whole world know that he thumbs his nose up to sobriety.

He has sold a cell phone, and another hand held video game. His response is that he can not "find" the video game and he gave the cell phone to a friend cause it didn't work. I wonder when exactly did he decide that I was a complete idiot? He has been trying to get his hands on another video system that belongs to him and La Petit. I know this is because he wants to sell it. I am not going to let him take it. It is back to having that feeling of being completely unable to trust him and not wanting him in my home at all. Not even for a few minutes.

In spite of this all, I am in a remarkably good place. I am able to function and focus on myself and La Petit and plan for our future. That future is very close. In approximately one and a half months we will move into our new home. Hopefully sooner. I am very excited. I feel more and more secure that I am doing the right thing. I spent some time with an old friend over the weekend, someone I hadn't seen in many many years. She is still married to the same man that she dated in high school, we were in each others wedding parties. She has two beautiful children, they bought a lovely home near the beach. You can see she is happy. She admits to lots of bumps in the road but she is still happy and her life is a nice one. She does things. She plays volleyball on a team, she goes to the gym. Her life is full and she looks complete. For the first time in a very long time, I felt nothing but pure happiness for another person. I am seriously prone to jealousy and self pity (I know, this is a huge shocker to those of you who have been reading my blog for a while) and for once, I felt GOOD to see another human so settled and having a good life. For the first time ever I felt that I could be in that position in a few small places.

This letting go business is tough stuff. But I am finally understanding that I must be in control of my own life, feelings and ultimately my destiny. Maybe I am going to have to let my guard down just a bit and be a little vulnerable and not worry so much about everyone else. There could be a life out there for me after all...

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

I'm in a New York State of Mind

As I drove to work this morning, there was more than the normal amount traffic due to some stormy weather. I listened to the radio and observed the moments of silence in remembrance of those who perished six years ago here in my beautiful NYC. I could swear, that as the last of the four bells chimed in honor of those lost that day, the sky opened up and the rain fell hard and fast, as though the heavens themselves were still weeping for those lost.

I am reminded that although my life is far from perfect, and the lives of my family are more than a little dysfunctional, I thought this would be a good time to step outside of myself and shout out a little gratitude.

Some Grati-tuesday

Although I have many friends and family who work in lower Manhattan, I am so fortunate to have not lost anyone on that frightful Tuesday six years ago.

My town is home to many of New York's finest and bravest and more than a few of the heroes that fell that day were locals. I am honored to have shared a zip code with these fine men.

I have reconnected with a member of my family whom I used consider my little sister. I had wronged her terribly around this same time six years ago, and caused her much pain and sorrow, but she has forgiven me despite that and we are together once again.

I live in a country where I am free to worship whatever G-d I choose, or none at all.I do not have to believe in a war that my country is involved in, but I can be thankful to our soldiers defending my right to feel that way and putting themselves in harms way each and every day to ensure that right for my children and their children.

The mothers and fathers and brothers and sisters of these fine young men and women who surely do not sleep at night, praying for the best, but fearing the worst.

I have changed jobs twice since that terrible Tuesday, each position furthering my career and my bank account. It is good to be an American woman in 2007.

Six years ago today, my Prince was beginning his middle school career. Within two years, he became addicted to a large spectrum of drugs and alcohol. He almost died while huffing inhalants, he has been in drug related fights that had left him with broken bones and spirit, he failed out of school, and almost destroyed himself and those who loved him the most. Today he is anxious to finish high school through home schooling, has completed one and a half years of rehab, he holds a full time job and he is not actively using cocaine to my knowledge. He does not completely embrace recovery, but he is alive and hopeful for the first time in a long time.

I am learning that I can not control the feelings, actions or behaviors of those around me. I am learning to let go. I am willing to accept progress not perfection.

I live in a place that was irrevocably changed six years ago today. I saw firsthand the destruction and pain that was caused by hate and ignorance. I also saw firsthand, an entire city, and an entire country stand together that day in unity, brought together by a madman. And we are still standing.

May G-d bless America.

Monday, September 10, 2007

Through these eyes Ive seeen the shape of thinggs to come...

After a long weekend, including a large family party on my father's side, meeting cousin's I did not even know I had, running around with La Petit procuring the last of the supplies he needs for school, running shoes for his participation in the middle school track team, helping him complete two book reports for his summer reading and the million other responsibilities we mothers have on weekends, I fell, exhausted into bed last night somewhere around 9:30 and tried to indulge myself with a little reading. My eyes did not stay open past 10:30. I awoke somewhere around 1:30, maybe 2:00 a.m. to an unidentifiable noise of some kind. I did not give it much thought, as La Petit is a restless sleeper and often bumps into or kicks the walls in his sleep.

Unable to fall back to sleep, I decided to make a trip to the loo, and as I came out of my room, I noticed the kitchen, hall and bathroom lights were all blazing and the odor of alcohol was stifling in the house. Upon entering the bathroom, I noticed a "puddle" ( I think you can figure out what the puddle was without me having to say sit) on the bathroom floor and the shower curtain half pulled down. Time to play hide and seek the drunk. I found him in La Petits bed. (La Petit has been sleeping in the Princes old room as his air conditioner is broken.) Passed out drunk, laying on top of La Petits skateboard, helmet and various other mess that he had left on his bed before he went to sleep last night. I guess I should be grateful that he was at least wearing underwear, as I often find him passed out drunk and naked.

I left him there, and just did a quick search of the house to make sure he didn't leave any lit cigarettes around, as is my biggest fear living with him is he will burn my house down while we are sleeping and kill us all.

Please, G-d, grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I can't change, the COURAGE to change the things I can, and the WISDOM to know the difference...

Friday, September 07, 2007

Don't hang on, Nothing lasts forever but the earth and sky...

Last night we met at my lawyers office to sign the contracts. My parents were meeting me there as well to sign the contracts on the house we are planning on buying together. AH was surprised to see them there. When I told them the reason they were there, he was shocked. I am thinking he did not think that I was really planning on buying this other house. As we were signing the contracts, it looked like he was going to cry for a moment.

My uncle took us all out to dinner to celebrate. It was bittersweet. I am thrilled to be almost rid of this house and out of this town that is just too painful for me to live in any longer. I am excited about the new house, the new start, the new beginning. It was awkward as my parents and La Petit were all talking about the new house and AH just sat there and said nothing. I felt sad for him. He doesn't ask any questions and sometimes he seems OK, and it makes me wonder if he is just as happy to be rid of me and our life. His lack of communication is disturbing. You can never tell what he is thinking, let alone feeling.

La Petit began his middle school career on Wednesday. Today, he is trying out for the track team. He is growing right before my eyes. He hasn't articulated it to me, but I sense he knows that his Dad may not be along for the ride much longer. There is so much change happening around me that I feel as though I am getting blown away by a strong wind. I only have two hands, I can only hold onto myself and La Petit. I just hope the others will be able to weather the storm without us. Because for the first time ever, I am not going to be there to clean up the mess that gets left behind.

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Ch- Ch- Changes...

Well, this is it. Tonight I am signing the contracts for the sale of the home I currently own with AH, and I will sign the new contract for the house I am going to buy with my parents.
The times... they are a changing...
Wish me luck y'all.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

My need is such I pretend too much, I'm lonely but no one can tell

My mother asked me last week if I was sure I wanted to end my marriage and buy this house together. I said I was sure about the new house and that ending the marriage was not something I could say was something I was sure about, but it was something I needed to do. My mother, while she is my closest friend, has been instrumental in alot of the decisions I have made in my life. When I told my parents I was pregnant and 20 and planned on getting married, she ran out the next day and planned a wedding, found an OBGYN for me, and my parents began the process of dormering the house so we would have a nice, safe place to live.

I do not mean to sound ungrateful. But sometimes she just steamrolls me and I don't know WTF happened. When I was pregnant with La Petit, the Prince was 5 years old and one day, while cleaning, I discovered that AH had been selling cocaine. He was a social user (if that is possible) in his teens and he had to stop when he took his job that random drug tests. I found a large amount of cocaine in his work bag, and hundreds of smaller little packages. I flushed it down the toilet and could not breathe. I woke him up a few hours later (he worked nights and slept during the day) and told him he needed to get the F out of bed, pack up his stuff and get out of my house.

We argued and argued and I was feeling so physically ill I did not know which direction to turn. I was 26 years old, I didn't have much of an education, just a few college credits, not much of a career path ahead of me, a 5 year old son, another baby on the way, and a drug dealing husband. My mother suggested that my options were so limited that I should stay where I was and make the best of a bad situation, go to counseling and put the whole thing behind me.

AH is the king of pretending something didn't happen. So I took her advice and stayed. A few weeks later my husband was put out of service for 6 or 8 weeks for drinking alcohol on the job. The next day I went into early labor and delivered La Petit 6 weeks early. I really didn't know he was an alcoholic at the time or maybe I did. I think I thrived on the stress and drama. It got to always be all about me and my problem De Jour.

Well, 18 years into this marriage later, I am still not sure what I want to do. My parents are starting to put pressure on me, how good he is to my Dad, how there is so much worse out there, the devil I know, etc. I know I need to end this. There is no love between us and I am so f-ing tired of being alone even when he is there. I am so tired of being responsible for everything and he takes none. This is not a family or remotely close to one. He wants to live a different life now. I can see it more and more. He likes to be on his own when La Petit and I are away for the weekend. He is making plans, starting to connect with old friends. He is ready to continue his alcoholic life without us.