Monday, April 30, 2007

Welcome to the Jungle...

This is the Prince's hand, and in it is a white welcome key chain from NA. We went to our first meeting Saturday morning. All I can say is WOW. It was really great. The group ranged from the Prince's age to a few men in their 60's. Some had been clean a few weeks, some had 15 years or more. They welcomed him AND I with open arms. When I introduced my self as his Mom the whole group broke into applause. They thought it was wonderful that I was there with and for him. So of course it even got to be all about ME at an NA meeting too!!!
The group gave him a list of phone numbers and names and all welcomed him to call at any time. He looked a little bored some of the time, and I wasn't sure if he was just there cause he had to be or because he wanted to be, but, hey, he was there right??? I think he will get more out of these meetings than he has gotten out of the program. He has always felt strongly that only people who have been where he has been can relate to his problems. I was concerned when he introduced himself and he said his name and that he was in recovery. He did not say he was addict which scares me, thinking maybe he doesn't think he is an addict? He is also such a shy kid. Not to mention a Mommas boy!!! He made me come outside with him during the break, where all of the members went out to smoke and I do mean ALL. I haven't smoked since October 13th and I have to say, I had NO desire to light up!!! Yay me! He also made me walk him to the bathroom. I spoke to other members and they said it would be OK for me to attend meetings with him for a while and that hopefully, in time, he would feel comfortable enough to come on his own and will hopefully get himself a sponsor, etc. and wouldn't need me to come along. At that point, they will direct me to Nar-anon for meeeeee.
We plan on going to 3-4 meetings a week. He does not want to try another area for a meeting, he liked it where we went. I still want him to try another place just in case he needs it sometime. I feel a little hope for his future now. I know it will be rocky for him, but at least now that he has found the rooms and has heard others stories, he will know he will always have support and he can always come back.
So, a big shout out to all of my sober blogger peeps who have written so eloquently about the magic of the rooms, as I knew from reading of your experiences, that we would be welcomed with open arms.
Still no word from the Italian and as every day passes, it hurts a little bit less. He is back with the ex-girlfriend. I know this because she is actively harassing me again. Lots of hang up blocked calls, nasty emails, etc. And you know what? She can have him. I do deserve better (thank you all of my buddies who helped convince me of this with all of your comments!!!) and some day, I will find it. Right now, I need to focus on my Prince and getting him through the rest of this program and hopefully out of HS in June, selling my house, and finding my place.
I am still feeling so much anger towards my Mom and everyone else around me, but I am trying to contain it and not be evil to everyone. Alienating myself will get me nowhere. Its just something I do, when I hurt, I lash out and hurt those that I love most. I try to build up that wall to protect myself and I am thinking maybe there are better ways of dealing with the pain.
Monday Morning Gratitude
  • I made it through the weekend, even without a man in my life to love me.
  • Little colored key chains marking milestones. Talk about your positive reinforcement!!
  • My dad still in the hospital, but he is still here.
  • Almost 7 smoke fee months and no desire to light up!
  • Fun downloadable ring tones for my cell phone. Now when it rings, it makes me smile a little.
  • The possibility of maybe finding a place in rooms with my Prince.
  • My blogger buddies, who just get me, even when it seems that no one else does.
  • My Rangers winning it yesterday in double OT
  • Sunshine and a long weekend coming up... going away with my gurlies.

Peace and love to you all.

Friday, April 27, 2007

I'm not angry, It's dragging me under

I start to feel guilty when I take precious blog space away from talking about the Prince. But I guess I am progressing in the letting go area of my life and am focusing on myself a little more. Maybe that isn't such a good thing, because you can see what a mess I am making for myself.

I have not broken down and called the Italian. Nor has he called me. To be honest I do tend to watch my cell phone constantly, waiting (hoping?) for a call. I will not pick it up if he calls. But I want him too. I want him to still want me. Me Me Me. Its always all about me. If and when I do speak to him, after much deliberation, I have decided on the words I will use. I am going to tell him that he is a vulgar and hurtful man. I figure, an insult and a truth. Although both are true. But I thought it sounds kind of permanent and grown up. Thoughts???

I have been having alot of trouble with my anger lately. My Dad is back in the hospital for the 5th or 6th time since Christmas. My Mom is also not well. My Mom is also active in her alcoholism. She "Claims" to have not drank in over a week, but I do not believe her, and even if it is the truth, she will go back. She has early stages of emphysema, she is susceptible to congestive heart failure as a result of the hereditary disease we have and damage to her liver from the disease and probably her alcoholism. She now has pulmonery hypertension. She also needs to have some arterior vasculer malformations fixed in her lungs, the same procedure I had done a few months back. She is procrastinating on taking care of this. Her internist told m if she corrects this it may make a big difference in her breathing and can possibly correct the pulmanery hypertension. I feel angry with her for not taking care of herself. I am fighting with her constantly. She gave me a hard time this morning because I have not been to the hospital to visit my dad all week. I am tired of her constant criticism of me. I am angry with her for her ignorance and her reluctance to take care of herself and my dad. I am angry that she blames everyone for everything. I am just so angry.

So maybe I am not really letting go so much as I am focusing my anger elsewhere and away from the Prince. I have never fought with my mother, not even as a teenager. We have always had a really good relationship. We work hard towards it. Maybe I am just so aware of her mortality since the death of my Aunt and I see her deteriorating as well. My brother is also a disaster who doesn't take care of himself or his diabetes and as a result he currently has only 7 toes. He loses one every year or so. I think the whole foot is next. My mom makes excuses for my brother. She pays his bills. She holds me to a different standard than him. Anything he does is ok, he is too sick to go see my dad, he has only 7 toes, he is in too much pain to drive all the way the whole 4 miles from his house to the hospital, and yet he seems to get himself to the bar every night. Go figure. And it is irrelevant that I work hard all day, sit in traffic for an hour and a half each night for my 25 mile commute, deal with homework and whatever other drama awaits me at home and then I should run out at 730 p.m. and drive another 45 minutes to get to the hospital.

Ok, enough of the pity party. I am even annoying myself today with all of my venting. Time to lighten up and find some gratitude...

  • Starbucks non-fat vanilla latte, cant live without it.
  • Having the means to support my $8 a day coffee habit.
  • Blogger buddies who care about me and help me so much.
  • My beautiful children.
  • Another week clean and sober for the Prince and he even did some homework this week.
  • My DVR and a date with my pillow tonight to catch up on all of my shows.
  • Its almost sandal season!!!
  • My HP who, truly must have a plan for me, just making me build up my strength first.

Wishing you all peace and serenity and a beautiful healthy weekend!!

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

I'm alone again.....

I am depressed. My life is such a mess. I tend to focus so much of my energy on helping the Prince and La Petit Prince, that I continue to allow myself to make bad decisions and then let them spiral out of control. Just more codependent behavior. The Italian hit me a few weeks back. More like backhanded me while we were having an argument in the car. I have never been struck before, and it is not an experience I care to repeat. It was messy and ugly. He wouldn't let me out of the car after that. I finally pretty much jumped out when he was slowing down to make a turn. I am almost 40 years old. I am entirely too old to have this kind of drama in my life. I am a mother for Cripes sake. I took off running and he tried to follow me in the car. I finally called a cab and it cost me $50 to get a ride home.

He left nasty abusive messages on my cell phone all night and again in the morning. The messages left the next day started out as an apology, but also blaming me for antagonizing him, and then when I refused to pick up or call back the messages got mean and nasty and threatening, as I had some of his jewelry and clothing, and he was DEMANDING they be returned ASAP. The calls continued into late the next evening and I was staying a girlfriends house. She finally picked up the phone and very politely told him not to call me again and that I would give his ex-wife the items of his that I had (as I am good friends with her).

Later in the week, the phone messages started again, and he was calmer, a little more pleasant, acknowledging that there was nothing left to say between us, and that he was sorry and could I at least drop his stuff off in person so there could at least be closer. WHAT WAS I THINKING?? So he left the name of the restaurant where he would be on my voicemail and I decided to go. My girlfriend was going to meet me there half an hour later just to be sure of my safety. I met him, we talked, he kept trying to kiss me, touch me, etc. I was strong.

That night, he left a million more messages proclaiming his love for me and could I just meet him so we could talk etc. I turned off the phone and stopped listening to the messages. The next day he continued leaving messages inviting me to go to the hockey game, he left so many he filled up my voice mail and I finally decided to leave it that way and not listen to anymore messages.

A few days later, the calls continued and I gave in. I picked up and went to dinner with him. We had a nice night even though I knew in my heart this was toxic for me. I just needed to not be so alone. To feel loved and wanted. Later in the week my Aunt passed away, and I needed to talk about it so we got together for dinner. It went bad. I realized that this man was not at all who I thought he was. He never let me talk about how I was feeling about the loss of my aunt and about how things were going between us. He basically got pissed off at me because I kept bringing up the fact that he hit me. And then he started lying. It was weird, but I just suddenly realized he was a liar. He was talking about this supposed property he was buying and how he was going to retire in a few years and how he had to move and hide some money out of a retirement account. I am college educated, I was finance major. I know about retirement funding, and pensions, and annuities, not to mention this is part of what I do for a living. I may not be a rocket scientist, but there are things that I do know. And the things he was saying, were just not possible, he was talking nonsense.

So I called him on it. And he started getting defensive and saying I was calling him stupid and blah blah blah and it went from bad to worse so I left. The next morning I called him before I left for the funeral and he was very very cold to me. He told me I was very mean and nasty to him and how he doesn't want to rehash his flaws and mistakes every time we get together and then he kind of blew me off the phone. I didn't hear from him the whole weekend. How very warm and supportive of him while I am taking care of my mother and dealing with the loss of my aunt to just shut me out.

When I got back on Tuesday, La Petit Prince told me something that happened over the weekend while I was away that involved the Italian and his kids and my son being deliberately left out of something and his feelings were extremely hurt over it. So against my better judgement, I called him and let him have it, that I didn't care if we were over, but after everything I had dome for his kids these last few months how dare him exclude and hurt my child's feelings intentionally. We argued and argued back and forth for a while.

He called me the next day and we decided to go for dinner later in the week. I know, I know how stupid can one person be???? Well we went out Saturday night and it was disastrous. His ego is so inflated that he honestly believes he is an award winning lover and when things didn't happen the way he is used to, he went berserk on me and basically said I must be turning gay. (I am trying hard to be discreet with the details here, so please bare with me). Then of course there were the 30 thousand nasty mean messages and then the next day he was screaming at me to stay away from his kids and what a bad influence I am and what a piece of sh*t I am, etc.

So I am done. It hurts. I know that is ridiculous but I don't want it to be over. This man has hit me and then beat me down emotionally as well. He hurt me and my child. The things he has said to me I would never tolerate from anyone else in my life. In fact I have thrown my own son out of the house for saying alot less to me. So tell me.... WTF is wrong with me??

Friday, April 20, 2007

Four and Twenty Windows

At the risk of sounding like an idiot, today is April 20th. 420. This date apparently holds some signifigance in the pot smoking community. (for more info, click HERE) I googled it and read a bunch of stuff about it, and it doesnt make much sense to me, but I know in the Princes counter culture world of his drug use, it was a big deal.

So tonight, in honor of 420, I have asked my Prince out on a date. He laughed and accepted. We will go for dinner, stop at the fish store, he has been really into fixing up his tank and I have to say it looks amazing, he is really good at this, and maybe a movie. Its funny, he even told his program that he and I have a "playdate" tonight to celebrate his sobriety on 420.

I was speaking to our family counselor last night, and she suggested maybe tonight would be a good night to try our first NA meeting. I looked online and found some meetings, although I have to say there arent as many available in our area as I had hoped. But I need some help from any of my blogger buddies out there, some meetings say they are open and some say they are closed. Some are discussion meetings, some are steps, etc. Can any one offer any advice as to what any of ths means and maybe offer a reccomendation as to what would be a good starting point for us?

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

What a long strange trip...

Yesterday I stood in the pouring rain and watched as my Aunt was placed in her final resting place. She left this world the way she lived in it... in great class and style. I was asked to give the second reading at her funeral mass. I was touched and honored to have been asked and accepted with great pride. I am not a great Catholic. In fact I am not even a good Catholic. But I was surprised to have read this at a funeral, I thought this was more of a wedding reading. In fact, I have personally given this reading at a friends wedding a few years earlier. Either way, I did not trip on my way up to the alter, I did not stumble over any of the words or stutter, and I managed to maintain some eye contact while reading. I think my Auntie would have been proud. I would like to share this reading with all of you in honor of my beloved Aunt.

If I have all the eloquence of men or of angels, but speak without love, I am simply a gong booming or a cymbal clashing. If I have the gift of prophecy, understanding all the mysteries there are, and knowing everything, and if I have faith in all its fullness, to move mountains, but without love, then I am nothing at all. If I give away all that I possess, piece by piece, and if I even let them take my body to burn it, but am without love, it will do me no good whatever.Love is always patient and kind; it is never jealous; love is never boastful or conceited; it is never rude or selfish; it does not take offence, and is not resentful. Love takes no pleasure in other people's sins but delights in the truth; it is always ready to excuse, to trust, to hope, and to endure whatever comes. Love does not come to an end.

Maybe this was the work of my HP trying to tell me something? Maybe I have been so wrong in trying to define love and that maybe a real love will someday come to me?

Anyway, time for some gratitude...
  • The relationship I was blessed to have shared with my Aunt for her time in this world.
  • That I was able to be there for my mom in her time of need at this very painful time in her life.
  • For a good job that pays me even when I have to take time off to be somewhere else.
  • For the Prince seeming to want to be near me so badly lately.
  • That I have my health.
  • For the love and support of my blogger buddies. I cant tell you what that means to me these days.
  • For my G-d who must surely have a plan for me.

Thursday, April 12, 2007

Now I lay me down to sleep

My mom called me at 6:30 this morning. My favorite Aunt passed away in her sleep last night. She had been ill for the last several months. She suffered from a very serious case of a hereditary disease that I was recently diagnosed with. Ultimately, her body had been breaking down for the last few months. Her ammonia levels were toxic and rising. Her passing is so sad, but she was not coherent, would never walk again, she would not recover and her quality of life was nil. My mom is heartbroken, they were very very close. It is likely that this year she will have not only lost her sister, but she may lose her husband of 43 years as well. Sometimes life is unfair.

I am sad at the loss of my Aunt. I will miss her, I feel badly for her grandchildren as their lives will lack something for not having the great fortune of having her in their lives. Her husband of close to 60 years, I doubt he will survive without her. He will surely die of a broken heart. She has two daughters who she adored and they adored her back, her son is my evil twin cousin. We are 6 months apart and we are the same person. I am worried for him because he has not been accepting of her making it through this. He was too calm this morning when I spoke to him. I will have to keep my eye on him.

I am a selfish woman. I, as usual, am thinking of only myself. No one is worried about how I am taking the loss. No one has called to see if I am OK. Not the AH, the Italian kind of showed some concern but more in a selfish way cause he wants to see me tonight and I have been spending less and less time with him. I feel cheated in this life where I am alone and no one really cares about me. And I hate that I always make everything about me. I don't know where I fit in. Do I need Al-anon or AA? Am I co-dependent? Am I an adult child of an alcoholic? Am I just a mess?

No post could be complete without mention of the Prince. He was over last night and we spent some time working on his fish tank. A few weeks ago he cleaned the whole tank, did a complete water change and added some new fish. Last week, the AH was touching up the spackling that I had done in there since the job I did apparently sucked, and he neglected to cover the tank and he ruined the water with spackle dust, killing most of the fish. The Prince came looking for me asking about Nitrate levels in water. I asked him what made him think I would know anything about that? He just shrugged and walked away. His grandmother told me when he left the room, that the Prince thinks I know everything, that I am the smartest woman in the world, that he always says when someone is unsure about something, to ask his Mom. That I would know the answer. Well what do you know about that. I feel, well, like I guess it's just a matter of time before I let him down, again.

R.I. P. Auntie B. I will love and miss you always.

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Don't forget that your family is gold....

Last night my La Petit prince returned from his day day vacation in San Francisco. He had a wonderful, peaceful time. He was so happy, he was gushing. After I picked him up from the airport, we picked up the Prince and and their Dad and we went out for dinner. The conversation quickly, as always, turned to the Prince and the program. It seems two new kids were admitted. They are active, known, gang members. Nice. Just what I need. Something else to worry about. The Prince was called into a special "meeting" behind closed doors. He thought he did something wrong yet again. The counselors explained that anything spoken about would be held in strict confidence. They asked if he knew or had heard anything about the "newbies" being in a gang. Surprisingly, he told them what he knew, he is very anti-gang. He then gave me a brief education on gangs and gang culture. About displaying their "flags" and if they don't, the consequences they will risk if the gang finds out. Very interesting, but scary that these kind of things go on right under our noses in our little safe havens of suburbia. So glad I chose a nice, private, expensive program for him and I still have to worry about gang bangers.

So anyway, the conversation turned towards drugs and drug use, and it didn't get "heated" but I guess we have our own little way of communicating, and it could sound a little antagonistic, and La Petit Prince, started to get upset and started crying. I guess my family in California didn't have heated discussions at the dinner table and I could just see how sad it all makes him and how didn't want to be there. He went to the bathroom to calm himself down and we tried to explain to him that just because we seem to argue a bit, we still all love each other and our way of communicating may need to be tweaked a bit, but we are a family and we all love each other despite our flaws. This is just us. I feel for him, he really feels the pain of the last few years, and in retrospect, we should have kept the conversation focused on him since he was gone for the last 10 days. I was just briefly happy to be a normal family without drama for a little while.

All in all, it was still a good night. I was happy to be with my boys, both of whom I love so dearly. I am hopeful for a positive future.

Monday, April 09, 2007

What comes around....

Lots to catch up on. First off, just want to say how sad I feel to have lost Tabs beautiful blog... it was my first stop each day and I always received such strength from her beautiful writings. I am looking forward to seeing what if anything she will do next. Love to you Tabby!!

The Prince is back at his day program, where he has been for the last year. We took him up to the residential place where we finally had a bed open up for him last week, and they turned us down. Yes. You read that right. They wouldn't admit him. It was actually more of the Insurance company that turned us down. They took a urine test when he got there and it was CLEAN. Crystal clean. No traces of anything, not traces of tampering with his body, not overly hydrated. Clean. He has managed to stay clean for the last three weeks with out the assistance of any treatment. Go figure. It took all day, we fought back and forth. He was ready to go. He wants to get on with it, get back to his program. We were devastated. I have to be honest, I was really upset with his regular program for insisting he go to residential, and throwing him out, and then the residential wouldn't take him. He lost 3 weeks of time and school. So obviously, they allowed him back. Our family therapist was nasty to him. She couldn't believe he was back. She said he didn't belong there. Way to encourage the kid.

He spent Easter with us yesterday at my brothers house. We spent most of the day talking. He finally admitted to me that he did in fact use coke a few weeks ago. He said he admitted it to the program as well. He said once again, that he doesn't want to use drugs anymore, but that he will most likely smoke pot again someday. He said he cant drink anymore, that any time he drinks now, he throws up and he just doesn't enjoy it. I was very pleased to hear that. He still swears he didn't do the angel dust. For now, I will take him at his word. We had a really great conversation, and he says he doesn't want to come back home to live anymore. He said he likes it better this way because we do not fight anymore. It was sad for me to hear that, but he is right and I guess it is better for everyone this way. I just feel like a failure as a Mom sometimes, since my own son doesn't want to live with me.

I finally put my house on the market. I was on vacation last week and spent most of the time fixing things in the house. I patched a few holes that the Prince had punched into them. Patched, spackled and painted. I was very impressed with myself. Until I saw the wall in the light of day. Lets just say I shouldn't rush out and quit my day job in hopes of becoming a contractor.

I am very excited and frightened about this. This will open a whole new chapter in my life. I will get a divorce and live on my own for the first time in my life. I am filled with self doubt.
Its funny. I believe in Karma. I also believe that my house was never a happy home. It is a big beautiful house and I love it. I am so sad to leave it. But nothing happy ever happened in that house. I know that the Prince would have used drugs no matter what, and my dad would have gotten sicker no matter what, and my marriage would have failed no matter where I lived, but it just seems like nothing but sadness has enveloped us since we found that house. We were scheduled to close on it the week of September 11th. It was postponed and alot of problems ensued. The people we bought the house from were horrible disgusting dirty people. The house just never had a warm "vibe".

Last Monday, the weather was gray and cloudy and cold and nasty. The realtor came to the house and we signed the contracts to list the house. As he walked out the door, I swear, the sun came bursting through the clouds and lit up the sky. It was as though the evil cloud was lifting since we were getting rid of the house. I know that makes me sound like an idiot, but I swear, things just feel different.

Ok, it is now time for a public service announcement. My best friend since the 5th grade called me over the weekend and told me she was just diagnosed with cervical cancer. She is 38 years old. She is a beautiful person, inside and out, she is the mother to 2 amazing children. She is a successful business woman. She is also very diligent about getting annual pap smears, doctor visits, etc. Hopefully, that will mean that they caught it very early and she will be ok. She also has the HPV virus, this is what caused her cervical cancer. So please, everyone out there, if you are female, be sure to go your gyno regularly, get your pap smears and mammograms. If you are a male, remind the women in your life that you love to stay on top of this. It could save lives. And think seriously of getting your daughters the HPV vaccine. I do not have a daughter and I am too old for it now myself, I don't know alot about it, so please don't anyone attack me for suggesting it.

We are so busy fighting the battles of addiction lets not let something else kill us that we can avoid. Love and Peace to you all!